After the pain was firmly locked away, he discovered a weary sense of peace. Though Kit had slipped away, taking his dreams with her, tonight he had found a measure of absolution for his failure to save his sister's life.
Chapter 39
At first Kit and Kira did not speak, content merely to hold hands as the carriage rumbled through the icy ruts. Rather than try to find her lost clothing in the maze of tunnels, Kit wore her outrageous costume under a warm cloak that Chiswick had given her. His usual cynical detachment had vanished; she guessed that he was trying to make amends for his failure to recognize the full depravity of his fellow Hellions.
Ruthlessly she suppressed her memory of the moment when Lucien had hugged Kira and said that she was everything Kit had described. After all, she had expected something like that. If she allowed herself to feel the pain, she would disintegrate, and for that she would rather be alone. Now she would rejoice in her sister's survival. There would be time enough for anguish later.
The silence was broken when Kira said in a shaking voice, "I just killed a man. I keep seeing the blood, and ' his face…";
"Good riddance," Kit said tartly. "Quite apart from Mace's other sins, he was in the process of trying to knife Lucien. It's all very well to forgive one's enemies, but not until after they've been safely hung."
Her sister's faint smile faded quickly. "He never raped me, he never even kissed me. I suppose he was saving that for his grand finale. But being forced to play his loathsome games was almost as bad. I felt helpless, soiled."
"Yet you survived and kept your sanity as well," Kit said quietly. "Few women could have been as strong."
"I never could have done it without you. No matter how dreadful things were, I knew that on some level you were always with me. When it became unendurable, I drew on your strength. I also knew that if I could stay alive long enough, you would find me." Kira's clasp tightened. "And you did." "
"I had help." Kit glanced at her sister, seeing the familiar profile outlined against the window. Though in principle she didn't believe in revenge, in this case she applauded it. Surely Kira's act of vengeful justice had restored some of what Mace had taken away.
"And very impressive help it was," Kira said, sounding more like herself. "Tell me everything that happened."
For her twin Kit recounted everything, except for her relationship with Lucien. That was too painful to discuss.
Kira swore when she learned about Jason's imprisonment and escape, but didn't interrupt. At the end she jxclaimed, "My shy, straitlaced little sister played in The Gypsy Lass!"
"And cut my hair and got tattooed with that damned butterfly so that no one would notice any difference," Kit said acerbically.
Kira chuckled. "How were your notices?"
"The critics said I was in good form." Kit shrugged. 'I merely pretended that I was you. The audience saw what they expected of Cassie James."
"Maybe you should take my place permanently," Kira suggested. "I'm not going to continue acting, but it would be a pity to retire Cassie right when fame is there for he plucking."
Startled, Kit said, "You're going to leave the stage?"
"I've had enough. Sometimes it was wonderful- here's nothing like knowing you hold an audience in the palm of your hand. But the theater world is narrow and self-absorbed and takes itself far too seriously. I was often impatient with it."
"You never hinted at that before."
Kira's fingers moved restlessly within her sister's. "I didn't want to admit that it was a mistake to become an actress. And it wasn't a complete mistake-having done I can now walk away with no regrets." A warmer note entered her voice. "A good thing I've had enough, because continuing to act wouldn't be fair to Jason. Theater people should marry only other theater people."
"So you are going to marry him?"
"There's nothing on earth I want more. After I met him, damn his stubborn American hide, no one else would do. I assume he feels the same, or he never would have come for me." An anxious note sounded in her voice. "You like him, don't you? It would be dreadful if you didn't."
"I like him very much. The two of you should suit wonderfully."
"He has the ability to be emotionally intimate. That's rare in a man. I think it was because his mother raised him-he takes women seriously." Kira chuckled. "He probably didn't mention it, but he's also done rather well with his shipping business. Can you believe it? A Travers male who knows how to make money instead of wasting it! Papa would have considered that heresy."
"Obviously, two generations in America have improved the stock," Kit agreed. "But why did you refuse him three years ago? He said that you didn't want to leave England, but surely, since you loved him so much…"
"I couldn't bear to be so far from you, of course." Kira's clasp tightened again. "It was bad enough being separated when we were both in England, but to have a whole ocean between us… As much as I loved Jason, I simply couldn't go with him."
Kit was so moved that at first she couldn't reply. "I would have felt that way," she said quietly, "but I didn't know you did." She hesitated, wondering if she should ask the question that had nagged at her since she met Jason.
Inevitably, Kira noticed. "What are you not saying?"
"Why didn't you tell him about me?" Kit asked, trying to repress the hurt. "He knew I existed, but not that we were twins, much less what that means. Were you ashamed of me?"
"Kit, no! How could you think such a thing?"
"Why else would you keep silent?"
After a long silence Kira said haltingly, "I hate having to admit this-it sounds so horribly petty. But… I was afraid he would prefer you to me."
Kit sat bolt upright. "Have you run mad? No man has ever preferred me to you!"
"It's not a joking matter," Kira snapped. "I hate your false modesty. It's bad enough that you can out-think and out-talk me-you don't have to out-humble me as well."
Kit gasped at the sheer unfairness of the remark. "If I'm humble, it's because I have plenty of reason to be," she said, her voice trembling as she thought of Lucien. "I've spent my whole life trailing around in your shadow. The quiet twin. The dull twin. The twin who isn't Kristine, who looks exactly the same except that for some reason she isn't as pretty. I haven't minded that, but you have no right to accuse me of hypocrisy!"
Kira bit her lip. "Oh, Kit, I'm so sorry. My nerves are a wreck, but I shouldn't take it out on you of all people."
They went into each other's arms again, tears very close to the surface. Kit thought of their childhood, when they would creep into the same bed and sleep together like kittens. Impossible to imagine her life without her twin.
Eventually Kit disengaged herself. "Have you ever noticed that when we've been apart, we always have some stupid little disagreement shortly after we're reunited?"
Kira settled back and took her sister's hand again. "You're right, it happens every time. Why do you think that's so?"
"Because we miss each other so much." After a peaceful silence, Kit added, "I still can't believe you thought I could ever be a rival for Jason. Firstly, I would never, ever do that to you, and secondly, that man adores the water you walk on."
"I knew you wouldn't deliberately try to win him away, but men are always so intrigued by you," Kira said ruefully. "I'm such a frivolous creature. You're wiser, stronger, and you have a quality of female mystery that drives men wild. I didn't really doubt either Jason or you-but because you're both so important to me, I couldn't help worrying a little."
"Are we talking about the same person?" Kit said incredulously. "Me as a mysterious enchanter of men? You're off your head, big sister! Back in Kendal, you were always the one who was surrounded three deep by admirers."