‘So,’ Barrett Doran asserted, ‘everything to play for after the break! See you in a couple of minutes, when once again it’ll be time to see. . if the cap fits!’
Barrett Doran left the set immediately the END OF PART ONE caption came up. Charlie Hook came forward to tell the audience what a lovely time they were having and what lovely people they were and how lovely the second part of the show was going to be. And weren’t the panellists lovely? And the contestants. Lovely, really, lovely.
Then Jim Trace-Smith came on to the set. The Producer, Charlie Hook explained to the audience, needed some ‘cutaway shots’. These were just reactions from some of the participants, which might have to be cut in later and would make editing the show a lot easier. Jim Trace-Smith only needed to do reaction shots with the two eliminated contestants; he’d do any others he needed at the end of the recording of Part Two. So the two failed candidates were hauled back on to the set, made to stand in fixed positions and asked to go through a variety of facial reactions — delight, annoyance, excitement, frustration, despair. Neither of them had much aptitude for it; they lacked the professional performer’s ability to switch expressions at will; so the recording process took longer than it should have done.
But at last all was set for the restart. A Make-up girl flashed in with a final puff of powder for the face of Tim Dyer, on whom the pressure was showing in the form of sweat. The designer, Sylvian de Beaune, leapt on to the set for one last check of the position of the blue lectern. A Floor Manager escorted Barrett Doran back from his dressing room or wherever he had been. Charlie Hook gave the audience one last reminder that they were lovely, the clock was again started and the jingle and caption for PART TWO appeared.
Round Three was a simple General Knowledge round, though it was dressed up in a way that conformed with the hat theme of the rest of the show. The lovely Nikki and the lovely Linzi, still in their inevitable bikinis, entered carrying a large red-and-blue-striped box with a small opening at the top. Each of the surviving contestants had to reach into this box and pull out a hat. The hat dictated the subject on which they would be questioned. Once they knew the subject they were entitled to choose the celebrity guest who they thought best qualified to help them answer questions on that subject. They had five questions each. An incorrect answer gave the other player a chance at the question. Each question was worth?40, offering?200 for five correct answers (or, in the unlikely event of one contestant getting all five wrong and the other getting them all right,?400 for ten correct answers).
Trish Osborne pulled out a nurse’s hat. This meant her questions would be on Medicine. Which of the celebrities, Barrett Doran asked, did she think would be best qualified to help her on that subject? Nick Jeffries volunteered his services, saying that he had always fancied nurses. Bob Garston said he’d got a badge for First Aid when he’d been in the Boy Scouts. It was all very riotous. Trish Osborne shrewdly chose to be helped by Joanie Bruton.
Tim Dyer’s lengthy scrabbling in the box produced an opera hat. Nobody knew instinctively what subject this suggested, and Barrett Doran had to explain that it was the sort of hat worn by a first-nighter, so it meant Tim would be answering questions on the Theatre. So who was he going to have helping him? Well, it didn’t seem too difficult to come up with an answer to that, did it. . when they actually had an actress on the panel? Tim Dyer chose to be helped by Bob Garston.
‘Right, so, Trish and Joanie, we start with you. And here’s your first question: Which part of your body would be affected if you were suffering from galucoma? Glaucoma.’
Joanie whispered to Trish.
‘Your eye.’
‘Yes, that’s right. Glaucoma is a disease of the eye. Well done. Forty pounds to add to your growing total, Trish. Over to Tim and Bob, and your questions, remember, are on the Theatre. Here’s your first one: Who was the first actor ever to be knighted? The first actor ever to be knighted?’
A hurried consultation was followed by the answer, ‘Henry Irving’.
‘Henry Irving, good. Yes, that is the correct answer. Henry Irving became Sir Henry Irving in 1895. Well done. Back to the lovely ladies. .’
It was nip and tuck all the way. Joanie and Trish missed out on their third question: How do you spell psittacosis? but Bob and Tim couldn’t do it either, so the scores remained level. The men couldn’t get the answer to their third either. They didn’t know which actress once played Hamlet with a wooden leg. Trish, prompted by Joanie, identified Sarah Bernhardt. One ahead.
The ‘lovely ladies’ couldn’t answer their fourth; nor could the men. But the men got their own fourth answer right, so, with one question each to go, the scores were once again level.
‘Right, ladies. Your last question,’ said Barrett portentously, ‘who was the Roman God of Healing and Medicine?’
Trish Osborne looked totally blank. Joanie Bruton’s pretty little brow wrinkled as she tried to dredge up some distant memory.
‘Have to hurry you. Who was the Roman God of Healing and Medicine?’
Joanie whispered to her partner.
‘Was it Hippocrates?’ asked Trish tentatively.
‘No, I’m sorry, it wasn’t. The correct answer was Aesculapius. Aesculapius was the Roman God of Healing and Medicine.’
A spasm of annoyance crossed Joanie Bruton’s face. She recognised the right answer and felt cross with herself for not having said it.
‘So it’s over to the gentlemen, for a question which could win for you, Tim, not only a nice lot of money to add to what you’ve already collected, but also a champagne weekend in Amsterdam to add to your video-recorder and camera. Not only that, if you get this question right, you will also take part in our Hats In The Ring! finale, with a chance to win this evening’s Super-Duper Star Prize — the Austin Metro!’
The audience exhaled a long sigh of gratified materialism.
‘So here is your last question on the subject of Theatre:
From which of Shakespeare’s plays does the following famous line come — “Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more!”?’
Tim Dyer looked as if he knew, but, cautiously, he double-checked with Bob Garston. They both seemed to be in agreement.
‘Henry V.’
‘. . is the right answer!’ screamed Barrett Doran. The audience erupted into applause, through which another jingle played.
‘Oh well done, Tim. Well done, Tim and Bob. But, ladies and gentlemen, a round of applause for our gallant loser. Thanks to Joanie Bruton, who nearly got her to the final, but not quite — and a big hand for Trish Osborne! Many thanks for playing the game, Trish. Have you had a good time?’
‘Yes, thank you, Barrett, it’s been really smashing.’
‘That’s great. That’s what we like to hear. And, of course, Trish isn’t going to go back to Billericay empty-handed. No, she takes with her?470 and don’t let’s forget. . ’ He cued the audience to join in with him. ‘. . her If The Cap Fits cap!’
Again the red, blue and silver creation appeared on the screen, as Trish Osborne was led off into the darkness.
Tim Dyer was looking very pleased with himself. All was going according to plan. He had won everything he intended so far. Only the Austin Metro remained. Quietly confident, he prayed again to his own specialised God.
‘Now, for the big Hats In The Ring finale. Tim, will you come over here.’ Barrett led the final contestant on to a little platform in the middle of the red spinning-wheel. ‘Now on to this wheel, as you see, a variety of hats are fixed.’ He pressed a button and the hats sprang into view. ‘Let’s see, what have we got — an admiral’s hat, a fez, a busby, a bishop’s mitre. . Now each of these hats has a price marked on it, and that is the amount of extra money that Tim is going to win if that is the hat which, after the wheel has been spun, comes to rest above his head! So, you see, he gets?200 for the mitre,?500 for the busby, and so on. .