I didn’t say anything. Met Yngve’s gaze.
How could he stoop so low? They were brothers, Gunnar was his younger brother, and he not only had some order in his life, the children he brought up were close to him, they trusted him, I could see that whenever I saw them, there was not a trace of fear in their eyes, on the contrary, they liked their father. If he had told dad he was drinking too much, he was perfectly within his rights, who else was going to say that? Me? Ha ha, don’t make me laugh. And the cabin? Gunnar was the only one of the brothers who used it and always had done, he loved living out there. Dad didn’t. If dad got his hands on the cabin he would sell it.
I watched him, he sat there with his eyes brimming and the slightly stupid expression around his mouth he always had when he was drunk.
‘Perhaps it would be best to show the slides tomorrow,’ Yngve said. ‘It’s already late.’
‘What slides?’ dad said.
‘Of China,’ Yngve said.
‘Oh, that’s right, yes,’ dad said.
Unni stretched her arms above her head.
‘Well,’ she said. ‘Now I really do have to go to bed.’
‘I’m coming too,’ dad said. ‘I’ll just have a few words with my two sons, who have come a long way to see their dad.’
Unni ruffled his hair and went into their bedroom. As soon as the door was closed Fredrik got up.
‘Goodnight,’ he said.
‘Are you off too?’ dad said. ‘You aren’t pregnant, are you?’
He laughed, I looked at Fredrik and raised my eyebrows to indicate to him that he wasn’t alone in what he thought.
‘I’m tired too,’ Kristin said. ‘Either it’s the journey or it’s the sea air. Whichever it is, it’s goodnight anyway!’
After she had gone we three sat saying nothing. Dad gazed into the air and finished his beer, then fetched another. I wasn’t drunk, but I could feel the alcohol.
‘Here we are then,’ dad said.
‘Yes,’ I said.
‘Just like in the old days. Do you remember, in Tybakken? Yngve and Karl Ove. Sitting in the kitchen and having breakfast.’
‘How could we ever forget?’ Yngve said.
‘Yes,’ said dad. ‘It wasn’t an easy time for me either. I’d like you to know that.’
‘Times aren’t easy for lots of people,’ Yngve said. ‘But it’s not everyone who takes it out on their children.’
‘No,’ dad said. He started crying. ‘I’m so happy to have you here,’ he said.
‘Do you have to get so sentimental?’ Yngve said. ‘Can’t we talk about this in a normal fashion?’
‘Unni’s got a new life in her tummy now. It’ll be either your brother or your sister. Think about that.’
He smiled through the tears, dried them, emptied the bottle and rolled himself a cigarette.
Yngve and I exchanged glances. It was hopeless, you got nothing from him but hot air.
‘I’m going to bed,’ Yngve said.
Dad said nothing as he left. I didn’t want him to be on his own and stayed a little while longer, but when he made no sign of either leaving or speaking, and just sat there staring into the room, in the end I got up too and went to bed.
After breakfast next day Yngve, Kristin, Fredrik and I went to town and wandered through the snow-covered windblown night-black streets. While Yngve and Kristin went into a clothes shop I sat in a café chatting to Fredrik. We exchanged a few names of bands, established a kind of base and then we started talking about what we could actually do in this godforsaken town. We couldn’t just sit on our hands in the flat. He said there was a swimming pool not far away, perhaps we could go there later in the day? That’s a good idea, Unni said when we went home. Yes, a great idea, dad said from inside the living room. I haven’t been to a pool in years. Are you going to join them?! Unni said. Yes, why not? he said. I could see Fredrik wasn’t happy, but I thought it might be OK, the evening was a long time away. Unni drove us because dad had drunk a couple of beers. We went into the changing room with our gear and sat down on the bench.
Dad started undressing.
I turned away. I had never seen him undress, I had never been in the same room as him before when he was doing something so intimate. Sitting on the bench, he folded his trousers, rolled his socks in a ball and undid his shirt.
I felt myself getting hot and flustered, didn’t know where to look or what to do with myself, because now he was taking off his underpants and for a few seconds he was completely naked.
I had never seen him naked before, and a shudder went through me as I cast my eyes over him.
He looked at me and smiled.
Everything else had been removed, there was just the smile he sent me before turning away to put on his trunks.
I put on mine and together we walked into the spacious swimming area.
When we returned home Unni had made dinner, a fondue, dad drank a bottle of red wine on his own, afterwards Yngve and Kristin showed their slides of China. Unni had borrowed a projector from school. They talked and explained, dad sat and looked on with no interest at all, I could see Yngve was getting annoyed, why did it bother him, I thought, he should give up on dad.
Fredrik was ironic with dad, who got angry and rebuked him, which made Unni furious, she went to her room, he struggled to his feet and followed, they shouted at each other while, in the living room, we pretended everything was fine. Something smashed against the wall, a shout became a scream, then there was silence. Dad emerged, said nothing, had a drink, suddenly looked up at us and grinned that inane grin of his, looked at Fredrik and said they could go fishing tomorrow if he wanted, his sons weren’t interested in fishing.
Of all the days dad described in his notebooks this is the only one I have a clear memory of, presumably because I saw him naked for the first and only time in his life.
In the notebook he wrote:
Friday 6 March
With K.O. and Fredrik in the swimming pool.
Nice to swim again. Home for fondue and slides of China.
Thereafter chat. Too much to drink. Scenes. Unni fed up — broke clock.
Shame.
On the last evening in Northern Norway I was alone again in the living room after the others had gone to bed. I smoked, made myself some tea, read a book I found, got up and found their photo album, wanting to see the disconcerting pictures once more, and at the back I came across some papers from which it emerged that the travel company had been informed by the hospital where dad had been admitted that the heart problems had been induced by an excess of medicines and alcohol.
I read this with a chill that ran through my whole body.
Medicines?
What sort of medicines was he taking?
There were several documents, I flicked through them, some were connected with a lawsuit he had clearly been involved in that spring. The trigger was an incident with a Securitas guard at the bus station in Kristiansand, and as I read it I remembered that he had mentioned something about it once, he had been harassed, but I knew nothing about him taking the matter to the law courts. However, he had lost resoundingly and had been ordered to pay the costs.