A loud crash came from the front of the house. She froze, but eventually tiptoed back through the master bedroom, wiping the tears from her face, trying to get her breathing under control in case one of her companions was coming to check on her. Carefully, she drew the door inward only an inch or two. Through the gap, a tirade of cursing came from the living room—Danny laying into Matt. She bent her head through door, looking down the hallway toward the commotion. Her breaths continued to flutter—her nerves still worked up. I’ll let that go. She closed the door and flipped the lock. Get it together, damn it!
Pressing her back to the wall, she absorbed the room, every detail, picturing those that lived here before—the dad at the bed folding laundry—the wife toweling herself dry after a hot shower, about to drape herself in the seductive nightgown—then, one of the kids pounding on the door, trying to escape the other from down the hall. Family… A concept that had forever changed. Evolved into something different, but just as important as before. To her, those details mattered. They calmed her, refreshed her memories, taking her back to life before Almawt. She knew it wasn’t real, but the idea, the hope that someday what she imagined could once again become commonplace, drove her to continue. Someday everything will be better. The tears stopped. Her breathing steadied. You’re right. It will. You got this.
Jenny dropped the blinds and pulled the curtains to the bedroom windows. It darkened the room considerably, making sleep that much more enticing. But before dragging herself into bed, she made sure to grab the candle from the bathroom. Its small flame flickered against her face as she lay there, tossing. The outburst from Danny and Matt had dulled to a low grumble but remained loud enough to keep her from sleep. Come on! I thought Danny was tired. This is ridiculous.
Unable to sleep, she stacked the pillows against the headboard and shifted into a seated position. “This sucks,” she groaned. Looking for anything to occupy her time, she pulled open the drawer to the nightstand. A few books neatly arranged inside. She sorted through them a bit, finding one that piqued her interest—a diary. Should I? Well, you are already laying in their bed. And, they do say people who write diaries secretly want them read anyways. She broke the locked clasp to the book and flipped toward the back.
December 19, 2014
The Christmas party was amazing, and the kids really seemed to have a good time at their Nana’s. I’m not sure what she does with them, but they always come home worn out. It makes it so much easier putting them to bed after a long night of schmoozing with Tony’s co-workers. And yes, his creepy boss, too.
Of course, Tony was employee of the year again. He always is. Those speeches he gives are getting better, and at least this year he remembered to mention me and the kids. That pissed me off so much last year. I nearly didn’t speak to him for a week. But anyways, the bonus will help wrap up the Christmas shopping, and the kids will once again get more than they need.
I’m really proud of Tony, but at some point, I’m afraid it’s going to wear off. I gave up work to take care of the kids. Don’t get me wrong. I love them, but they’re getting older and don’t take up nearly the time they used to. I’m ready for more. It’s time for Tony to hold up his end of the deal, but he’s so wrapped up in his work. I get it, we need his job, but there’s more to life.
He keeps telling me we’re going to have another one. I don’t think I believe him anymore. First, it was my birthday, now it’s New Year’s, and we start trying again for our little girl. We’ve agreed I’ll come off the pill then. I’m thinking about doing it now. Our little secret, okay?
She skipped a few entries.
December 24, 2014
The kids are so excited about Christmas morning. All the presents are out. Tony nearly went hoarse yelling at the boys, because they kept trying to peak at their gifts. It’s so funny sometimes to see him get flustered over the smallest things. We decided it was best to put the kids to bed, so he wouldn’t have a heart attack.
I’m pretty sure they’re asleep now, so while I lay here, I can tell Tony is getting ready for something special tonight. He only shaves before bed when he’s going to try and put the moves on thick. He knows I want a baby. He wouldn’t have to try so hard if I was getting what I want out of it too. Not that I don’t like the sex, but… I don’t want to seem that way. I’m getting older, and I don’t want to think that my chance—
Jenny flipped a few pages further into the diary.
January 2, 2015
I could kill him. Seriously, I don’t know why the hell he thinks he can just keep getting away with this. Now, he’s saying once the kids are out of school for the summer. No, that’s not going to do it. I stopped taking the minipill yesterday. They say some women can get pregnant pretty quick after stopping. If it happens, I’ll just tell him it’s some kind of miracle. I can’t keep waiting. At some point, it’s not going to work anymore. I can’t let that happen. My wants aren’t going to take a backseat to his career anymore. I stay at home with the kids. If I want another one, then by God I’m going to get another one.
Jenny set the book down on her lap and looked at the framed photos on the nightstand. Oh, the secrets we keep from each other. This is getting good.
January 22, 2015
Things have actually been going better with Tony. It doesn’t take a genius to know why though. He’s been getting sex. And a lot of it. Pretty much as often as he wants. I still have to deny it every once and a while, or he’d get suspicious. Still, he’s smiling a lot more. It’s crazy how just a little sex will improve the relationship so much. He seems to be warming up to the idea of having another little one. I’ve backed off a bit on pressing him about when. I know, I know, why pester him when I’ve made the decision already? Baby, here I come.
February 4, 2015
Still no period, so I’m thinking good thoughts. I have to admit though, I hate having to sneak the pregnancy tests. I feel like an ashamed teenager hiding from my mom and dad. Honestly though, I probably don’t even need to. I could leave it out on the counter, and he wouldn’t notice it or even know what it is. Tony’s so oblivious sometimes. He’s back wrapped up in his work. I knew it wouldn’t last. Even with all my efforts…
I just don’t understand him sometimes. He loves the kids. Loves them to death. Why wouldn’t he want another baby? Who wouldn’t want another baby, right? I can just see his face now. He’d be shocked at first, but his face would quickly bring about that smile I love so much. The idea of a little girl to help soften him up a bit. Bringing another baby into this world is so exciting. She’s going to be perfect. This world is going to be so perfect for her.
I can’t get my hopes up though. I tend to do that with stuff I want. The test today was negative. I’ll try again in a few days. I bought several boxes, but I hope I don’t have to go through all of them. Hopefully, it happens quick. I’m sure Tony and the kids won’t find them. Tony never goes in the kids’ room, and our boys can’t reach them.