The verdict was Accidental Death.
It was over. She had gone forever. A blank and empty future lay before me.
What now? I asked myself. What shall I do? I did not know and I did not greatly care. All I could think of was: she has gone forever.
A few days passed. They were bleak, meaningless. I was too numbed still to take in the situation and to realize fully the drastic change in my life.
Charlie and Robert were a wonderful help. I saw them every day. I felt they were both trying to impress on me that they were my friends and were going to look after me.
Dolly was quite desolate, and it was not only because Countess Maud would have to come off, since it was no good without Desiree. Lisa was quite ill. She stayed in her room and seemed to want to be alone.
I learned of my financial position. My mother had earned a considerable amount of money when she was working, but she had spent lavishly and the life of even a successful actress had its unproductive periods. She had lived up to her income and, when debts were paid, there would be just a little for me. Invested wisely, it would bring in a small income, enough perhaps for me to live modestly. The house was mine, but I should not be able to keep a houseful of servants.
My first thoughts were for the Crimps. They, with Jane and Carrie, had been part of my life. Matty had been making plans to leave, because, as she had said, I should not much longer be needing a governess.
Then Robert said he would buy the house from me. He needed a place in London. He had for some time been tired of staying in hotels. He would keep the servants and, of course, I must consider it my home for as long as I wanted to.
I said: “You do not really want the house, Robert. You’re just buying it because you know how worried we all are here.”
“No, no,” he insisted. “I do need a place. Why should I seek … when it is here? It is … her house. I feel it is what she would want. She talked much of you. She asked me to look after you … if ever there was a need. You understand?”
I did. He had loved her. He was doing this for her.
There was the question of Lisa.
“She should not be disturbed,” he said. “She is much upset. She was very grateful to Desiree. She grieves much. No, she must stay … if that is her wish. We will not disturb her.”
Mrs. Crimp said she had always known that Monsewer Robber was all right and, even though he was a foreigner, he was quite the gentleman. She and Mr. Crimp would look after him. They could not hide their relief that their future was safe.
Then there was Martha. She had already spoken to Lottie Langdon, who had always wanted her and had even on one or two occasions tried to lure her away from Desiree.
“I couldn’t stay here,” she said. “Too many memories. We’d been together too long. But now she’s gone and it’s no good wanting her back because she’s not coming. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I know what she’d say if she were here, God bless her. ‘Be sensible, Martha. I’ve gone and you’re still here. You’ve got to go on. It was good while it lasted, but it’s over now. You’re valued in the profession and you know Lottie Langdon always wanted you. She always said you were the best.’ That’s what she would have said. Charlie will look after you. She always said Charlie came first. He was the most reliable, in spite of that old dragon he married. Robert will keep this place going … for her sake … and it will always be a home for you. I don’t know anyone who was loved as she was. And she deserved it, that she did. I can’t stay here. It’s best for me to get away … and be quick about it. As for you, Noelle, you ought to do the same … even if it’s only for a little while. If there’s anything I can do … But I think Charlie wants to talk to you.”
She was right. Later that day, Charlie came to me and said: “I want to talk to you seriously, Noelle.”
When we were in the drawing room, he said: “Your mother and I were, as you know, very great friends.”
“I know that.”
“For many years the friendship persisted. I knew her as well as anyone. I loved her deeply, Noelle.”
I nodded.
“My dear, dear child, you were always first with her. She was a wonderful woman … unorthodox, yes … not always acting in a manner acceptable to society … but what is that beside a warm and loving, caring heart?” He paused, too filled with emotion to go on.
I waited, sharing his feelings.
“She asked me to look after you,” he continued. “She said: ‘If I were to go and Noelle needed someone, I’d like it to be you, Charlie.’ That is what she said. And it is not only because of that. I’m very fond of you, Noelle.”
“You have been wonderful to me, Charlie, always … you and Robert.”
“There are too many memories here, Noelle. I’ve been talking to Martha. We agree, you ought to get away. It’s very necessary. It’s all too close here. I know you will never forget her, but you have to try.”
“It wouldn’t be any good. I shall never forget her.”
“All grief, however deep, is softened by time. I want you to come to Leverson Manor. I want to have you there … under my care.”
I stared at him in amazement.
“But … I have never been there … neither I … nor my mother. It was … apart. We always knew that. Your wife would not want me there.”
“/ want you and it is my home. I promised Desiree that I would look after you. More than anything, I am determined to keep my promise to her.”
“You can’t do this, Charlie. Our two families have always been kept apart.”
“It’s different now. I am going to take you to Leverson. You must come. Think about it.”
I did think about it. It seemed incredible. To go there … after all these years. It was impossible. But Charlie was determined.
For a short period I was thinking of something other than the loss of my mother. To leave this house of memories … I thought with sudden pleasure, I shall see Roderick. See him often … learn about the estate and some of those exciting remains which had been found on it. For the first time since I had seen my mother lying dead on the floor of her room, I had thought of something else, and the curtain of gloom and melancholy had lifted a little.
Charlie went home that day—I supposed to prepare his family for my possible arrival. I could not believe that the formidable Lady Constance would ever allow me to enter her home. But it was Charlie’s home, too, and I had seen how determined he could be. He had been devoted to my mother, and that devotion was now directed towards me. I considered the prospect of seeing more of Roderick, and I felt that I was being propelled into agreeing to accept what might be an extremely embarrassing situation. I had to think of my future. I must take Martha’s example. She was unsentimental, full of common sense, and she had said, rightly, that when a situation became unbearable, the sooner one moved away from it, the better.
I should have a small income. Thanks to Robert’s bounty, I should have a roof over my head. What did women in my position do? Of slender means, fairly well educated: well, there were only two paths open to them. They became governesses or ladies’ companions. I could not see myself as either. Governesses usually came from highly respectable backgrounds—very often from vicarages; ladies who found themselves faced with the necessity to earn a living. The daughter of a famous musical comedy actress would scarcely fit in.
So … I needed to think of Charlie’s proposition.
It was, after all, what my mother had wanted, and she had sought the best for me. I needed time to think. On the other hand, it was desperately important that I draw myself out of this maze of misery in which I was caught.