"Huh?" Shawna said, startled at the change of subject.
"Yeah. With Ryan. He was 16 at the time. It was his first, too."
"Oh. I thought you were all moral and Christian and that."
Courtney snorted. "Publicity. My mother thought it would be a good idea if we positioned ourselves as the anti-Kellehers. Fat lot of good that did."
"Yeah. You were awfully young when you guys did it. He didn’t force you?"
"Ryan?" she snorted. "You know Ryan Killen better than that."
"You must have really been in love with him, then-or horny," Shawna laughed.
Courtney snorted out a giggle, but then got serious. "Neither. You know, I think I fell a little bit in love with him later-but I also hated him. It’s complicated. But I didn’t sleep with him for any normal reason." She took a deep breath. "I slept with him because my mother had convinced me that sex is what you did to keep a man around."
"Oh," Shawna said, completely horrified but trying to hide it.
"Yeah. You know, I often think it would’ve been easier if Ryan had been brutal. I was sleeping with him for the most calculating and mercenary of reasons. It might have been easier if he just took his piece and rolled off of me. But you know Ryan-he’s not like that. He was gentle and all that. I actually came-which was the last thing I expected. I wasn’t having sex for sex-shit, I was 13. I was spreading my legs to keep him interested. And he gave me an orgasm. That’s the day I started hating him. And falling in love with him. All at the same time.
"God, I’m so fucked up."
Shawna looked at her. "Courtney? Why are you telling me all this? Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind at all, but why me?"
"Because you’re the only one that ever cared to listen," Courtney said sadly.
"Oh," Shawna said. "Then you just keep talking if you need to."
Courtney shot her a grateful smile. "Anyhow, Ryan and I went on like that for a while. You know what sex was like with us? I either completely dominated him, or lied down motionless. That was because I was ‘offering’ myself for his sake. The first was because I hated him. But I didn’t.
"You can probably imagine what that was like for him. But he never knew what was going on in my mind-and he did try. Somehow I had lumped him in with my mother. I wasn’t going to trust him. And I should have.
"When he found his girlfriend, I panicked. That’s why I gave him the ‘her or me’ ultimatum. And, in the month we were together after Jessie left, I suggested we start sleeping together again."
"Still using it to keep him around," Shawna commented, then wanted to take it back.
However, Courtney said, "Exactly. Shawna, if you could have seen the look of disgust and revulsion in his face when I suggested it. I think that’s when I finally realized the jig was up, that I was fooling myself, and that I had dug myself a hole I was not getting out of.
"And I think that’s when my eyes opened. Look, I know what’s going on. Most of the people that come in contact with me can’t stand to be in the same room with me." Her voice dropped. "The only problem is, one of those people is me."
Shawna sat for a moment, then said, "I guessed, and told Evan, that you were carrying around a lot of anger, and that it was primarily directed at your mother. But that you took it out on everyone else because, up until very recently, you were dependent on your mother."
"That’s probably right," Courtney agreed. "But, also, up until recently, I trusted my mother."
"You didn’t know any different."
"Probably not." Then Courtney started to cry. "Damn, and she’s coming here? Oh, Lord, what am I going to do?"
She sat there crying. Shawna, watching this with dismay, made a decision. She moved over on the couch and took Courtney in her arms. Courtney’s cries got louder, and Shawna held her and let her cry it out. "Don’t worry, we’ll think of something," Shawna said. She stroked Courtney’s hair while she cried. Finally, Courtney stopped sobbing and whispered, "Thank you."
"You’re welcome," Shawna said. She expected Courtney to get up, out of her arms-but she didn’t. She stayed where she was. They were both half-reclined on the couch, leaning back into the arm, Shawna’s arm wrapped around Courtney, her other hand still stroking her hair. Courtney sighed contentedly.
What was going on here? Shawna thought to herself. Courtney knew she was gay, right? Shawna guessed Courtney was still thinking what Shawna had said earlier was true-that Courtney wasn’t Shawna’s type.
Problem is, it wasn’t true. Shawna was definitely attracted to needy girls. Once she had figured out that Courtney’s bitchiness was a shield, hiding away some very deep emotional needs, her whole perspective changed. And Courtney’s physical charms were undeniable.
And she seemed very comfortable lying there in Shawna’s arms.
So, Shawna bit the bullet. "Courtney?" she said quietly. "Have you ever been with a girl?"
"No," she whispered.
"Have you ever thought about it?"
"I don’t think so."
Shawna took the arm that had been wrapped around Courtney, and started sliding it up and down her arm. In doing this, she lightly grazed Courtney’s breast with her palm every time she slid her hand. Courtney shuddered at the contact.
"Are you thinking about it now?" Shawna asked quietly.
"Uhm…uh…" Courtney’s brain was a sieve at this moment. She couldn’t say anything coherent if her life depended on it. But she knew she was enjoying being in Shawna’s arms. Shawna was being so nice to her! And her hand tracing up and down her arm-and skirting over her boob-felt wonderful.
Courtney had never considered being with a girl. To her shock, she realized she was considering it now-and she wasn’t quite sure how she felt about that.
Shawna knew she had Courtney in a very vulnerable situation, and she was torn as to whether or not she should take advantage of it. She would stop-all Courtney had to do was say so-but she was drawn to Courtney in a way she didn’t entirely understand. So, she went for it. She leaned down, and let her lips lightly brush Courtney’s.
And Courtney felt an electric shock from her lips to the tips of her toes. She accepted the kiss-in fact, she pressed in harder, giving Shawna the answer she was looking for. Courtney moaned into her mouth, and her lips parted slightly, giving Shawna the opportunity to gently slip her tongue into Courtney’s mouth.
Courtney couldn’t believe it. This was so different from kissing a guy! Shawna was so gentle, and her lips were so soft. And her tongue didn’t invade Courtney’s mouth so much as explore it. Courtney was reeling. She was reeling moreso when she felt Shawna’s hand softly touching her breast.
They did this for a few minutes, Courtney sinking deeper and deeper into it. Then Shawna gave her one more chance to stop it. She broke the kiss, and said, "Court, we’d be a lot more comfortable in my bed."
Courtney thought about it, and decided. "OK," she said hesitantly. They got off the couch, and Shawna took Courtney by the hand and led her to her room. When there, Shawna pressed her advantage. She sat Courtney down on her bed, and started unbuttoning Courtney’s blouse.
Courtney sat there, watching another girl undress her. When Shawna had Courtney’s blouse and bra on, she leaned in again, touching her lips to the other girl’s. As their lips pressed together and their tongues dueled, Shawna put her hand on Courtney’s bare breast, fondling it and rubbing the nipple. Courtney moaned into Shawna’s mouth.
Shawna kept it up, feeling Courtney’s nipple become erect under her hand. Then Courtney surprised her. Shawna felt Courtney tugging on the waistband of her tee shirt. Shawna was amazed-she thought she’d be undressing herself! She gladly broke the kiss and let Courtney get her shirt and bra off. When that was done, she leaned back in, kissing Courtney again and fondling her boob. Then, Shawna felt Courtney place a tentative hand on Shawna’s boob.
Courtney was adrift. She couldn’t believe how this was making her feel. I mean, she’d seen naked girls before-of course she had, in locker rooms if nowhere else. She couldn’t believe the thrills he got when she removed Shawna’s shirt and bra-and the thrill she was getting from touching Shawna’s boob. To say nothing of what Shawna was doing to her.