I am surprised by this. Ransom is a lot of things, but I never would have expected him to admit such a fault. “I’m the one who kissed another man.”
“You wouldn’t have done it if I hadn’t given you reason to,” he contends. “I’ve been giving you mixed messages, I know that. The truth is, we never should have hooked up, and it’s not fair for me to ask you to hide us from everyone.” Stricken, he reaches out, his fingers touching my face. “Tell me to leave, and I will. If it makes things better for you, I’ll walk away right now, Josephine.”
Do I want him to go away? I try to picture never feeling his skin on mine again, never hearing his roughened voice in my ear after we’ve had sex, never knowing the look of true passion that I see in his eyes every time he looks at me.
My throat tightens and I shake my head. “I don’t want you to go.” The truth is there are a lot of things I would change between us. I would start with throwing out all this secrecy and telling everyone about us. I could do with a little less of the split personalities, too, but Rome wasn’t built in a day.
“But you don’t want me to stay, either.” It’s a statement, and I can’t help wondering what he saw in my face to make him reach that conclusion.
My lungs fill until my chest feels tight, and I release my breath on a heavy sigh. “I want things to change.”
His expression tightens and his hand falls away, leaving my cheek cold. “I can’t go public.”
“I know.” I sigh again. I don’t know whether it was the alcohol or the fact that I’ve been up for over twelve hours straight, but I feel drained. My whole life has been one enormous secret—from the stripping to him and other things that I can’t bring myself to think about—and I’m exhausted.
I continue, and though it breaks my heart, the words have to be said. “That’s the problem, Ransom. You can’t tell anyone, but I can’t continue to keep up this secrecy. It’s too much maintenance and it’s wearing thin. I’m wearing thin.”
“So that’s it? We’re done?” He’s upset, and I understand that, but I have to think of myself first. I’ve made a lot of sacrifices in my lifetime, and it’s time I take something back. I’m starting with my life. I won’t be held prisoner by someone who doesn’t think as highly of me as I do them.
“I need to be with someone who wants to tell the world about me,” I explain, hoping to smooth away some of the sting. “Not someone who is ashamed to be seen with me.”
“I’m not ashamed of you,” Ransom says through clenched teeth.
I tilt my head, my smile small and sad. “We have sex, Ransom. That’s all we do. We’ve never been out on a date, never kissed in public, never taken a drive together. None of the things real couples do.”
“We drove together once.”
“Three times and they don’t count,” I say, thinking of the time his car broke down and I dropped him at the hotel and other times when I was drunk. If I recall correctly, that first time he was meeting a “friend.” Most likely the same friend who showed up with him hours later at the club for a private dance. I admit, it’s something that still bothers me if I think on it too long.
“Your friend knows about me. My parents know about you. I asked you to come to dinner with me.” His silky voice has taken on a pleading tone, a last ditch effort to sway my decision, but it’s already been made.
I shake my head. Standing, I slip past him and walk to the front door. Opening it, I stand in the doorway and pass him a meaningful look. “I’m sorry, but it’s just not enough.”
He has this hateful look in his eyes, but it’s not directed at me. I think he hates himself, or maybe the situation. I know how he feels. I never wanted things to end between us, but here we are, standing in my doorway, and it’s over. Saying goodbye is a physical ache in my chest, but it has to be done. I see no other way.
Ransom stands over me, and it’s all I can do not to fall into his arms and take back everything I just said. “You know I wish things had been different.”
“So do I.” But they aren’t. He’s still my professor, and I’m still his student, and let’s face it, this relationship has never been healthy.
He nods, his gaze shifting from the hall to my face like he’s not sure he can take that first step. Then, without any warning, I’m in his arms and his mouth is on mine and I am breathing and tasting him and all of my senses are exploding because this man—this man—is the one I want. Have always wanted. And he isn’t mine. Can’t be mine.
He lets me go as fast as he took me, and then he’s gone. I watch him walk out my door and out of my life and I don’t know whether to be relieved or just very, very sad.
TWENTY
Being alone isn’t my strong suit. I’ve always made sure that someone is there to keep me from losing myself in my thoughts. It’s not a design that I follow on purpose, but more of a survival instinct. I need someone there to catch me if I fall. That’s why I finally decided to pull up my big girl panties and return Annie’s calls.
She’s surprised to hear from me. Of course, she is. I’ve been blowing her off ever since she told me she was moving out of state. If she knew why I was calling her now, she’d probably tell me to take a long jump off a short bridge. A certain amount of guilt comes with that. Knowing that I am essentially using her to keep me from doing something even more stupid, like asking Ransom to take me back.
We’re curled up on the country blue sofa in Annie’s living room facing each other. She’s wearing a soft white, fuzzy sweater that looks like someone skinned Sasquatch and black skinny jeans, and she’s glowing.
“I’m really happy you’re here,” she says for the tenth time since I walked through the door.
“Me, too,” I say honestly. I’ve never felt more at home than I have with this girl. She’s my soft place.
Her nose grows red at the tip and profound emotion tears across her face. “I really missed you this last week.”
I clear my throat and shift in my seat. I’m no good at heartfelt moments, but for her, I’ll give it a shot. It’s the least I can do. Reaching down deep, I hunt for the right words and lay them out between us.
“Listen, Annie. I want you to know that it was wrong of me to shut you out like I did. I hate myself for pushing you away over something that is important and life changing for you. If anything, you needed my support, and I was too self-absorbed to set my own insecurities aside and be there for you.
“I know an apology will never be enough, but it’s all I’ve got, and I hope you’ll accept it.”
She smiles sweetly. It’s the only kind she’s ever had. Her eyes well with tears an instant before they start falling down her now ruddy cheeks. “You’re in my apartment, aren’t you?”
Throwing herself across the single cushion dividing us, she pulls me into a choking hug. I guess that’s her way of telling me that I’m forgiven. I hug her back fiercely and take a relieved breath, because I was so close to losing this person that I need in my life.
Several minutes have passed by the time she pulls away and settles back on her side of the sofa. We both have to wipe our cheeks and touch up the makeup that has spread beneath our eyes, but it feels as though a tremendous weight has been lifted off my chest.
“I was never mad at you, you know,” Annie says as she wipes her nose with a tissue. “I understand why you were upset. I kind of hit you with the news out of nowhere and Jason is involved and…”
…and I have an extreme dislike for Jason. The words are left unspoken, but they don’t have to be for me to understand her meaning.
She waves her hand in the air and rolls her eyes at the ceiling. “Anyway, there’s nothing to forgive. You’re my sister from another mother. We fight, we get angry with each other sometimes, but we’ll always be sisters.”