“It is.”
“I get that. But what am I supposed to do?” he asked. “Back off and never see her again because I don’t know where we’ll end up? Would that be any better?”
“I don’t know. Would it?” Jamie asked.
Mick scrubbed at his chin. “I’m trying to figure it out, okay? Don’t ride me about this, Jamie,” he warned. “I’m doing the best I can.”
“You still have feelings for her,” Jamie stated.
“And you still have an uncanny gift for stating the obvious.”
Despite all the years of his attempts at denial, he knew he’d never been able to hide how he felt about Allie from his best friend. Hell, he hadn’t done a good job of hiding it from himself.
Jamie lowered his voice. “Mick, just don’t drag this on too long if you can’t carry through. That’s all I’m asking. Don’t hurt her any more than you have to.”
He nodded. “I feel like a bastard already for even being with her. I’d feel like a bastard if I refused her. There’s no good way out of this.”
Except that despite all his bluster he wasn’t sure he wanted out. Being with her felt too damn good to stop. Being with her, playing her, having her submit to him.
He understood his own limitations. He knew he’d had his walls up last night, this morning. He’d had to. Was it fair to her that challenging his limits was a sort of experiment for him? That he really didn’t have any idea how it would turn out?
“Hell, Jamie, this is all new to me. You two sprang it on me—and I’m not saying that to hit you over the head with it, okay? Just stating a fact. But I wasn’t ready for it. Not that I haven’t thought of being with Allie again, which I’m sure you know, but that was just fantasy material. Until now. Now it’s damn real, and I have Allie to be responsible for, without knowing what I’m even fucking capable of these days, outside of the BDSM arena.”
“Yeah, I get it, Mick.”
He took another gulp of his beer. “I don’t know if I can give her what she wants. But I don’t know if I can stop. It’s a tug-of-war in my head.”
No, he couldn’t stop now. Having had this taste of Allie—of Allie as a woman, rather than a girl—was something he couldn’t resist.
No, he wasn’t about to stop.
* * *
ALLIE SWUNG OPEN the back door to Marie Dawn’s house and walked into the cozy blue-and-white kitchen.
“Hi, honey, I’m home!” she called out as she let the screen door shut behind her.
Her best friend came in from the dining room and immediately wrapped Allie in a warm hug.
“Allie, chérie, I’ve missed you! I’m so sorry I couldn’t make lunch yesterday. If it had been anything other than an emergency with grand-mère . . . I feel terrible that it turned out to be nothing more than a little indigestion.”
“You had no way of knowing—it’s fine. And I’ve missed you, too.” She pulled away and held Marie Dawn at arm’s length. “And look how gorgeous your hair is! It’s almost to your waist. I love it.”
“So does Neal,” her friend said, beaming.
Mick’s brother Neal and Marie Dawn had eloped when she was still in college, and they were still as crazy about each other as they’d been the day they said their vows.
Must be nice.
“Let me get you some coffee. How hungry are you? I have a nice Niçoise salad ready, but I’m dying to hear everything.”
Allie sat down at the painted white kitchen table and let Marie Dawn place a cup of coffee in front of her while she tried to organize the chaos whirling around in her brain. She’d lied to Mick that morning when she’d told him she was fine. And either she’d done a great job of it, or he’d been anxious enough to get away that he’d accepted it. Maybe a little of both.
“Everything is a lot,” she said, playing with her coffee mug.
Marie Dawn sat down across from her. “Okay. Pick a place and start.”
Allie blew out a breath. “Well . . . Mick came to my place to pick me up, and things started to happen right away. I mean, it was obvious who was in charge from that first moment. And I liked it. I’m not complaining. We had an amazing scene at the club. Everything went really smoothly.” She laughed. “Well, not smoothly, maybe. The play was a little too rough for that to be the right word. But I know you don’t really want to know that part.”
Marie Dawn smiled. “Nope. The sexy stuff with my brother-in-law I don’t need to hear. I’ll just mentally fill in the blanks. Or not. Go on.”
“So, during aftercare we talked . . . and it was good. Honest. More honest than we’ve ever been, probably. I made him talk to me about what had gone wrong with us. In high school, and after that night we spent together later.”
“And?”
Allie bit her lip. “And . . . I asked him if we could start again. I didn’t expect to blurt it out the way I did, and I think he was surprised, too. Although neither of us should be, I suppose. I wouldn’t have forced this whole thing if that wasn’t at least part of my intention. And he wouldn’t have accepted—and he certainly wouldn’t have come back for a second round after that first night—if that weren’t part of his intention, too. At least I think so. Things got a little confusing later, but at the club after the scene we really talked. And he admitted a few things to me—things I’d already suspected, for the most part. About us. About how he felt after his accident. I knew it changed him, but I never really saw how deeply breaking his leg, having the rod surgery, the permanent limp, damaged him, maybe because I only actually saw him once after that.”
Marie Dawn nodded pensively. “I knew he never got over not being able to be a firefighter. Neal and I have talked about it. The whole family is aware of it. They’ve always been careful not to guilt-trip him about it.”
“They don’t need to—I think he does enough of that himself. He feels so ashamed. Because of the family, and because of that family pride in New Orleans, being a part of it.”
“Which is crazy,” Marie Dawn said. “I told you how much volunteer work he did after Katrina. For three years he worked on rebuilding people’s homes with Jamie’s brother, Allister. He still volunteers once in a while if a particular project comes up. It’s not as if he’s never paid his dues to this city. He likes to pretend he’s a badass, with all that bare-knuckle boxing stuff and his leather jackets, but he’s as good a citizen as any of his brothers.”
“I know. But he’s obviously never gotten over it. It’s really shaped how he feels about himself. And maybe how he feels about me.”
“In the past, or now?”
“Both, maybe. Because things were going really beautifully last night and then he just . . . turned away from me. Literally. Everything was amazing and . . . beautiful. And then he wouldn’t look at me anymore.”
Tears burned in her eyes, and she pressed against them with both hands.
Marie Dawn put a hand on her arm. “Oh, no, chérie, my sweet, please don’t be so sad. Men can be stupid creatures. Believe me, I know—I’ve been married to one for ten years.”
Allie had to smile. She took her hands away from her face and grasped both of her friend’s. “You’re right. And Mick’s stubborn as hell, too—a combination that scares me. But I know if I turn away we won’t have a chance.”
“It’s often the woman who has to take care of a relationship. And that’s my sexist comment for the day. But I think you’ll need to if you two are going to have a shot at being together. Because to get Mick to admit he’s afraid of anything will be pretty much impossible.”
Allie rolled her eyes. “That’s for sure. I just have to hang in there and see how this all plays out, I guess.”
“You can do it. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
“I don’t always feel strong. But I’m trying.”
“When are you seeing him again?”