“Whoops,” whispered Clive Everard. “Page the oracle.”
“The problem’s as good as solved.”
“Perhaps,” Deidre began hesitantly, “we could cover the blade with Scotch tape. I’m sure it wouldn’t show from the front.”
There was a pause, then a deep sigh from Harold. “At last.” He nodded, a wry, reproachful nod. “I was wondering who would be the first to think of that. Got some here, I trust, Deidre?”
“Oh, yes …” She took the razor from David’s tray, holding it carefully by the handle, and bore it off to her table. There she tipped her carrier bag onto its side. The tape rolled out, closely followed by a grudgingly provided bottle of milk. She saved the milk just in time, sat down beneath the anglepoise lamp, picked up the tape, and started scratching at it to find the ends. Then she cut off a strip and laid it lengthwise against the cutting edge. It was too short (she should have measured before she started) as well as being too narrow to wrap over the steel completely. She hesitated, wondering if it was necessary to take the first piece off before trying again, and decided she wouldn’t dare come so close to that gleaming steel. Even at the thought, her hands started to sweat. She felt all hot and bothered, as if everyone was watching her, then glanced up and discovered she was right.
“Shan’t be a sec,” she called cheerily. The tail of the tape had vanished, and she started scratching again. “More haste, less speed.”
“I always find,” Rosa returned the call, “that folding the end bit over every time is a great help.”
“Oh, what a good idea,” Deidre ground out, “I must remember that.” Holding the razor firmly, she attached the tape to the handle end and wound the reel round and round, up and down the blade until it was well and truly covered. Then she cut off the tape. The result was dreadful. Very uneven and bumpy, with half a dozen thicknesses in one place and two or three in others, all of which would be clearly visible from the stalls in that intimate theater. Oh, God, thought Deidre, what on earth am I going to do? The thought of trying to remove the tape again terrified her. Even supposing she could find the tag end.
“What’s the problem, Deidre?” David Smy put his valet’s tray down and pulled up one of the little gold chairs.
“It’s all gone wrong.” Deidre blinked hard behind her lenses thick as bottle glass. “I had a terrible job getting it on. Now, I’m frightened to try and take it off in case I cut myself.”
“Let’s have a look.”
“Be careful.” Deidre handed the razor over.
“Got some scissors? No … smaller than those.’’ When Deidre shook her head, David produced a Victorinox Swiss army knife and eased out a tiny pair of clippers. Deidre watched his brown fingers tipped with clean, short nails, which had dazzlingly white half-moons. He handled things so precisely, almost gracefully, and without any floundering or wasted movements. Snip, snip, and the tape was off. Deidre unrolled more. David measured the blade against it, cut off two lengths, and, with Deidre holding the handle, folded them very carefully over the length of the blade, first one side, then the other. Then he ran the razor hard down the prompt copy. It fell apart. “That should do it.”
“David. You mustn’t say that. Not even in fun. We’ll have to put some more on.”
“If you insist.” His slow smile was reassuring. “I was only pulling your leg.”
“I should hope so.” After a few moments she smiled rather nervously in return. David recovered the blade, and this time produced no more than a faint indentation when he pressed the page.
“Come on, Deidre—chop-chop. We could all have cut our throats ten times over by now.”
“Sorry, Harold.”
“You go when you’re ready,” said David. “You don’t want to let that lot run you about. Load of wankers.” Then he added hastily, “Pardon my French.”
“Oh, if it’s French,” Deidre murmured apologetically, “it’s right over my head, I’m afraid. Well … let’s see how this goes down.” She handed the razor to Esslyn, who received it warily. “You could try it out on your thumb first.”
“I shall certainly try it out on someone’s thumb,” Esslyn replied crisply, handing it straight back. Obligingly Deidre illustrated its newly rendered bitelessness. Esslyn said, “Hm,” and sawed tentatively, then more firmly, back and forth across his knuckles. “Seems okay. Right … Harold?”
Esslyn waited until everyone’s attention was on him, then stood, center stage, in a martyr’s pose, hands across his breast, eyes on a glorious horizon, looking for all the world, as Tim said later, like Edith Cavell in drag. He spoke loudly, in a doom-laden voice: .. and in the depth of your downcastness you can pray to me … And I will forgive you. Vi saluto!” Then, throwing his head back and holding the razor in his right hand, he drew it quickly across his throat. One sweeping dramatic movement from ear to ear. There was a terrible silence, then someone murmured, “My God.”
“Works, does it?”
“You could practically see the blood,” squawked Don Everard.
“They’ll be carrying people out.”
Esslyn smirked. He liked the idea of people being carried out. Harold swung around, letting his satisfied smile embrace them all. “I knew that would work,” he said, “as soon as I thought of it.”
“I really believe that’s the secret of our success,” chipped in Nicholas, “an ideas man at the helm.”
“Well, of course that’s not for me to say,” demurred Harold, who never stopped saying it.
“Wasn’t it Deidre,” David Smy said loudly, “who thought of it?”
“David,” whispered Deidre across the table, “don’t. It doesn’t matter.”
“It was Deidre,” said Harold, “Who vocalized it. I thought of it weeks ago, when the production was in the planning stage. She simply caught my idea on the ether, as it were, and vocalized it. Now, if the stage management have stopped showing off, we really must get on …”
But the rehearsal was further delayed by Kitty, who, whitefaced, was now clinging to her husband, her arms around his waist, her head buried in his chest… it looked so real…” she mewed, ‘‘I was fwightened …”
‘‘There, there, kitten.” Esslyn patted her as if soothing a fretful animal. ‘‘There’s absolutely nothing to be frightened about. I’m quite safe. As you can see.” He let loose a smug, apologetic look over her head.
Now if she could act like that, thought Nicholas, when she’s onstage with me, I’d be a happy man. He glanced across at Kitty’s lover to see how he was reacting to this little display, but David was continuing his conversation with Deidre and affecting not to notice. Nicholas observed the rest of the company. Most were looking indifferent, one or two embarrassed, Boris ironical, Harold impatient. The Venticelli, to Nicholas’s surprise, appeared jealous. He was sure this was not romantic resentment. In spite of their affectations and flouncings and toadily awful obsequiousness, Nicholas did not believe they were sexually interested in Esslyn. In fact, they both struck him as almost asexual. Dry and detached and probably more interested in making mischief than in making love. No, Nicholas guessed they were simply peeved that the object of their sycophancy was being so crass and ungrateful as to show public affection for another.
Then, eyes traveling on, Nicholas received a shock. Sitting a little behind the others and surely believing herself to be unobserved, Rosa was staring at Esslyn and his wife. Her face showed pure hatred. Not a muscle moved, and the emotion was so concentrated, so extreme, that she might have been wearing a mask. Then she noticed Nicholas’s gaze, dropped her rancorous eyes, and immediately became herself again. So much so that by the time, half an hour later, she made her usual flurried departure (trailing her scarf, dropping her script, whirling her Madame Ranevskaya coat about, and crying “Night-night, my angels”), he was almost convinced that he had imagined it.