Christobel came back with more bedclothes. She put them over me, then stood for a few moments looking at me. There was an expression of regret and deep affection on her face.
I said: "Good night, Christobel."
"Good night," she said and went out.
I felt bewildered and deeply shocked, and I did not know what I should do.
I thought: Maggie will have to know. I shall tell her in the morning.
I felt very weak the next morning; I had scarcely slept through the night, and my cough, which often troubled me, was now worse.
I was very anxious to talk to Maggie. But not when Kate was around. I decided that I would stay in my room and Maggie and I would talk there at the first opportunity.
Kate came in to see me, a look of concern on her face.
"Oh, Mama, you are not so well this morning."
She came and kissed me, and I held her close to me. I was thinking: She has been deceiving me, my own Kate. I would never have thought it of her. But she was young and Christobel, who had great influence with her, would have convinced her that there was no harm in what she did.
"Shall I sit with you. Mama? Shall I read to you?"
"No," I said. "I shall sleep a little. Then I will feel better. Perhaps Maggie will come and sit with me. You must get to your lessons."
It was not long before Maggie came up. She looked anxious.
"You overdid it yesterday," she said. "It's too soon to walk so far. You should take it slowly. Now, what's wrong?"
"Maggie," I said, "I must talk to you. I have made an alarming discovery."
I told her what had happened.
She listened incredulously.
"Christobel," she murmured.
"She has been his spy. Oh, Maggie, what are we going to do?"
Maggie was silent. Then a faint smile spread across her face.
"I was wrong," she said. "I thought he would have his way and shrug his shoulders at the consequences. But he really cares about our girl. He really cares."
"You find that amusing?"
"I find it revealing."
"We must ask Christobel to go."
"That would be a pity. She's excellent for Kate."
"But to take her visiting him ... secretly ... behind our backs."
"He is her father, Sarah."
"But he forfeited all rights to her when he cheated me ..."
"Did he forfeit his rights? I am not sure. He may well have saved Kate's life at Whitehall Stairs, and now he is giving her a good education ... equipping her for the world."
"Maggie ... you are defending him!"
"In truth, I am thinking of what is best for Kate."
"She is being brought up to be deceitful."
"Sometimes a little deceit makes life run more easily."
"Maggie!"
"I'm trying to look at this sensibly. I'm thinking of what he can give her ... what he can do for her. We have to consider Kate. That is more important than your hurt pride. Already his interest in her may have saved her life. Christobel has given her a great deal. We could not have educated her in the same way. Lord Rosslyn could do a great deal for his daughter."
"But ..."
"Forget your grievances, Sarah. Let us think of Kate."
"You don't seem very shocked about his sly way of actually paying for a governess and then arranging these clandestine meetings."
"No, I think it is just enterprising and I am relieved ... considerably so. Sarah, I'll be frank. I'm thinking of Kate's future. What could we give her? Consider that. Whereas he ..."
"He would not acknowledge her as his daughter. He is married. He has his family."
"He still seems to have some regard for her, and he has gone to a great deal of trouble over her. Listen to me, Sarah. I am getting old. What could I do for Kate? You have not been in good health for some time. What is going to happen to Kate in the years to come? No, I welcome this. He cares for her. He keeps an eye on her. Kate needs that. Who knows? She may need help desperately. This is not an easy world, Sarah, for the poor. I could not bear that Kate should not have a chance to lead a happy life."
I was staring at her in horror. I noticed afresh those lines that pain had etched on her face. She was referring not only to herself, but to my long and lingering weakness and the fact that I had not been fit to take a part for some months now.
I thought of Kate ... left alone in the world.
Maggie was right. If he had not really cared for her—and he must, for this was more than a whim—he would not have gone to such trouble. If we were unable to look after Kate, what then? To think of him in the background was suddenly a comforting thought after all.
We were both silent for a few moments.
Then I said: "What of Christobel? Can we keep her after this?"
"What if we sent her away? How would we explain it to Kate? Kate loves her. They are the greatest of friends. Think what Christobel has done for her. She is making Kate into a young lady who will be at ease in any society. Is that not worth a little ... er ... loss of pride? Jack Adair is her father. There is no denying that. Why should he not take an interest in her? Why should he not contribute to her needs? Look at it from a practical point of view. There is such a thing as cutting off one's nose to spite one's face."
"You mean, we let everything stay as it is? Do nothing?"
Maggie nodded slowly. "It is always a good plan when in doubt."
So Christobel remained. And there was a tacit agreement between us that everything should go on as before.
And I had to admit to a certain relief. I had been secretly worried about Kate's future if anything should happen to Maggie or myself.
I had another bout of illness soon after that. I coughed a great deal, which weakened me considerably.
I had not been out for some time and the prospect of working seemed very remote. The winter was harsh and I could only promise myself that with the coming of spring my health would improve.
Nothing more had been said to Christobel and it seemed to be taken for granted that Maggie and I accepted the situation and that, since Jack was paying for Kate's education, he had a right to see her now and then and to take an interest in her welfare.
I guessed that he was very well aware of my frail health. He would know, of course, that I had not played on the stage for many months. He might even be amused at the manner in which we had accepted the situation which he had thrust upon us because we were wise enough to see that there was no help for it.
So the new year was with us. I longed for the cold, dark days to pass. I kept telling myself that I would feel better in the spring. But it was a harsh January and I suffered another spell of ill health.
I recovered in time, but was still very weak and spent most of the time in bed in my room. Maggie, with Martha and Jane, cosseted me a great deal. Kate would spend a great deal of time reading to me. She used to read plays to me by Dry den, Shakespeare, Beaumont and Fletcher. I would listen and we would play the parts together. Kate delivered the lines beautifully but I did not think she was eager for a career on the stage. I was rather glad of that. I was thinking a great deal about her future. Maggie and I often talked of it. As yet, she was only ten years old.
"A great deal can happen in one year," said Maggie, "let alone five or six." And there was a faint anxiety in her voice.
As the winter progressed, I believed I knew that I was never going to be strong enough to act again. My cough persisted. My weakness lingered too long. I would sit at the window of my bedroom and look down on the cobbles below. I heard the cries of the street traders and the sound of the carriages rolling by on the way to the theater. I was no longer part of it. I thought often of the days when I had first come here and how exciting I had found it all. I often dreamed of those days when I was happiest of all and when Jack had taken me from that house in Knights-bridge to his lodgings.