“I can make an impression that he won’t forget.”
Jason sat up and stretched. The very thought of this Greg guy putting his hands on Brinley made Jason want to punch the ex right in the jaw. He was possessive of her and that was a mistake. Eventually she’d date someone else and he’d have to deal with it.
And he had no clue how he was going to do that.
“If he comes by again I’ll just tell him that I’m seeing someone.”
The moment was here. Now.
“Look…Brinley…I think we should talk about what’s going on between us and where you think this is going. I don’t want there to be any misunderstandings. I want to be clear about things.”
She went stiff next to him and he winced at the harshness of his words, if not the tone. A part of him wanted to backtrack and tell her he’d misspoke and that everything was okay. A bigger part of him knew that it was because he felt so much for her that he couldn’t allow her to settle for less than she deserved.
“Yes, we should be clear.” Her words were stilted and her expression had gone from flirtatious to icy.
Jason pressed his larger hand on her smaller one, trying to cushion the blow that he was about to inflict. This was going to hurt her but it was better to do a small hurt now than to make her a victim the rest of her life.
“I really care about you and it’s because of those feelings that I say this. I’ve got problems, honey. We both know that. Hell, I can’t even get a decent night’s sleep most days. I have nightmares and there are times when I’m back in that cell. It’s real to me and it may always be. I can’t ask you to take all that on. Not right now. I just can’t make any kind of commitment.”
He expected tears and maybe some histrionics about being led on which wouldn’t have been a stretch. He’d very deliberately not thought about the future when they’d started seeing each other. And sleeping together.
Instead he saw anger light up her hazel eyes. She sat up and snatched her hand back as if she’d been burnt and she held it to her chest as her lips began to tremble. The color was high in her cheeks and her spine ramrod straight.
“I don’t remember asking you for a commitment, so you’ll have to forgive me if I’m confused. I thought we had something special between us but I wasn’t thinking that we were going to elope this weekend. I get that you’re working through some things, Jason, but you don’t think I understand that. I never realized your opinion of me was that low.”
“It’s not. I think you’re terrific.” Jason was astonished at her reaction. She couldn’t possibly think he thought so little of her. She was amazing and wonderful.
“But not wonderful enough.” Bitterness tinged her words and he knew he’d screwed this up royally. “You’re a coward, Jason Anderson. I know you have feelings for me, and I darn well know I’m in love with you, but you’re going to keep pushing me away. Why? Because you’re scared. You’re shaking in your expensive cowboy boots. Making excuses about commitments and not sleeping at night. Do you even hear yourself?”
He certainly heard her, despite the fact that she was so furious her voice had dropped to a whisper. “I’m broken inside, and you deserve better than that. You should have a man that doesn’t go back to the dark place all the time.”
Brinley jumped to her feet, anger in every line of her body.
“I’ll take that under advisement. Just so you know, right now you’re not my favorite person. You’re pissing me off and I’m losing my patience. You’re not putting distance between us because of your nightmares. You’re doing it because you’re a lily-livered chicken shit. But I get that sometimes people can be scared of their emotions so I’m going to let this pass and forget that we ever had this conversation.”
Frustrated that an evening that had started so promising had turned to hell, Jason levered to his feet and tried to hold her hand but she pulled it away and shook her head.
“I feel more for you than I’ve ever felt for anyone but I can’t guarantee that we have a future together. I can’t say for sure that everything is going to be alright.”
“I haven’t asked for a guarantee, Jason, and do you know why? Because they don’t exist. I can’t give you one either but you don’t hear me pussy-footing around saying things like I feel more for you than anyone else. That’s a cop out. I’ve told you I love you and I’m not taking it back, but right now I’m deeply questioning my taste in men.”
With that Brinley turned on her heel and marched into the house without a backward glance over her shoulder, leaving him standing there like a total loser.
Somewhere along the way he’d taken a wrong turn but he didn’t know where. The words hadn’t come out quite right and he’d first hurt her and then angered her. He’d only been trying to be honest.
And he didn’t have a clue how to put things right.
Chapter Twenty-Seven
‡
Brinley was still frustrated early the next morning, although the anger had faded as she readied to go out for a bicycle ride. A long one. She needed to work off the emotions that had kept her up most of the night tossing and turning in the guest room. Jason was scared of commitment and in a way she couldn’t blame him. It wasn’t something to take lightly, which was why she’d turned and left the conversation last night when she did. There were so many hurtful words she could have hurled at him but it wouldn’t have helped him get over his fears any sooner. Only time could do that.
She scratched out a note and propped it up on the kitchen island. In getting out of the house before he was awake she hoped to avoid some of the hard feelings from last night. Once she cycled a few miles it would clear her head and she’d know what to do about the entire situation.
She grabbed a water bottle and quietly exited the house. After unlocking her bike from the front porch and pulling on her helmet, she climbed on and pedaled away, the physical exertion exactly what she needed.
The wind whipped at her long hair and instantly dried the sweat on her skin as she built up speed, putting miles between her and her troubles. This was one of her favorite routes with all the quiet back roads and the homes few and far between. She didn’t have to worry about traffic or even people. All she had to do was lose herself in the rhythm of the ride.
The cobwebs in her brain slowly lifted as her adrenaline soared. Every pump of her legs brought her closer to what she knew to be the truth.
Jason cared about her. He couldn’t hide it. He probably loved her although she doubted he’d ever used that word before. The stubborn mule of a man was a confirmed bachelor and he wasn’t going to fall easily. Strangely enough, he’d obviously been thinking more about the future and commitment than she had. She’d been happy to just be with him and enjoy what they had in the present. Now he was running scared.
From himself. What she really needed to do was sit back and let him deal with his internal demons. There wasn’t anything she could do about them anyway except not put any more pressure on him. He’d either come to admit his love or not, and she had to be prepared either way.
But she wouldn’t be passive in all this. She was done with that. She’d taken a chance and found an amazing man. She’d stick by him while he fought his battle and let him know that she was there and wasn’t frightened.
The growl of an engine behind her interrupted her train of thought, and she rode even farther right to give the car as much of the full road as she could. Normally they slowed down as they went around her and waved before gunning the motor and moving on. Everyone was quite courteous to cyclists although she’d noticed that there weren’t many of her kind riding around. In Chicago she’d a few accidents with some less than pleasant drivers, including one where someone had pulled in front of her and she’d gone ass over tea kettle into the dirt, breaking her wrist. That person had had the nerve to yell at Brinley for being “in the way”.