Brinley’s fingers tightened on Jason’s bicep but she steeled herself not to react to the horror unfolding with each passing moment. Pressing her lips together, she suppressed the words that wouldn’t make any difference and only minimize what he’d been through. There was nothing she could say to wipe away the terror like tears on a three-year old’s face. No platitudes that would make this go away, shelving neatly somewhere in a closet called “the past.”
“The first few times you’re so proud of yourself for not screaming like the others, but then after several days your defenses are broken down one by one and you realize the screaming in your ears is your own. You know in that moment that you’re not as strong as you think you are. That nothing you’ve been trained for is going to save your ass. That’s when reality hits you and you face the fact that you’re going to die there and then be thrown out like a piece of garbage. There was no sanctity to life. People died for something as minor as being friends with the wrong person. No one gave a shit about anything but money and power.”
Wiping a silent tear from her face, she listened to his pain filled voice and tried to hold him more closely as if she could shield him from something. Maybe herself. She had torn at this scab and it hit her she might have only made things worse. Much worse.
She couldn’t bear the thought she might have hurt this man she cared so deeply for.
Was it love? She didn’t know, although he was more than deserving of the emotion. Anyone who had survived what he had and could still care about others was worthy of all the love and devotion she could give.
“You don’t have to–” she began but he pressed his fingers to her lips.
“You were right. Holding it in hasn’t helped. Maybe talking about it will. You need to know just how fucked up I am. I don’t know if I’ll ever get any better. I may be this fucking broken for the rest of my life. You sure as hell deserve better.”
“You’re not broken,” she protested but he simply shook his head, his gaze far away somewhere. He was back there and she damned her stupidity for asking him to relive this. She’d been arrogant and smug thinking she knew what to do to help him. She didn’t know anything and now she could only hold him to keep the nightmares at bay. She wished she could take the pain away that she knew dogged him every night but she didn’t have a clue as to how.
“One day the guard came to my cell and took me outside, which they hadn’t done before. I thought maybe it was my chance to escape. Maybe they were transferring me to another prison. But that’s not what that day was about.”
A chill ran down her spine, tension building at his ominous statement. What he was about to tell her was what he’d been reliving tonight while he slept. She knew it without him having to say it out loud.
“They tied my hands behind me and pushed my back up against a wall. There were several men with guns about ten feet away and they were all smiling and laughing. One yelled at me asking what my last request was. It was then I realized they were going to execute me. A firing squad. It’s funny after praying for death to take me I suddenly didn’t want to die. I wanted to live very much and see my family and friends again. I wanted to eat pizza and drink a beer. I wanted to feel the joy of sex and the warmth of laughter. I hadn’t really lived at all. I had just worked all that time and I had so many goddamn regrets at that moment.”
Her throat was swollen shut with emotion, and instead of speaking she planted light kisses on his chest along with a few tears.
“No crying, honey.” He lifted her chin so she was looking into his green eyes that were now a stormy gray. “I’m here and selfishly telling you this story. Laying all my baggage at your feet.”
“I asked you to,” she croaked, barely getting the words out. “It’s not selfish.”
“It’s not smart,” he countered. “Now you’re going to feel sorry for me. It might sound stupid but a man wants a woman to look up to him. Admire him. He wants her to believe she can depend on him. You probably think I’m a wreck and I guess I am.”
Brinley sat straight up and cupped his face in her hands. “I do admire you. And I know I can depend on you. You’ve protected me, Jason. I’ve never felt as safe in my life as I do with you.”
He snatched her into his arms, and she reveled in the power he held so carefully in check. He was a man who could kill or maim but he chose to be gentle.
Jason sighed and loosened his grip, dropping a kiss on the top of her head. “They put a blindfold on me and made me stand there. I heard them getting ready to shoot and then the sound of guns firing. I fell to my knees. I’d thought I’d died but it was a mock execution. They jerked the blindfold off of me and they were all laughing. They’d shot in another direction. But the guard that took me back to my cell said the next day it would be real. Or maybe not. That I would never know when the real thing was going to happen.”
“How many times?” she asked, stroking his face, his cheek stubbly under her palm. “The cruelty of that is unthinkable. Did they do this to everyone?”
“Yes, it was how they amused themselves. They did it three more times but I think the next one was going to be real, because Selena came to me the next day and gave me the information that allowed me to escape.”
Someday Brinley wanted to thank that woman who had risked her own life for a man she barely knew.
“Weren’t you afraid you’d get caught?”
“I was more afraid of staying. I was definitely going to die there if I didn’t try. At least if I was shot dead trying to escape it would be quick.”
She couldn’t wrap her mind around preferring a quick death to something far more painful. Jason had been through so much and yet he was still strong, facing life head on.
“I don’t know what to say after hearing that,” she admitted. “I knew it was something awful and it was. I guess I would say that you must be an incredibly strong person to have survived that and come out the other side. I don’t think I could have.”
“The instinct to survive is overwhelming. Don’t underestimate what you might be capable of if you’re put into a dangerous situation. I’m not that special.”
“I think you’re special,” she said deeply, brushing his lips with her own as her heart squeezed painfully. The emotions he aroused were stronger than anything she’d known before. “The most special man I’ve ever known in my life.”
His arms tightened around her. “I think you’re pretty damn special too. After reliving near death I want to feel alive. With you. The way I feel with you is exactly what I dreamed about in that prison. I want to make love with you, Brinley.”
*
Jason gently pressed his lips to Brinley’s, overcome with desire, tenderness, and pure emotion for this woman whose mere touch seemed to make everything better. He’d admitted his great flaw, his broken psyche but instead of pushing him away in self-preservation she’d wrapped her arms around him tighter, not scared of him pulling her down with him. He ought to get the hell out of her life when this case was over but damned if he could even fathom the possibility.
He wanted her too badly.
“Jason,” she whispered against his skin as she pressed her lips to his shoulder. She shuddered underneath him as his hands roamed over her curves urgently, barely able to rein in his impatience. He needed to be inside of her. Now.
“Yes, honey. I know what you need.”
Her own fingers were exploring the ridges of his stomach before slipping down to encircle his hard and ready cock. Jason buried his face in her neck, breathing in the delicate scent of her skin as he kissed and licked a trail to her shoulder, shoving her oversized nightshirt aside to reveal her golden sun-kissed flesh.