indulge
that side of our craving too. It becomes erotic. Nicolae’s need is very strong. I don’t think there’s a cure for me. If we’re together, we aren’t going to be able to resist the lure of that side of our hunger.” She passed a hand over her face. “I couldn’t bear to be his destruction, Mary Ann. I wanted to walk away from him, but it’s too late for that.”
Mary Ann immediately rose to wrap a comforting arm around Destiny’s shoulders. “Have you discussed your fears with Nicolae?”
Destiny touched Mary Ann’s mind, afraid of what she must be thinking of her revelations, but Mary Ann was as centered as always. She accepted the things Destiny told her with her usual equilibrium and was struggling to understand.
“We talked about it. He doesn’t worry about himself; he only thinks about me.” It set her teeth on edge, his total commitment to her. Destiny wasn’t comfortable with devotion. Or love.
“People search their entire lives looking for what you have, Destiny. Don’t be afraid of it.”
Destiny glared at Mary Ann in disgust. “You sound just like Father Mulligan. I ask him a question and he gives me some sort of philosophical Zen answer. What kind of advice is ‘have courage’? What does that mean? Have courage to do what? Isn’t a priest supposed to give spiritual advice? You know, Mary Ann, I’m beginning to think you make it up as you go along, you and Father Mulligan.”
Mary Ann’s eyebrow shot up. “Are we supposed to have the answers? You don’t have the answers—how would we? You can only keep moving ahead, Destiny. You keep your eyes open and with luck you see the pitfalls before you step into them, but you embrace life and live it as best you can.”
“Tell me something, Mary Ann. Do you think your life has been changed, knowing there are such evil creatures in the world as vampires?”
“Of course my life has changed. But am I going to live it in fear? I hope not. I hope I face each day with courage and dignity. You do that. I wouldn’t mind being like you.”
The shock of those words was tremendous, shaking Destiny to the very core of her existence. She found herself gaping at Mary Ann, nearly choking on her protest. Mary Ann was everything Destiny had ever wanted to be. “Are you crazy? I’m a mess.”
Mary Ann patted her arm. “That’s normal, Destiny. We’re all a mess in our minds. Welcome to the world of human reality.”
A faint smile lit Destiny’s eyes. “Well, I guess we didn’t solve the world’s problems, but I sat in a chair and talked for the first time in years without feeling like I couldn’t breathe.” The moment she said the words, her smile faded.
It was you, Nicolae. You are helping me to be able to be inside this structure, conversing with her, aren’t you? I’ve never been able to do this.
There was an impression of warmth surrounding her like strong arms. Destiny leapt out of the chair as if it were a viper threatening to bite her. Her eyes darkened to a brilliant green. “That man is a total jerk! Why did I ever think I might want a relationship with him?” Her hand flew defensively to her throat. She could feel his lips brushing just there over her pulse. At once her skin throbbed and her body burned.
You aren’t helping your silly courtship. I am not a baby to be aided without my consent or knowledge. I don’t want your help, and I don’t need it!
You are just angry because you did not sense my touch. There was smug male amusement in his tone.
I am merely keeping you on your toes. We have something taking place here we do not understand, and we both should be vigilant.
Destiny snarled. “Nicolae is the most annoying man on the face of the earth. Why would I want a smug, arrogant, pain-in-the-butt male creature like him in my life? Answer me that, Mary Ann!”
I am always vigilant!
“Sex.” Mary Ann answered succinctly. “It’s sex, Destiny. He reeks of sex. I take it he’s telepathic.”
“He’s annoying, that’s what he is. “
There is nothing sexy about you. I know you’re all puffed up and smirking but I don’t think you’re the least bit sexy.
I had no idea you were such a little liar, Destiny. You think I’m sexy.
“I do think he’s sexy,” she admitted, wrenching open the door to Mary Ann’s office, “but I don’t like him very much.”
“Destiny,” Mary Ann said quietly, halting her flight. “Everyone needs help now and then.”
Destiny turned her back on Mary Ann, on Nicolae and all relationships. She didn’t want help, she decided as she fled the office. She would work things out her own way. And there was that little nagging question that kept popping up. She kept pushing it down, not wanting to face it, but there were all those little things that she couldn’t ignore forever. Why could he find her at will when he had never taken her blood? And how was he able to be in her mind, actively aiding her, yet she felt no surge of power? No push? Why was she unable or unwilling to fight the compulsion to obey him, even when she knew it was a compulsion.
How powerful are you? There was accusation in her voice rather than admiration. She slammed her mind closed to him and took to the skies. It was the only place she felt absolutely free. She soared through the clouds, reveling in her ability to do so. She didn’t want to know how powerful he was. She didn’t want to think too much about what she had done with him.
Nicolae hadn’t pressured her. She couldn’t even blame him. She had insisted on the words. He would never have made love to her except that she had insisted on that too. The wind rushed at her, cooled her skin and soothed the chaos in her mind. Nicolae. He belonged to her, and she had no idea what to do with him.
It was so easy for the priest to tell her to have courage. He didn’t have nightmare images walking through his mind every waking minute. He didn’t have scars on his body and etched into his soul. He didn’t have poison in his blood that could corrupt and twist something good into evil.
“I am so lost.” She murmured the words aloud, listened to the wind carry them away from her, wishing it could take her pain so easily.
I can take away your pain.
There he was again. Just as if she had summoned him. He was always with her when her world was in turmoil. The wind tore tears from her eyes as she streaked across the sky.
And what must I do in return for you?
There was despair in her heart when she wanted to show him joy. She wanted to be different. She wished she could go to him clean, without distress, without scars. Without the terrible weight and sin of what she was. What she couldn’t change. She hated feeling sorry for herself; she didn’t want his pity.
You exist. You love me. You are beginning to surrender yourself into my keeping. It is enough. He was calm even when he was tearing out her heart.
It wasn’t enough, and they both knew it. Her cry of sorrow echoed across the skies.
Chapter Twelve
Surrender herself into his keeping. Such simple words. He said them with calm, with conviction. Destiny raced across the skies with no idea of where she was heading, only the need to fly high and fast and far.
I never wanted this.
She detested whining. She detested feeling sorry for herself. She really detested being afraid. She hadn’t feared her battles with the undead. If she had died then, it would have ended the suffering, the agonizing problems her tainted blood caused. If she were the victor, the world would be rid of another monster. Now she feared destroying the only person who mattered. The only one who had managed to find his way into her soul. Nicolae.
I want you with all my heart. With every breath in my body.
He was relentless in his pursuit of her. She understood suddenly. He had always hunted her, not for the reasons she had thought, but to satisfy a terrible need and hunger, the same craving she now felt. An addiction that would never stop. She couldn’t find the strength she needed to free them both of this dangerous liaison.