When the night arrived, Billy told his mother he was having a drink with an old schoolfriend who had heard about a job. It was only a month or two since he had returned from his holiday in Europe with Raymond, and he was still living at home. He hadn’t yet decided what course his life should take. He knew he needed to earn money, though. His mother had to work hard to make ends meet — she was employed as a pharmacist, in Boots — and he wanted to be able to give her something for his keep.
The band appeared on stage at nine o’clock. There were five men, all middle-aged, all white, but Billy couldn’t see anyone who looked like his father, and his stomach felt hot, as if he might be about to vomit. The music had already been going on for several minutes when a man holding a saxophone emerged from the wings. Of course, Billy thought. Sextet. The man didn’t so much as glance at the people who had come to see him; he simply lifted a hand in their direction. He was wearing a suit made of shiny silver material, with a black shirt underneath, and his dark hair was slicked back. Billy recognised him from a photo his grandma had shown him once, and also because if he narrowed his eyes he seemed to be looking at a taller, rangier version of Charlie. He felt sick again, but in a different way.
Standing against the wall, Billy fixed his gaze on the man in the silver suit. He didn’t listen to the music, though he was aware of it as the hectic backdrop to his thoughts, which were halting and stilted. He noticed how the man launched into solos with his eyes closed, as if frightened of whatever was in front of him, and then, when the solo finished and he took the instrument from his mouth, his eyes opened again, and even though he was being applauded, the expression on his face was glowering, almost hostile, as if people couldn’t possibly appreciate what he’d just played — or perhaps his resentment was aimed at the music itself, at his attempt to master it and his inevitable failure. Billy tried to see himself in the man — a feature, a gesture — but there was nothing obvious. At the same time, he knew he was looking at his father. He felt it somewhere deep down, a sharp tug in his guts.
At the end of the first set, the musicians put aside their instruments and occupied two tables near the stage. Cigarettes were handed round. A bottle of Johnny Walker appeared, and drinks were poured. There were two women sitting with his father. One wore a red cardigan that was cut low at the front, and her arm rested carelessly on his left shoulder. Even from across the room Billy could see her breasts lift when she breathed in. The other woman was dressed entirely in black.
Swallowing hard, he walked over to their table. He didn’t say anything at first. He couldn’t. His mouth felt numb, clumsy. The woman in black glanced up at him, but her face didn’t change. She had arching eyebrows and dark wavy hair, and her teeth were as small and fragile as rice crispies. He cleared his throat.
“Mr. Tyler?”
The name had never sounded so foreign to him — sour somehow, and thin, like lemon juice — and yet, in his everyday life, he used it all the time.
His father’s face came up slowly, lazily, and he was slanting his eyes against the smoke from his own cigarette.
“What can I do for you, kid?”
“Nothing,” Billy said. “I enjoyed the music, that’s all.”
“Thanks.”
Billy held his hand out over the table. His father laid his cigarette on the edge of the ashtray, in a smooth groove, and they shook hands.
Father and son, Billy thought. Flesh and blood.
As he was turning away, he imagined he saw a glimmer of recognition in the look Glenn Tyler gave him. Up to that moment, Tyler had been playing the big man, casual, amused, not paying too much attention, but now his eyes seemed to tighten. No, it wasn’t recognition exactly. More like uncertainty or wariness. Or even, maybe, curiosity.
“Hey, kid,” his father said.
Was it the handshake that had affected him? Had he felt a vibration, a charge — a kind of resonance? Or was it Billy’s face? Something visual he couldn’t quite put his finger on. An echo of Maureen, the woman he had married and then abandoned…
Billy acted as if he hadn’t heard. He was making for the door that led out to the street. He had seen all he wanted to.
“Hey!”
Billy kept on walking.
Outside, the rain was coming down in great blown sheets. A filthy night. Lowering his head, he began to run, like someone guilty of wrongdoing.
After half a mile he slowed to a walk and turned into a cobbled alleyway. He was soaking wet, and panting; his throat burned. Cardboard boxes had been stacked against a wall of blackened brick. The back of a warehouse, by the look of it. Near by were several tall metal bins. The rain whitened as it dropped through the glare of a security light. Replaying the past couple of hours, he saw himself staring gormlessly at his father up on stage. He saw himself approach the table with the bland, blurred look of an idiot.
Hey, kid.
He went over to the closest bin and kicked it as viciously as he could. It toppled, then rolled into the middle of the alley. Rubbish spilled on to the cobble-stones. A bottle smashed. Not satisfied yet, not even remotely satisfied, he kicked another bin, but this one must have weighed more because it didn’t move at all. Pain flared in his right foot, and he bent down, clutching the toe of his shoe. “Fuck,” he said. “Shit.” Rain dripped down into his eyes. He picked up a piece of glass, pushed his coat-sleeve back and drew the makeshift blade across the outside of his forearm. It was like a magic trick, blood conjured out of nothing.
He caught the last train out of Lime Street. From Runcorn station, it was a twenty-minute walk, most of it uphill. The rain had stopped, but the pain in his foot was worse, and by the time he neared his house he was limping badly.
His mother was still awake when he got in. She looked up from the book that she was reading, and the soft, delighted look she usually greeted him with was quickly replaced by one of alarm as she noticed the blood on his sleeve.
“What happened to you?” she said.
“I got in a fight,” he said. “Someone came for me with a bottle.”
“Oh, Billy…”
He pushed his shirtsleeve back and showed her.
“That’s a nasty cut,” she said.
“It was my fault. I said something I shouldn’t have.”
“Why on earth—”
“It won’t happen again, Mum. I promise.”
She sat at the kitchen table, and he stood beside her, at her shoulder, as she swabbed the wound with iodine. It stung so much that it brought tears to his eyes. Different tears from the ones he’d imagined.
“You really ought to have stitches,” his mother said.
Billy told her it would be fine. “You’ve done a grand job,” he said, and leaning down, he gave her a kiss on the top of her head.
“What about your friend?” she said. “Did you see him?”
“Yes. There wasn’t any work, though.” He winced as he shifted his weight from one leg to the other. “I think I’ve hurt my foot.”
Their GP told him that he had broken three toes. He would tape them together, he said. Time would do the rest. “Just don’t kick any more cars,” he added, peering at Billy over the rims of his spectacles.
Billy grinned. “It was a dustbin, actually.”
He showed his damaged foot to Charlie when he came home for Christmas the following week. Charlie explained that the only important toe on your foot was the big one. If you lost your big toe, you wouldn’t be able to walk, he said. You might not even be able to stand up.
“So I broke something that doesn’t matter?” Billy said.