To tell you the truth, I wasn’t that concerned about my earlobe or my toes. I tossed them into the trash. No big deal, really. It hadn’t hurt, there was no bleeding and I didn’t even have a limp. But I admit I was surprised by the suddenness of their departure. But so what, right? A couple toes? An earlobe? Big deal.
So, I took the vacation. I had nothing in mind but to sit around the house and relax, do nothing. Watch TV. Watch movies on the VCR. Read. Sleep. Relax.
Then I got broad-sided by that memory, that. thing.
I put it out of my head, went out of the house and browsed through a video store and picked up half a dozen movies to watch. The video store was in a mall and, to pass the time, I decided to do some window-shopping.
It was outside a store called Art 2 Go that the next memory hit me. In the window, I saw a painting of a little boy who looked so innocent. and yet, there was something in his eyes that seemed so adult, so grown up and mature, and so very, very haunting.
My mind suddenly filled with the memory of my father holding me down on his lap and I remember the hard, throbbing thing beneath me.
My left hand dropped to the floor.
I stared at it as if it were an ice cream cone dropped by a child.
A fat woman with red-dyed hair began to scream. She screamed loud and pointed at the hand and dropped her brown paper bag.
I swung the plastic bag of videos under my left arm, picked up the hand, and hurried away, hoping no one else had noticed. The woman’s screams faded behind me.
I took it home with me, that hand, and put it on the coffee table, staring at it as I sat on the sofa. Suddenly, I didn’t want to watch any of the videos I’d got.
But I put one in anyway, just for the noise. I sat on the sofa, mostly staring at my hand on the coffee table. Occasionally, I looked up at the movie. At one point, I saw a screaming little child being chased down a hallway by a man whose big hands reached out like mitts to clutch the child’s hair and—
— I suddenly remembered the time my father had done the same to me. The memory had come from nowhere, slamming into my face like a slab of concrete;
My right arm disconnected itself from my body and slid out of my shirt sleeve, falling to the floor with a thunk.
The child on television screamed, and was dragged backwards to the bedroom.
My eyes widened until they were bulging.
My left arm plunked to the floor.
I began to cry uncontrollably. I couldn’t help myself. The tears flowed and my body — what was left of it — quaked with sobs.
My father had done that very thing to me. He had done many other things to me, things that pranced around at the edge of my memory. I wanted to remember them, to bring them up…and yet, I did not, because they were horrible, far too horrible to hold up before my mind’s eye for inspection.
I looked at the coffee table and saw my hand. I thought of my earlobe and toes. I looked down at the floor and saw my pale, disembodied arms.
And suddenly, I felt sick.
I rushed, armless, to the bathroom and vomited for a while, then hurried into the bedroom, assuming I had little time left.
In the bedroom, I had an electric typewriter set up on a small table. I managed to place a piece of paper firmly in the carriage with my mouth, then lean down and use my mouth to reel the paper in. Then, I began to type this with my nose. It has taken a long time.
But in that time, my mind has been working frantically with the memories that have been conjured up like bloated corpses from the bottom of a bog. In fact, just a few minutes ago, I remembered my father saying to me once, ‘Just pretend it’s a popsicle, that’s all. just a popsicle…suck on it like it’s a popsicle.’ And then my right leg, from the knee down, slid out of my pantleg like a snake and thunked to the bedroom floor.
I’ve been trying not to think about it, trying to concentrate on what I’m doing, typing this as fast as I can with my nose, to tell whoever finds me what happened.
But another memory comes to mind, this one far worse than all the others, more painful and more horrible and
Ray Garton’s most recent novel, Shackled, is his fourteenth book. His other novels include Seductions, Crucifax Autumn, The New Neighbor, Lot Lizards and the movie novelizations Invaders from Mars and Warlock. Live Girls, first published in 1987, will be reissued in a limited hardcover edition from Cemetery Dance Publications; the new printing will include a CD of music inspired by the novel, composed and performed by Scott Vlad Licina, plus sound effects and snatches of dialogue. The same publisher has recently issued Garton’s latest novel, Biofire, with a mass-market paperback due early next year. His short fiction is collected in Methods of Madness and Pieces of Hate. ‘I saw a woman on a daytime talk show — I think it was The Jerry Springer Show — who claimed to have been molested as a child, but she had buried the memory for years,’ reveals the author. ‘It had suddenly returned to her as an adult in the form of nightmares and vivid flashbacks. She said repeatedly that as her memories became more coherent, she began to “break down”, to “fall apart”, and to “go to pieces”. But everyone she knew, especially her immediate family, thought she was crazy. I wondered how her friends and family would have felt — and how she would have felt — if those memories had made her “go to pieces” literally. A little later, I wrote “Pieces” and put that thought to work.’
Aunt Libby’s Grave
MELANIE TEM
Libby glided from the sitting-room to the bedroom. She sat in both, slept in both and on the dusty floor of the roughly pentagonal central hall off which they and three other rooms opened like petals. No matter how unclear the functions of things were, it was important to have names for them.
She crept from the bedroom to the study. Papa brought her books and she did indeed study them, her mind’s alchemy transforming the information into her mind’s own thing.
She sped from the study to the nursery, which was empty, which had in it pale lovely light and motes of dust like old lace. It was not really a nursery; she only called it that to gather in one place her desolation and resolve. Another room might gather tedium, or joy.
Pulling her pink sweater more tightly around her, she sang so they would hear her — in the rest of the house, moving behind walls; in the wide world, drifting from window to window; in days gone by and days to come.
Aunt Maureen was poised to tell a story — the story which Cecelia guessed now, too late, was the reason they’d come to the cemetery. Cecelia didn’t want to hear it. She had a strong sense of danger, a physical feeling of dread.
But she liked her Aunt Maureen. She’d always liked her, and now that her mother had died, taking with her any hope that they could be close or that Cecelia would ever be brave enough to ask her why they weren’t, her desire for Aunt Maureen to like her had intensified into a childish yearning.
That was why she’d taken the long train ride from Denver to Detroit to visit — hoping for guidance, maybe; hoping for approval, or just for contact. That was why she’d not had to feign interest in the news of Aunt Maureen and Uncle Everett’s grown children, her cousins whom she knew little and liked less, although it had been necessary to conceal her jealousy as their mother talked fondly, worriedly, proudly, knowingly about them. It was why she’d found herself worrying at odd moments about whether she was carrying on a conversation sufficiently polite, about how the things she told of her life were sounding to Aunt Maureen, about whether there was cat hair on her clothes since assuredly no fur-bearing animal had ever set foot in Aunt Maureen’s house.