That was one reason she felt such wrenching guilt. Needing to lash out, she snapped, "And you don't want to give that pleasure up. Is my submission to your advances the price for your aid in finding Kira?"
His hands clamped painfully onto her upper arms, and she felt sheer rage crackling through him. They were still joined, and she felt utterly vulnerable, surrounded and invaded by his strength. Yet when he spoke, his voice was soft, lethally so. "Have I ever done or said anything to suggest that my help is conditional?"
"No." She looked down. "But I can't help feeling that I am very much at your mercy."
There was another explosive silence. Then, uncannily, he asked, "Are you trying to provoke me so that I'll stay at a safe distance?"
She stiffened, wondering how he could know her mind better than she did. "Perhaps… perhaps I am. I feel overwhelmed, Lucien, terrified about Kira, exhausted by the effort of living her life, and now by you. I'm like a leaf in a storm, with no control over my life. It's not a pleasant sensation."
"I don't suppose it is," he said quietly. His hard grip on her arms relaxed and he pulled her close again. "But it won't be for much longer. Soon you'll have your own life back again."
In the lull Sir Digby Upright's voice carried through the theater as he gave a monologue about what he would do to regain his position and punish his enemies. She could float in seductive contentment for a little while longer.
They had never separated, and as she lay in his arms, she realized that he was beginning to firm inside her. If they made love again, it would be slower and gentler than before. There would be more time to savor the growth of desire, the rich splendor of fulfillment____________________
The very last thing she needed was to become even more dependent on a man who turned her mind and body to butter. Summoning all her will, she disengaged herself and got to her feet.
As she withdrew she felt the shiver of protest in his muscles, followed almost instantly by acceptance. Silently he handed her a handkerchief so that she could dry herself, then stood and began to order his appearance.
Trying to sound more worldly than she was, she said, "As if there weren't already enough good reasons for me to behave myself, there is the risk of pregnancy. That is a possible complication so disastrous I don't even want to think about it."
"Not so disastrous." He smoothed the wrinkles from his coat. "Even if you have already conceived, by the time you are sure, we will be married."
Her hands clenched on the edge of her mantle as she said involuntarily, "I wish you would stop talking about that."
Chapter 30
As soon as the words came out of her mouth, Kit froze, wishing she could retract them.
It was too much to hope that he would let her remark pass. He fixed his too-observant gaze on her, his face unreadable in the dim light. "Is it the idea of having a child that bothers you, or is it marriage?"
Knowing that the only way to distract him was with a partial truth, she said, "I dislike the idea of being dragged to the altar to appease your notion of honor. It seems a poor foundation for a marriage."
He turned his head slightly, and a ray of light caught his eyes with a green, catlike flash. "So that's the problem. I should have guessed."
He took her hand, not pulling her toward him, but simply interlacing his fingers with hers. "I have been less than honest. Though I have talked about marriage as the right, honorable, and moral thing to do, I would not have offered if I hadn't wanted to marry you." He lifted their joined hands and kissed her fingertips. "There is already a great deal between us. I hope that in time there will be more."
She tried to pull her hand free. "But I don't think I want to be married."
His fingers locked on hers, preventing her retreat. "I'm not asking for your whole heart. A fairly small piece will do. I swear that I won't interfere with your work or try to come between you and your sister."
"Don't make promises you'll regret," she said miserably. "The less said now, the easier it will be to part later."
"I don't intend to part from you, my dear," he said calmly. "Not unless you loathe me so much you can't bear to be in the same room with me, and that doesn't appear to be the case."
"You may want me now," she said in a brittle voice, "but you haven't met Kira. After you do, you'll lose interest in me."
His hand clenched hard on hers. As clearly as if he had spoken, she sensed his shock and a searing edge of anger.
A burst of applause filled the theater. Soon the second act would end. When the applause died, Lucien said with scathing humor, "I once knew a man who said that women are like rugs-both need to be beaten regularly to keep them in good condition. I never agreed, but perhaps he had a point. Where did you get the nonsensical notion that I am going to fall madly in love with Kira as soon as I meet her?"
"Because everyone does!" Kit snapped. "She is whatever you like in me, and so much more."
"Even if you are right, her affections are engaged. At least Jason Travers seems to think so," he pointed out dryly. "So I shall have to settle for marrying you."
Though she knew he meant the words ironically, they were too painful to be amusing. "Marriage is one place where I won't happily settle for being second best to Kira. I'd rather be a spinster. In fact, I've planned on it all my life."
She wrenched her hand free. "When the time comes, be willing to fight for Kira. Jason is quite a man, but you surpass him. If you want her, you may well be able to win her." She turned and headed for the door. "I must leave now. I have to change my costume for the third act."
Swift as a panther, he slid across the box and blocked her exit. "It's much easier to have a twin of the opposite sex. Less competition," he said, so much compassion in his voice that she wanted to weep. "You haven't a very high opinion of love, do you? It's not a contest to be won; it's a bond that is forged between two hearts. The fact that you and Kira are virtually identical in appearance doesn't make you interchangeable to those who care about you. And while I'm gratified that you find me more attractive than Travers, it's doubtful that your sister will share your opinion."
Wearily she said, "You think I'm talking nonsense, but you haven't met Kira. You don't know the impact she'll have on you."
"I don't need to-I already know the impact you have on me." He caught her waist and kissed her hard, imprinting his anger and his determination with an intensity that left her shaken.
Raising his head, he said, "I will make allowances for the fact that your sister's disappearance has scrambled your wits. But don't think this conversation is over. When Kira is safe, it will be resumed, and when I am finished, you will believe me. I swear it."
It was fortunate that he released her then, for she was incapable of answering. She pulled her hood over her hair and gathered her mantle around her, then fled. She was barely in time. The applause in the theater indicated that the act was ending, and in a few moments the corridors would fill with people.
A narrow stairwell took her down to a ground-floor service passage. As she made her way backstage, she should have been thinking about her next scene, but she couldn't. Her mind was too full of the man who wouldn't go away even when he was pushed.
Knowing he was unready to face his theater guests, Lucien lingered in the empty box as the second interval began. It was hard to believe that a few minutes earlier he and Kit had been coupling with mind-drugging intensity-in the middle of a theater! He was definitely losing his mind.
Why couldn't he have become involved with a simpler woman?
Because simple women didn't interest him; didn't challenge him; didn't make him so mad with desire that he could escape his restless, overactive mind. And of course intimacy with lesser women had always proved more painful than it was worth. Kit might leave him frothing, but at least he wasn't depressed.