But how could I get that back? Apart from having saved us all, Jeff had another advantage over me, which actually came from the fact that he wasn’t interested in doing what I did. To do my job, you had to wear a mask and hide your feelings, you had to choose carefully what you said and what you kept inside. People could see that, and it made them wonder what it was that you were holding back. But Jeff could just be himself, and no one would ever doubt that what he said was what he really meant. So not only had he saved them all after I’d got them lost, but he’d always seemed easier to know, and gentler, and more genuine than me. Tom’s dick, how could I compete against that?
I couldn’t fight him, that was for sure. I couldn’t push him away. I couldn’t put him down. I couldn’t turn the others against him.
‘I’ll just have to get closer to him,’ I decided. ‘Stop thinking of him as little Jeff and make him my friend. I’ll have to . . .’
But then I made myself stop. It was stupid thinking about this now. Jeff would keep for another waking. There were other things I had to do right now, and I needed to save my strength for them.
I stood up.
‘I need to talk to everyone together now,’ I muttered to myself. ‘Get things sorted so we can eat and sleep.’
The others were sitting by a small stream, many of them still crying, and many still with arms round each other. I went to a rock that stood above them all, next to the stream, and climbed up onto it. Tom’s dick, I was weary weary of having to be John Redlantern. Bad bad things had happened since I stuck my spear between the ribs of fat old Dixon Blueside, and I could have done with a rest. But at the same time I knew this was one of those moments yet again, one of those leopard moments.
Michael’s names, there were so bloody many of them! So many! One after another after another!
‘Hey, everyone, listen up!’
I was scared that they’d take no notice, or even that they’d shout me down: ‘You? Why should we listen to you?’
But that didn’t happen. They might be disappointed in me and some of them might even hate me, but they all did what I asked and went quiet.
‘Well, we got here,’ I said. ‘Maybe not to the other side yet, but to a new place. All of us except poor Suzie. And we would never have made it if it wasn’t for my smart smart cousin Jeff who thought of turning bucks into horses, and came back to find us when — let’s face it — we were lost lost. He got us there. He saved us. So thankyou, Jeff. Thankyou.’
Everyone cheered and yelled and clapped for Jeff. He smiled, and then suddenly laughed like it was all a big joke.
‘And what will save us in the future,’ I said, ‘what will keep us going and keep us moving along, is new ideas, like Jeff had when he decided he could turn bucks into horses.’
They weren’t so keen on that bit, with its hint that we would be moving on again.
‘What will save us in the future, John,’ Mehmet called out, ‘is not going up onto Snowy Dark without knowing what we might meet or where we’re going.’
He looked around, expecting some support, but everyone was silent. That had been a bad bad time up there in Dark, feeling our way along, not knowing whether snow leopards were out there ready to pounce, and I guessed it would probably keep coming back to all of us all our lives, over and over, in our dreams and when we were awake. But it had been too big big a thing to turn so quickly into quarrelling.
Mehmet shrugged, and crossed his arms, and kept quiet.
‘We need to sort out a few things,’ I said, more confidently now, ‘like lookouts, and building shelters, and hunting and making a fire. And we need a funeral for Suzie and that poor baby of hers that never got to be born. It’s sad sad we can’t bury their bodies, but we can still have a funeral. We can still make a pile of stones and write Suzie’s name on a stone.’
‘Yes, but when Earth comes,’ said Suzie’s brother Dave, in a flat flat voice, ‘Suzie’s bones won’t be there to be taken back to Earth, will they?’
‘So she’ll be left alone on Eden forever when everyone else has gone,’ Johnny said, ‘all because of what happened up there. Because of the path you took us on, John.’
‘It did sometimes happen back in Family, didn’t it,’ I said, as gently as I could manage, ‘with leopards and things like that, that there was nothing left for us to cover up with stones? We don’t really know what happens when we’re dead, do we? There are some, aren’t there, who say our shadows always return to Earth when we die, even when our bones stay here in Eden? But we don’t know. And of course what we’d all want, when we die, is for our bones to be kept in a place where Earth could find us. I’m sad sad for Suzie that we couldn’t do that for her.’
Mehmet gave an angry snort.
‘The way we’re going, there’s not much chance that any of us are going to find our way to Earth, dead or alive.’
A sort of sigh went up. Several people murmured in agreement with Mehmet and for a moment I feared again that I’d lost them. But I found I still hadn’t. Dave and Johnny were standing near Mehmet, along with Angie Blueside and Julie and Candy, and their eyes were cold, but yet they were all still watching me, expecting me to carry on, even Mehmet himself. Whatever their private thoughts and feelings, they were all still waiting for me to tell them what was going to happen. That was what my job was, and, though they might not like me for it, they still agreed it was my job.
But I knew that they needed more from me now than just a plan, so I took out Gela’s ring again.
‘Remember that Gela is with us,’ I said. ‘Not with Old Family but with us, with this new little family of ours, which is trying to make the best of dark Eden, just like she did herself. Gela is with us. She’s not with the ones who just sit and wait for sky-boats to take them home. She’s not with the ones that try and prevent anything new from ever happening. She’s with the ones who set out across Dark, not knowing what they’d find. And she is proud proud of you all. You’re the ones doing what she wanted her children to do.’
I looked out at them. I saw Janny frowning, trying to figure out whether she agreed with me. I saw Lucy London, her face all smeary with tears. I saw Tina with her arms folded, waiting to see what trick I was going to play this time.
‘And when sky-boats do come from Earth,’ I said, ‘they’ll come looking for us right across Eden, because they’d expect us to make the best of our time here, and not skulk away our lives in Circle Valley until all the food is gone. After all, Earth folk themselves left even the solid ground behind, and travelled far far further than we’ve done, right across Starry Swirl.’
It was funny. I hadn’t known myself what I was going to say when I started out, and I heard my own argument like it came from someone else. But it persuaded me. Yes, I thought, that really does make sense. It really is what Earth would expect! And I felt relieved relieved, because there was doubt nagging in my own heart too.
But Gela Brooklyn, Tina’s closest friend, questioned what I said, not in an angry way like Mehmet might have done but in a slow and puzzled way, like she was really trying herself to understand.