V
I was standing before the river, by the marsh, listening to the night. I thought I saw rings in the water. All my being brought the girl to life, brought her to me, her hair pulled high, and when she was almost at my side, it fell loose, down her back. She drew nearer and melted into me as if she and I were fog. She stepped back and took me by the arm with two strong, tiny hands, and we began to walk, we headed toward the water; as we approached it, the river withdrew, farther and farther away, as we walked. I had never walked with anyone like that. My wife and I would stroll hand in hand, or I would put my arm on her shoulder, or she would hold me by the waist, and it was something children did. But the girl from the water stood very close to me, held my arm with both of her hands and laughed. I couldn’t see her face. She didn’t have a face, but she laughed. We walked like that for a long time, toward the dead water at the head of the dry, sandy trail that lay before us. Motionless canes forming a fan-like vault sprouted on both sides of the narrow path, and soon the girl and I would walk through them, unable to see sky or mountain, only leaves. She dropped my arm and stood in front of me, I in front of her. Lips at the level of lips, eyes at the level of eyes, hearts troubled, but it was as if only separation existed, as if the two could never meet. I could feel her bird-breath beseeching tenderness. At that moment I stepped back from the unknown, and my voice, not addressing anyone, whispered very softly, don’t wish for this.
I reached the marsh. At the edge the mud flower grew, a lone flower born without green leaves. There were patches of them. From the damp sprouted a new-green stem, topped by a bud. The bud grew large, the green streaked with the color of crimson dust. One day I had curled up, waiting for the flower to blossom. It made a clicking sound when it opened and the flower released the leaves. I plucked it, and bitter, viscous water spurted from the stem. If you touched it and rubbed your fingers over your lips, you got sores. All of a sudden, I realized what I desired: sorrow. The stones scattered in the mud were like sorrow, patches of sorrow. I turned back. I don’t know how long I wandered about during those nights. The clay figures were dead, destroyed. I was searching for a bond, but I didn’t know what I was searching for or where to look. Now I know, now that my life has come full circle, like a glass ball on the verge of shattering. I waited for dawn to examine myself in the water. With my hand over my mouth, the water reflected grief-filled eyes. The sky was wide, the earth wide, the village small. I clutched a rock, and as if the hand were someone else’s, I struck my forehead. My eyes filled with tears, although I had no wish to cry, and I saw everything as if I were under water, but now salty drops filled my eyes. I raised my arm and gazed at my hand; it wasn’t the hand I wished. I made my way to the blacksmith’s to see his son. He was lying down, touching himself, and I pretended I didn’t see him. To avoid seeing him, I thought about hands: my child’s, Senyor’s, the hands of the old man who had given me the drink. I looked at mine, and the hand didn’t belong to anyone, not to me, or the water, or life, or death. The same as me. My hand, like me.
I had to stop at the slaughterhouse. I was ill and paused by the wall to gaze into the distance. Clouds were coming from the direction of Pedres Altes. I glanced up. Looking at the slowly approaching clouds made me dizzy. I turned round, my face to the wall, and banged my forehead against it. I felt like vomiting, but didn’t. The stench of dead horse rose from the wall, blending with the night air, attempting to restore past things to life, things that could no longer be, things that wished to live again for a moment but could not. I started walking toward my house, afraid I wouldn’t make it. The door was ajar, and I could see a bit of starlight in the courtyard at the end. That’s when they beat me. The voice of the person beating me was telling me to stop wandering at night: if I continued to roam about at night, they would kill me. The words carried the stench of dead horse and the memory of swimming under the village. As the river hurled me along, the breath of that thing that had approached me, causing me to release my grip on the root, bore the stench of dead horse, but I hadn’t recognize it that day because it was accompanied by the smell of water and moss. It was the same malodor from the shadow that had pursued me at Font de la Jonquilla, the same breath. The blacksmith struck me, again and again, until I turned round and knocked him to the floor. He grabbed my legs, trying to pull me down, but there was a door behind me and I let myself fall against it. When he stood up I kicked him, heard him groan. He must have rolled away because I couldn’t find him. Again, he threw himself on me and knocked me senseless.
I woke up feeling I was being watched. I ached all over, like that night by the river while the village went up in flames. They were looking at me. My wife was kneeling in front of me, very close, looking into my eyes, as I had looked into my father’s that afternoon in the courtyard. She moved away when I stirred. Seated with my back to the wall, I bent forward, as if I were searching for a link with life, but the feelings that bound me were like blighted grass, and I leaned back against the wall. When my wife left, I stood up not knowing what to do. I opened the white wooden box that had blackened over the years; inside it lay the old rope and awl. I leaned over, gazing for a long time at the rope and awl, until finally my knees began to hurt. Then I picked up the rope, wrapped it round my wrist three times, and with my free hand followed the rope to the end. But I discovered nothing.