She comes when my mouth attaches to her other breast, and I follow closely behind. Dropping on top of her to catch my breath, I stand and head straight for the shower. I turn the light on and look at myself. My lip is swollen like I’ve been punched, hard. Blood is all over my mouth. My stomach has scratch marks and is covered with traces of blood. She has imprinted herself on me, and not in a way I thought she would have.
As soon as I finish I wrap a towel around my waist and head for the bedroom. When I get there, she’s gone. I turn on the light in the walk in closet and see all her things are missing.
She’s gone.
I run to the front door, hoping to catch sight of her one last time. But I don’t, she’s done. Disappeared without a goodbye.
If you do not love me I shall not be loved if I do not love you I shall not love.
~Samuel Beckett~
I’m back in New York, working and making my father proud. ‘Cause that’s what a good daughter is meant to do, right? The day I left Zeke, I left a piece of me there with him. One I can’t get back, one I don’t think I will ever get back. He was never good for me, not someone I could have had a happy ever after with, I know this now. I just didn’t want to believe it. He hasn’t tried to contact me, hasn’t attempted to see me though he’d have a difficult time doing so. He never knew much about me, didn’t care to learn. I never gave him any information willingly. He would’ve run from me or possibly killed me if he knew who I really was.
I didn’t tell anyone I was leaving, I literally packed a bag and went straight to the airport. Ember tried calling me a week after I left, I left her a message to tell her I’d moved back home, and I’d call her when I could. She gave up waiting for me to call and has now started calling me.
“Do I need to kick some serious ass?” Ember asks into the phone sounding serious. I want to laugh, but I can’t.
“No, I left him, Ember.”
“Oh!” Is her reaction. “Why?” she asks sounding curious.
“It was going nowhere, I had to do it for my own sanity.”
“I’m here for you, you know that right?” she asks and I nod my head and tell her goodbye.
****
I know I’ve talked about my relationship with Tragger before and the reasons I left, but what you don’t know was that I was engaged to him. There was no love, no lust. He was a family friend, someone I worked with. I didn’t feel a connection with him or anything like the feelings I had with Zeke. God, just thinking about him makes my heart hurt.
Zeke had this way of capturing your attention, holding it and consuming it. I’ve only met one person that hasn’t been as captivated by him as I was, and that was Aria. But she’s not one to be blinded, she’s different.
Tragger’s gorgeous. Totally good looking, but for me, there wasn’t much there. He’s a bad boy as well, just not in the same league as Zeke. Complete opposites, Zeke is dangerous and manipulative, Tragger is good, but a player. He’s covered in tattoos and piercings. Something I thought I was attracted to, until Zeke.
I’m meeting Tragger at a local coffee shop. He rang me when he heard I was back and wanted to meet up. I told him I didn’t want anything more. He claimed he understood and just wanted to see me. So I agreed.
As I walk in I see him, he’s hard to miss. He’s as large as Zeke, probably even larger. Girls seem to stare at him, either in awe or perhaps they’re scared, I’m not sure which. He sees me and smiles, his lip ring inching up. He’s dressed in jeans and a baseball cap, his white shirt clinging to his toned body. I wish I felt for him what he feels for me, my heart might have been safe with him. Not abused and used like it was with Zeke.
“Bexley.” He draws me in for a hug and I let him for a second before pulling back. He indicates for us to sit. He takes my hand and holds it in his across the table, his gorgeous green eyes pulling me in.
“You just left,” he says, wondering why.
“I had to. I needed some time away, some me time,” I say trying to pull my hand away, but he doesn’t let go.
“We were worried, Bexley. Me, your father, work. You scared us,” he says trying to make me feel guilty. I’ve known Tragger forever, his family is friends with mine, and we were raised together, even took up the same work as one another.
“I’m back now,” I say with a forced smile. He moves his seat closer to me, putting less distance between us.
“You are, will you try again?” he asks and I raise my eyebrow. “With me,” he says, and I have to think of a nice way to say no. I can’t say yes. I don’t love him that way. I love Zeke, even though I wish I didn’t.
“Bexley!” My name is shouted from behind me. I turn ignoring Tragger and see Aria of all people standing there. I look at her and smile, her eyes go behind me where Tragger is sitting and they change. She looks at our hands, and her head drops to the side in question. I go to shake my head to tell her no when I see who she’s with…Zeke.
His eyes aren’t on me; they’re on Tragger and his hand. His eyes speak multiple levels of violence – kill, looks to be one of them, which is weird, he isn’t usually possessive. So his reaction has me surprised and makes me slip my hand from Tragger and drop it into my lap. Aria walks in, but Zeke stays at the door, his eyes going from me to Tragger.
“I’ve missed you, skank,” Aria says leaning in and kissing my cheek. I smile and her eyes go behind me, glued to Tragger.
“Sorry, life’s been busy,” I say, not knowing what else to say.
“Hey, don’t apologize to me. I’m fine with you growing a backbone and leaving,” she says winking at me.
“I’m Tragger.” Tragger steps forward and holds his hand out for Aria, to which she looks him up and down and turns to me and smiles. Dismissing him.
“Hey, why don’t you go out and say hello while I talk to your friend,” she says pointing to Zeke, who looks like he’s guarding the front door. I shake my head no, but I look to Tragger and see his attention is solely on Aria. Hypnotized by her.
My steps are languid. I can’t look at him. But I feel his eyes on me. I stop at the door and he opens it, allowing me to walk through. He follows, and we both stop out the front, without an audience.
My eyes go back inside to where Aria and Tragger are sitting. A smirk taking up his face as he watches her.
“Who’s the guy, Bexley?” Zeke asks, pulling my attention back to him. His eyes are hard, gray with anger, not lust. I think.
“A friend,” I whisper.
“Who is he to you, Bexley?” he asks stepping closer, his smell encasing me.
“My ex-fiancé,” I barely whisper, but he hears me, I know he does. Then he’s on me, his body trapping me to the side of the building.
“You want him? You want to fuck him as you do me?” He breathes in my ear, nipping it as he does.
“No,” I say, wishing I had the will power to tell him differently.
“Come to me tonight. Let me show you what you walked out on,” he says kissing me now, then sucking. Marking me. I shake my head no, and he stops then grabs my hand and pulls me along while he briskly walks, my legs trying to catch up to him and falling in the process. He catches me just before I hit the floor and picks me up. When I look up I’m cradled in his arms. I notice we’re out the front of a hotel, a hotel he’s now walking us into.
Love is the magician that pulls man out of his own hat.
~Ben Hecht~