"No," I said, "
"they need more evidence than that; it isn't enough. Don't worry about it."
"Oh, I'm not worried, don't kid yourself."
His glasses duplicated the triangular flame of another match. "They wouldn't know what to make of me, because I'm not your average guy. I know that.
Why, I couldn't fight. It isn't my line. My line is getting by."
"How do you get by, Alf?"
"It's a wonder to me. But every January swings around, somehow, and there I am; I've come through. But I don't know how. I work a little, sponge a little, gamble a little.
II am a. deadbeat. Or will be till I what I wantsuppose to become. Well, I entertain the people I sponge from. That's something, anyhow."
"You expect me to pay for your coffee?" I said.
"You, Joseph? This is Dutch treat. What a corny joke!" He looked offended.
"I was referring to the entertainment."
"Oh. One of these days I expect an opening @?
"I didn't mean anything by that," I said.
"Forget it. Who holds your bad jokes against you? Did you see me in any of the Federal productions?
"I wasn't bad. A big improvement over the old days. Roxanne! Remember? Ha, ha!
Well, it's in the family. Have you ever heard my old lady sing, were you ever around when that happened?
Oh, you've missed something. My brother writes songs, too. He just wrote one for the United Nations. It's called "Let's Link Hands Across the Ocean." He keeps bothering me to do something about it. He's sure it would make the Hit Parade. Now he wants me to go to New York on the insurance money. Wilma's against it."
"Do you intend to go?"
"A year ago I would have gone like a shot. But since Wilma's against it… I owe the girl a good turn. I got her into trouble a few years ago. Phil hung a shiner on her when they were living together for taking twenty dollars out of his pocket. Only she didn't take it.
I took it."
"Did you confess?"
"Confess! It would spoil my credit with him forever. I was sure they'd make it up by and by. He gave her an awful pasting. She cried '@.
"Were you there when it happened?"
"Right in the room. I couldn't butt in."
"What about the money?"
"I pinned it on a false hope. I suppose you think that's terrible, huh? Well, this may sound hard, and you may not believe it, but they're more human when they're fighting. bbss, it was like a movie. He suffered remorse, she forgave him because he was her man, and so on. They got a big kick out of it. I know. I was their go-between. But now she says she's the one who should take the song to New York, if anyone goes. I guess she sees herself in Tin- Pan Alley, her face streaked with tears @?
"Oh, it can't be that bad."
"Can't it, though? You don't know the type.
Let me show you. She hides overnight in a publisher's broom closet and surprises Mr.
Snaith-Hawkins himself in the morning. "What are you doing here?"' "Oh, for my sake, Sir, listen to this. My husband wrote it." As he sternly refuses, she throws herself at his feet, and he says, "Come now, my girl." Not a bad man, you see. "It's not only for my sake, but for Democracy and…@'@; as she goes on, he relents. "You shouldn't be lying on the floor, my dear. Here, take this chair. I'll have Mr.
Trubshevsky run through it" (the score)-Just wait" (i had tried to interrupt)-"Trubshevsky plays; Snaith-Hawkins frowns, strokes his beard. His expression changes. Trubshevsky pounds in ecstasy. They sing together, "Let's link hands," et cetera. "This is great, positively!" exclaims Snaith-Hawkins. And Trubshevsky, enthusiastically, his eyes shining, "Your husband is a genius, Madam, positively."
"There, don't cry, my dear," says Snaith-Hawkins. "Oh, Sir, you can't understand. all those years of struggle, driving a cab, working at his music after supper." They're overcome. You see?" said Steidler. "That's how they think. She'll probably go. It's money thrown away. Well, he won't be satisfied otherwise."
"What a shame."
"It's not a shame at all. It's just as well.
Just think what the world would be like if their dreams came true."
Or if yours came true, I was tempted to say.
I had a full day of this. He walked home with me and stayed until five o'clock, talking incessantly and smoking so many cigars I had to ventilate the room when he left. I was as tired as though I had spent the day in dissipations of a particularly degrading sort with Steidler as my accomplice. I did not tell Ira of the visit. She disapproves of him.
February 2
Sa'IL. no fruits and flowers. I have been too lazy to stir out. But I know I am not lazy.
Here is an incalculable deception. Lazy we are not. When we seem so, our cyclonic wishes are baffled, and pride requires us to be indifferent.
The Egyptians were right to make one of their gods a cat. They, the worshipers, knew that only a cat's eyes could see into their interior darkness.
The papers say no husbands have been drafted from Illinois since last summer. But now the supply of men is lower, and married men without dependents will soon be called up. Steidler asked me how I was using my liberty. I answered that I was preparing myself spiritually, that I was willing to be a member of the Army, but not a part of it. I–Ie thought this a very witty answer. He believes I am a natural comedian and laughs at everything I say. The more serious I become, the harder he laughs.
He now reveals that he lived in the County Hospital for three months, last year, in the internes' quarters. The cials knew nothing about it.
His friend Shailer, who was then in residence, took him in, and the other internes agreed to keep his secret.
He ate in the cafeteria, and his clothes were washed in the hospital laundry. He made his pocket money at cards; there were escapades and jokes; he was introduced to patients as a specialist; he gave advice. the internes were genial and admiring; he was hilarious. Shailer's room was crowded all night long. He was given a party right in the hospital before he left for California. And I suppose it is all true. He exaggerates, but he does not lie.
February 3
AN Hour with the Spirit of Alternatives.
"Let's have a talk, shall we, Joseph?"
"Glad to."
"We'll make ourselves comfortable."
"You can't be very comfortable here."
"Perfectly all right. I thrive on small hardships."
"You'll find all you need."
"Don't worry about me. You're the one who's uneasy."
"Well, the fact is, though I'm glad to have this opportunity, I can't quite place you."
"By name?"
"That doesn't matter."
"Of course not. I go by several."
"Such as?"
"Ohm'But on the Other Hand; or "Tuea.bledness Raison 4ussi." always know who I am; that's the important thing."
"An enviable position."
"I often think so."
"Have an orange."
"Oh, thanks, no."
"Take one, go on."
"They're so expensive now."
"To please me."
"Oh, well '@.
"I've grown fond of you. I like your manner."
"We'll each take half."
"Good enough."
"So you like me, Joseph?"
"Oh, yes.88That's flattering."
"No, really I do. I appreciate you."
"Igg.o you take quick likes and dislikes?88I try to be reasonable."
"I know you do."
"Is that wrong?"
"To Understand?"
"You want me to trust Unreason?"
"I want nothing; I suggest @?
"Feelings?88ally have them, Joseph.88Instincts?"