“I mean, bottom line, I didn’t care about any of that. You were what you were. But whatever you were… I needed you. Rachel needed you. And to just… leave us like that, leave me feeling guilty and betrayed and… alone. That was what hurt, David. That was what screwed me up the most. That was what I couldn’t forget-or forgive. We didn’t get a chance to work it out. I didn’t even get a chance to say goodbye.”
The wind whistled through the barren oaks that dotted the yellow field. A few crows circled overhead, singing their sad songs. “But you were right. It’s time to move on, sugar bear.”
I crouched down and laid a single red rose across his resting place. “Consider yourself forgiven.”
The Bad Man still comes for me, but he comes in my dreams. Daddy says that it isn’t real but it is real I know it is just like I dreamed that Mommy would leave and she did and she never came back and now the Bad Man is dead but he keeps coming for me and I don’t know when he will ever stop.
I saw Susan in the hospital and she looked broken but better and I asked one of the doctors who looked at me like I was a weirdo but he told me she could still have babies and that made me happy.
I don’t miss the Bad Man but I miss being a policeman. I’m glad Susan is getting out of the hospital so I can be a policeman again. Susan is my friend. Everything has been better since she came to see my dad that night and I don’t know if she knows that she makes me happy but she makes me get tingly when she winks at me and has sort of a happiness beam that she shoots out and I feel like I could do more things when she’s around I feel like I could do anything I could focus like my dad tells me to focus focus and I could be of use to people. If Susan wanted me to.
It’s lonely here without my dad. I used to dream about being alone and not having my dad scowling and being disappointed in me all the time but now that he is gone it isn’t nearly as nice as I thought it was going to be.
I was feeling fairly buoyant when I hobbled into the hearing. And devastated when I left. Like what little I had left had been ripped away from me. As if I had nothing, nothing at all.
Never being one to display much decorum, much less sense, I confronted him in his hospital room.
“You did this to me, didn’t you?”
O’Bannon sat up. “What are you talking about?”
“I had my hearing today. With IA. For reinstatement.”
“How did it go?”
“I thought it went brilliantly. They complimented me on my work on the Edgar case. Talked about the pleasure they got from the fact that all those FBI dudes went home empty-handed while one of theirs made the collar. Talked about my impressive courage and resilience. How I seemed to be conquering my personal demons. I thought I had it made in the shade.”
“And?”
I punched his pillow. “And then they pulled out the report you filed. You blackballed me, you son of a bitch.”
“Hardly that. I just said-”
“You knew they wouldn’t reinstate me against your wishes. Your recommendation was critical!”
“Susan, listen to me.”
“Why should I, you bastard? I did your dirty work for you! I caught your killer. I even-I even-what he did to me-” I broke down. Just lost it.
O’Bannon intervened. “Susan, stop.”
“Why should I?” I screamed. “I wanted my job back! Don’t you understand-it’s all I have left!”
He looked at me with tired, cheerless eyes. “You’re not ready, Susan.”
“Who the hell are you to judge?”
“You know it as well as I do. If I reinstate you, that means you carry a gun. That means maybe a partner depends on you for their life. Are you ready for that kind of responsibility?”
“I caught Edgar!”
“You’re an alcoholic, Susan. We both know it. I think you’re trying to pull yourself out of that gutter, but how can I know whether you’ll make it? You’re a brilliant behaviorist, but until I’m certain you’re one hundred percent, I will not put another officer’s life in your hands.”
I fell back in my chair, feeling all the pain, the hurt, the futility wash over me. “What can I do?”
“You can go back to those IOP meetings, for starters. Join AA. Get a sponsor. Read the Big Book. Work the steps.”
“I’m not the talky-feely type.”
“You’ll force yourself. You’ll get better. And when your doctor tells me you’re solid, I’ll put you back on the team. In the meantime, your consultation contract continues. Believe me, I can find plenty for you to do. You won’t be bored.”
He fiddled with the controls on his hospital bed, raising himself. “And now that we’ve got that out of the way, would you mind dropping by the house to check on Darcy? He called the front desk-he’s having some kind of problem. He’s been all by himself since I went into the hospital. He’s a good kid, but-you know how he is. He needs someone looking out for him. And God knows there’s no one he likes better than you.”
“Oh, that’s not-”
“Don’t kid a kidder, Susan. He adores you. I’m his old man, sure, but I know the score. I love him, but he’s wary of me. Too much discipline-or attempted discipline, anyway. Too many mistakes. Too many unresolved issues. And I’m laid up. So would you run by and see what’s going on? He probably just needs someone to hold his hand for a minute. Would you do that?”
“If I say yes, will you reinstate me?”
“Hell, no. But I’d consider it a personal favor. I think your daddy would, too.”
Bastard would play any card in his deck, wouldn’t he? “Fine, I’ll go. But you can stuff your damn consulting contract.”
“Are you sure? Why?”
“After I see Darcy, I’m blowing town.”
I rang the bell and Darcy came to the door almost immediately. His eyes were like balloons. His hands were flapping. He ran around in circles, screaming, barely coherent, even worse than when I’d taken him to that sex club. “Fire! Fire!”
I raced inside. The kitchen was indeed on fire, flames shooting out from the microwave oven. Looked like he’d been reheating some Pizza Hut chicken wings, but he’d left the food in the box with the foil wrapping. Darcy ran circles around the kitchen table, screaming, running his fingers through his hair. He collided into the wall. He fell backward against the table and hit his head.
I grabbed him and held him in place. “Darcy, where is the fire extinguisher?”