“What a ridiculous thing to say! Of course I have blood, extremely blue blood, as you well know, and don’t call me ‘woman’ in that tone, as if I’m a tavern wench or camp follower or French.” He turned away to hide his grin as she sat in the chair next to his.
“What on earth are you doing up at this late hour?” She leaned toward him as he sat, stared at him with concern, noting the dark circles beneath his eyes. An empty glass and nearly empty whiskey bottle were on the table next to him.
“I couldn’t sleep.” His voice sounded a bit rough. “It happens to me now and then, especially during thunderstorms. That’s why I like the doors and windows open. I dislike being locked in when it rains.”
“You’re a young healthy man; of course you can sleep. Don’t be ridiculous! Apply yourself.”
As he settled his back into the chair, he studied her face from lowered eyes. Much of the weight she had lost during her illness had not returned, and he noticed that her skin looked paper-thin, that her graying hair looked wiry where it was not confined within her braid. She looked brittle almost, fragile as glass.
“God, but I feel old tonight, Richard.” She removed her cap to vigorously scratch the back of her head, yawning loudly. Gradually her eyes became accustomed to the dim light, and she saw a room in disaster—clothes and shoes thrown about, dishes resting upon the floor. His valise was opened but unpacked and rested on a bench beneath his window.
Her eyes grew huge. “Good heavens!” She was certainly wide awake now. “Richard Fitzwilliam! Did I not send up a footman to act as your valet this visit?” As any mother would instinctively do, she arose from her seat and began picking up shirts and pants, straightening chairs and stacking the amazing array of dirty plates, all the time grunting and clucking her tongue with every dirty stocking and wrinkled neck scarf.
This was the last thing he needed this evening. His eyes rolled in irritation. “Yes, you did… I sent him away.”
She turned to him. “Whatever for?”
“He didn’t like me.”
“Well, of course he didn’t like you— he’s a servant!” After placing the folded clothes upon his dresser and the plates on the sideboard, she sat back down again. “To paraphrase our dear Lord, ‘No prophet is without honor except with his own valet.’”
For a moment she engaged in a struggle to return her nightcap properly to her head, finally assuring herself that it was situated correctly. Exhausted from her ordeal, she sighed loudly. “Not all servants are as loyal as your batboy, O’Malley. Where is he, by the way?”
Fitzwilliam rubbed his eyes. “That’s my batman, not batboy, and for some unexplained reason, he wished to remain in London and spend some private time alone with his wife before we return to Paris.”
His aunt’s only response was an uninterested, “How fascinating.”
He regarded her with a mischievous grin on his face. “And what on earth are you doing up at this late hour, stalking the hallways like the demented Lady Macbeth?”
“Well, as people age, they don’t need quite as much sleep as the young.”
“In that case, I wonder that you bother coming up to your room at all,” he mumbled then grinned when he saw her glare.
“I heard that. You are becoming much too cheeky, young man. I was talking with Darcy, if you must know.” She smiled. “It was good to speak of old times again with him. But he went off to bed, and so should you!” Her gaze slid once again over the bottle on the table then to the empty glass. Their eyes met.
“You seem to be drinking quite a bit, Richard.” Her voice had grown serious and quiet. “Much more than I ever remember, and I am growing more and more concerned about you, do you know that?” Her brow arched in inquiry as she watched him, waiting for his response. She was never one to be subtle.
“Awww… please do not start in on me again, Aunt,” he groaned. His shoulders hunched forward, and he rested his elbows on his knees, rubbing his neck with his hand. “I am not up to battle form tonight.”
“This is not to be borne, Richard, it really isn’t. You have such a… a heaviness about you at times that it breaks my heart. If there is something bothering you, you should speak to someone. Speak to Darcy. Do you feel ill? Or do you still feel the effects of the battles? Your injuries? Waterloo? Talk to a doctor, perhaps, but find out what troubles you so.”
He stared into the fire for a long time. Although the nightmares and flashbacks had, thankfully, begun to lessen, lightning and thunder always seemed to trigger his memories once again. How could he tell anyone of what he had been through, what he had done, what brutality he had seen these past ten years, battle after battle, mankind’s atrocities to the weaker and more vulnerable? War was nothing but legalized butchery. It was condoned insanity.
The ghosts of the past would sometimes flood back with the dark, so he kept the candles burning. Still, he was haunted with the sounds of men and animals screaming, the smell of blood and gore in his hair and on his hands, the smell of urine and shit and fear, the screams of maniacs in the heat of battle, the soldiers who viciously raped and tortured. His eyes squeezed shut at the memories. The storm outside raged on.
“What are those?” she asked, pointing to a stack of letters strewn across his desk.
“Believe it or not, those are words of sympathy I am still writing to the families of fallen soldiers, telling each and every one how their sons and husbands died valiantly in battle in the service of their country.” His voice sounded lifeless, and his eyes were red-rimmed. “That is finally the last of them, for now.”
“Is there any truth to what you write?” she asked quietly.
He shrugged. “I’ve written hundreds of these letters, thousands perhaps. There is no way to know how even a fraction of them met their ends, but no one wants to think of a loved one dying without honor or dying alone. I just hope it helps someone, somehow.” How could he describe to her the mutilated corpses, stripped naked and robbed, buried in mass graves with no hint of their identities? God, he felt so old tonight.
He was tempted to pour himself another drink but stopped, ashamed for her to see him. She looked different without the wigs and jewels, paint and elegant clothes, older than her fifty-odd years, rather grandmotherly and touchingly concerned. He would pour himself the drink once she left, and then maybe he could get a few hours sleep yet.
He reached over and grabbed her hand. “Thank you, dear Aunt, for your concern, but I shall be fine.” He squeezed her hand and released it, fighting off the depression that could sometimes devastate him. He sensed that she watched him but would not allow himself to look into her eyes.
“Richard,” she said softly. “Richard, look at me, Son.” His eyes finally came up to hers. “Whatever is causing this melancholy, do not try to drown it in drink. It does not work.” Tears began to well in her eyes and blur her vision. “I know that it does not work because I have already tried.” By the end, her voice was a mere whisper.
They stared long and hard at each other. He broke the gaze first, and she could sense that he was closing his feelings, drifting from her once again. Soon his familiar emotional barricades would be up, and he would be joking and teasing to fend off his demons.
She stood, her heart saddened, not knowing what else to do or say. It had become increasingly apparent to Catherine that Richard had lost his place in the world during the wars, weighed down by all the years away, years of sacrifice made for his country, memories and regrets for what he had seen and all the years of normal living he had missed. He could not give up hope for a future now that the wars were over. Well, she simply would not let him. It was time for him to rejoin the living.
“You must somehow find your way home to us, Richard, in both body and soul.” Her voice was gentle but firm, and she looked lovingly down at his bowed head.