Jayné:
I suppose it’s a failure of nerve leaving like this. I hope you can forgive me. I’ve struggled with this more than you know.
I had dreamed of the day when I could come back to the life I left behind. Now that the obstacles that held me apart from Aubrey and Denver are gone, I find that there are more reasons to stay away than I had realized.
I care for Aubrey very deeply, but as I look back at the manner in which he and I fell away from each other, I can’t in all honesty say I’m sure it would be different now. I know that if I stayed, if I saw him, I would be tempted to try. The rational part of my mind says that would be a mistake. And so I’m taking the coward’s way out.
Tell him that I wish him well. Tell him that I blame him for nothing, and that I forgive him as I hope he will forgive me.
Take care of yourself.
Kim hadn’t signed the note, but she had signed the divorce papers that went with it. She’d left them in my care, to do with as I saw fit. At first it had seemed like a gesture of trust and intimacy, and for weeks I’d put off telling Aubrey about them because I needed to decide what I thought and felt and wanted. Then after that, I hadn’t told him because I would have had to explain why I hadn’t told him earlier. Now, a thick Gulf breeze stirring the sheer curtains, my laptop fan whirring quietly to itself, the Vieux Carré outside leading its subversive, rich, wild tourist honey trap, her decision seemed monstrous. Why was this my business? Why did I have to be the one to decide whether Aubrey and Kim could learn to love each other again? It wasn’t fair to pull me in this way. It wasn’t right.
And anyway, if I did give him the papers, what would he do?
Kim had known all that. She’d apologized. And, honest to God, she wasn’t the one I was angry with. I promised myself that if Aubrey came back, I would tell him everything. I caught myself.
When. When Aubrey came back.
I took a shower, watched the talking heads on Fox News yell at each other, and waited for time to pass. Every five minutes, I reached for the phone to call Chogyi Jake and ask for a report. Every time, I restrained myself and tried to pull my attention back to something small and innocuous. Aubrey would be fine. It wasn’t my fault he’d been taken. Just because he would never have been there except for me…
I picked up the phone and called Chogyi Jake.
He answered on the third ring.
“Jayné. I hoped you’d be asleep.”
“Short on Ambien,” I said. “What’s the word?”
“I’m on my way back to the hotel now,” he said. “It went… well enough.”
“Okay,” I said. “You need to explain that comment.”
I could hear the smile in his voice when he spoke.
“Aubrey is himself again. But Marinette was very strong, and there was some violence. Ex doesn’t need stitches, but he will need at least a day or two of rest. I suspect Aubrey will too. They’re both asleep now. The house isn’t fully warded.”
“And we don’t know where the kid is,” I said. “And the bad guys have the little girl who sees through time or whatever. We’re not in the best position. Check. But Aubrey’s back?”
There was a hesitation, but it might only have been Chogyi Jake changing lanes.
“Yes,” he said. “Aubrey’s back.”
“Okay,” I said and the knot in my chest loosened. “Okay. I might be able to sleep after all.”
“Try,” Chogyi Jake said. “I’ll stop by your room in the morning.”
I looked at the bedside clock: 3:41.
“Not early,” I said.
“Not early,” he agreed. I dropped the connection and fell back into bed. I felt like shouting. By any rational, objective standard, we’d gotten our asses handed to us. Right then, it still felt like victory.
I closed my eyes for a second, and when I opened them, there was sunlight shining through the window and a Vietnamese maid apologizing in a voice that suggested it was my own fault for not putting up the DO NOT DISTURB sign. The lady had a point. I made some apologies of my own, which were much more sincere, hung the appropriate sign on the door, and made coffee. Until I saw the manila envelope where it had slipped to the floor in the night, I’d forgotten my little vow to the universe.
Aubrey was back. It was time.
Instantly, I came up with several excellent reasons not to. He’d just been through an ordeal; adding to it would upset him. There wasn’t anything pressing about the divorce; I’d had the papers for months now, so what difference would a few more days make? Chogyi Jake was going to come and meet me, and it made more sense to wait until I had the straight skinny on the night’s events.
I told myself that it made more sense to wait. Until it was easier. Until he was ready or I was ready or some cosmic alignment made everything easy. Until the mythical perfect time that never quite seemed to be today.
I looked into the coffee cup, as if it might have an opinion. The French press left a bright layer of oil on top of the darkness that seemed lush and decadent, but not particularly eloquent.
“Just go,” I said. “Put it in your pack, and go to his room. If he’s too blasted, you can chicken out then.”
I still didn’t move.
And then I did.
Aubrey’s room was a floor down from mine, and I took the stairs rather than waiting on the elevator. My knock seemed intrusive and loud. I was already regretting having come. He was probably asleep. I was probably waking him up. I sucked. No sound came from the other side of the door, and I shifted from side to side wanting to knock again and also not wanting to.
The door opened an inch, Aubrey’s bloodshot eye made an appearance, then the door closed again and I heard the security bar they use in place of a chain being fumbled aside. When the door opened again, it opened wide.
Aubrey leaned against the doorframe. His bathrobe was the white hotel terry-cloth from his shoulders to his knees, then more familiar soft gray sweatpants under that. His sandy hair stood at a hundred different angles, and the whites of his eyes were full-on pink.
“Hey,” he said. His voice was hoarse and careful. “Hell of a night, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah. Not strictly according to plan,” I said. “Look, if you’re crashed out…”
“No, no. Come in. I was just staring at the ceiling waiting for my brain to start working again.”
I walked in slowly, my heart in my mouth.
His room was a little smaller than mine, the view out the window a little worse. It was still pretty nice, though. His laptop was on the desk, the screensaver scrolling a quote from Voltaire about not believing in absurdities. I tried not to take it as an omen.
Aubrey sat at the head of the bed, stuffing a pillow behind the small of his back and groaning. I perched at the foot, my leather pack stowed discreetly on the floor. We were silent for a few awkward seconds.
“So,” I said. “How are you doing?”
“Honestly?” Aubrey said. “I don’t know. I feel… I don’t know how I feel. I keep surprising myself. One minute, I’m thinking, Ah hell, that wasn’t too bad, and the next my heart’s racing and I’m sweating like a pig. Ex said it’d be like this for a while. Didn’t say how long, though. Seems kind of stupid, really. I mean, it’s over. It feels like it should be over when it’s over. You know?”
“Intellectually,” I said. “But I think Ex is right. It was a bad night. You have to respect that.”
He shook his head and leaned forward, the bed creaking under him.
“I’ve never had one of them inside me,” he said. “All the time I worked with Eric, I saw maybe a dozen people all told. Some of them had things in them. Some of them had been kicked out of their bodies.”