When I fall asleep, he doesn’t visit me in my dreams despite my calls. Instead, I’m tortured by the memory of the crash. The memory of losing my sister.
I thought I was broken before, but now I feel as if I am breaking all over again. Piece by piece, another shard crumbles away from me. I’m haunted by the jarring realization that this is what it feels like to be well and truly alone.
Chapter ten
Letum
She thinks that I left her.
I could never leave her.
She thinks that I discarded her from my life.
I would sooner walk myself into the afterlife than do that.
Every night for the past three weeks, I sit at the foot of her bed and watch her tears seep into her pillow. She clutches it to her chest as her heart spills onto the floor, flooding the night with her sorrows. It is the most vicious battle, sitting and watching. I have to stop myself from pulling the pillow away and be the one that she clutches onto so her tears can soak into my soul.
My undead heart splinters every time I see her. My beautiful night monster’s eyes are filled with pain and longing, no longer the empty void that she disappeared into.
It’s too much to watch her wither the way she is, but I know it’s necessary. She needs to overcome this for the both of us to know she accepts me fully and completely. Her eyes need to open and she needs to remember. It is the only way for us to move forward.
I want to be enough for her in every way. I will be. She will want for nothing and live an eternity by my side. My Lilith will never be alone again because we will be by each other's side forever. My perfect other. My night monster.
Unable to stand by and see her in misery, I continue to write to her. Promising I will never leave her, reminding her of her strength and her beauty. She hasn’t noticed her kitchen cupboards haven’t emptied, even though she hasn’t gone to the store in three weeks. Nor has she noticed she hasn’t needed to clean her apartment once.
I told myself I would leave her alone to heal, but I am a weak man.
She does not truly understand the magnitude of her hold on me. She weakens every single part of me and makes me want to be something other than just death.
Lilith takes a deep breath, slumped over the steering wheel as she lets a lone tear roll. She has shed at least a single tear at work every day for the past three days. Lilith may be my greatest weakness, but her tears will be what kills Death itself. I always have to stop myself from wiping it away, to kiss her senseless until she forgets about the future, past and present. Until all she can think about is me.
I want my storm to be more than just clouds. I want her to be lightning that splits trees. She will be the thunder that follows too, shaking houses and making children scream in their beds. She is named after the Mother of Demons; she will do nothing short of prosper.
Lilith wipes the lone tear from her cheek and sits up straighter in her seat. She juts her chin out as if she’s pretending that she hadn’t just cried.
My lily is starting to bloom. It’s the most wondrous sight.
The engine rumbles to life, and I watch from the passenger seat as she pulls out of her work car park and heads in the opposite direction of home.
“Where are you going, my night monster?” I say, even though she won’t hear.
Buildings peter out and change into pine trees and untamed bushes. Minutes fly past as we head further away from the city, until she slows down and makes a turn for the cemetery.
Oh. The little flower has come to say her goodbyes.
She turns the ignition off but doesn’t step out of the car, just stares ahead like she’s questioning her decision. I ghost a caress over her cheek in a vain attempt to will her to do what she needs to do.
I will wait a lifetime for her. That does not mean that I am against claiming her sooner rather than later.
My midnight storm twists the ring I gave her and tugs at the necklace like she’s making sure it’s still there. I cannot discern what she feels when she looks at it; whether she sees it as a strength or a weakness.
The car groans as she pushes the door open and marches toward the graves hidden behind the line of trees. Since she woke up from her coma, she has not stepped foot in Millyard Cemetery. She never said her goodbyes to her sister or visited her parents’ grave. When Evan died, she refused to follow the hearse to his final resting place.
Lilith holds her head up as she steps over fallen leaves, sniffling softly, she makes her way over to the three headstones. She ignores the wet grass and falls onto the ground between her mother and sister. I lower myself down onto the ground in front of her.
Birds chirp on surrounding headstones, filling the silence. Her lips twist like she’s trying to find the right words.
“Hey,” she whispers. Silence hangs in the air as a thousand words string behind her eyes. “It’s been a while.” She huffs out a laugh as she stares at the ground and shakes her head. “It’s not like I’ve been busy, I’ve—” she looks up and blinks back tears “—I’ve just been going through a lot.”
The earth around vibrates, and stoic silence blankets the cemetery. The gates to the afterlife have opened to let the spirits beyond hear her.
“Your family is here, my love. Say as much or as little as you want.”
She crosses her legs, unaware that she’s gathered an audience. “I’m sorry I didn’t visit sooner.” Giving up the fight, she lets the tears stream freely down her face as she picks at the skin around her nails. “There’s no valid excuse I could give you. And I’m so sorry. I know you wouldn’t be disappointed in me. It just—” she chokes on a sob. “It hurts so fucking much.”
“Since I woke up in the hospital, I haven’t let myself feel the pain of your loss. I’ve mourned it. Grieved it. But I never felt it. And now that I do, I can’t breathe.” Her entire body shakes. It just shatters me. I need to hold her, I need her to know that I’m right here and she isn’t doing this alone. But this is one of the reasons I’ve had to stand back. She has to do this alone. “I can’t fucking breathe knowing you’re gone. You’re never coming back. And I hate it.”
She wipes her tears with the back of her hand and leans her forehead against Dahlia’s tombstone. “I miss you so fucking much and I haven’t been complete without you. I tried to get back to you. I really did. I tried so hard, Dahl. Even though I knew that isn’t what you wanted. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye. You kept showing up at the edge of my vision. And I know that it’s because you need to say goodbye just as much as I do.” Tears stream into her mouth but she doesn’t wipe them away. “I didn’t want to accept that you were gone forever. I knew you weren’t alive, but I was chasing this dream that we would be reunited, and that was the only way I’d get my happily ever after. But the truth is, it’s not the ending that I need.”
My flower isn’t just blooming, she’s blossoming. Immense pride and joy cuts at my sadness. We’ll be together soon.
“You, mom, and dad would want me to live. But I can’t just do that. I can’t just live and move on and forget about you. I’m sorry, but I just can’t.” She shakes her head. “Instead, for you, I’ll survive.” Lilith rakes her fingers through her hair and huffs out an exhausted breath. “I’ll survive in my own way. I’ll grow, I don’t know how just yet. But I will, I promise you.”
I eye her curiously as she tugs off the golden ring. She stares at it for a long moment until her tears dry up and the sun is about to set. The faintest smile paints her lips. I want to capture the sparkle in her eye and place it where the sun should be.