Later on, we'll find out whether Bobby and Suki can afford that new testicle for Tommy on today's moving episode of My Mother, the Biosurgeon, and Cyke Steele, the self-help expert from Guns and Killing magazine will be explaining the ins and outs of the new napalm laws on our consumer advice show, Staying Alive. But first, tune in to reality with luscious Lola Stechkin, bringing you The Brunchtime Bulletin from the comfort of her Jacuzzi…
"Hi, America! It's January 10th, 1999, and this is Lola, inviting you into the water. Here it is, folks, all the news you can handle…
"Washington, DC. President North hosted a dinner yesterday for all the surviving holders of his office. Former presidents Richard Nixon, Barry Goldwater, Spiro Agnew and Charlton Heston were in attendance. Sadly, the affair was cut short halfway through Frank Sinatra's rendition of 'You Did It Your Way' when Ex-Presidents Nixon and Heston got into an unspecified altercation that led to a short circuit in Mr Nixon's brain pacemaker. The Ex-President was not a GenTech consumer, and his malfunction is the latest in a series of blows to the reputation of the Thalamus Corp, manufacturers of the product. Mr Nixon, although clinically dead, is described as 'comfortable' by his doctors, who will attempt to resurrect him with new cerebro implants before he perishes…
"Salt Lake City, Deseret, formerly Salt Lake City, Utah. Elder Nguyen Seth, the Josephite leader who has defied the experts by reclaiming the formerly abandoned city from the wilderness, today announced that he is throwing open the PZ for 'any and all gentiles who are willing to work to build a new life.' Armoured convoys of resettlers have been making regular runs to Salt Lake for the past three years, but hitherto only those who subscribe to the Josephite faith have been aboard. Now, the way is open for, as Elder Seth says,'all good Christians to find their salvation where the desert blooms'…
"Fort Comanche, Nevada. General Ernest Haycox, commander-in-chief of the United States Cavalry, and Ms Redd Harvest, of the Turner-Harvest-Ramirez Agency, have announced that subsequent to their last joint action, the Maniax gangcult are no longer a problem in the Southwestern United states. The Grand Exalted Bullmoose of the Maniax has sent the severed heads of ten assorted Cavalry and T-H-R personnel to this station along with a formal declaration of all-out war. We will bring you more on this feud as it develops…
"Have you ever wondered how awful it would be if you were suddenly to go blind? You'd never be able to appreciate teevee again, and you'd hardly be up to defending yourself on the streets. Optic implants cost less than you might think, and GenTech have announced a special easy payments scheme on offer for this month only. Get one eye done half-price and see how it feels before you complete the treatment. You'll be seeing the world in a different light. GenTech, the biodivision that cares…
"Vatican City, Rome. Pope Georgi, at 56 the youngest man to hold the office in centuries, has expanded the terms of Vatican LXXXV, the controversial Bull which has changed the shape of the Catholic church. Women can still not be ordained to the priesthood, but nuns have been given equal stature within the church and may conduct the mass. In view of the third-world population problem, Georgi has reversed the longstanding papal position on family planning. Rumours that the Vatican plans to market an officially-blessed condom under the brand name of His Holiness's Swiss Guards are unconfirmed at this date…
"London, England. Prime Minister Archer announced on the Home Service of BeeBeeCee-Teevee that the temporary rationing of butter, sugar, gasoline and ammunition would continue at least until the end of next year. During a spontaneous demonstration of loyal support outside the Palace of Westminster, the Metropolitan Police estimate that 300 people were overcome by the heat and had to be hospitalized…
"Moscow, USSR. Premier Yeltsin married for the third time today. His bride, former '80s musickie Tasha, sang for her fans at the reception, and dedicated a version of her million-selling hit 'Love, Sex, Love' to her new husband…
"Talking of Love and Sex, have you ever worried that your experience of physical pleasure is somehow less than your partner's? Thanks to GenTech, your worries could be over. For a surprisingly small fee, our trained cerebrosurgeons can tune up your nerve endings and intensify your orgasms tenfold, We have thousands of satisfied customers. GenTech, the biodivision that cares…
"Naples, Italy. Bruno di Geronimo, convicted crimelord of all Southern Italy and alleged capo of the Twelve Mafia Families, today set sail for the penal colony of Sicily where he has been sentenced to spend the rest of his life. Judging by the high mortality rate on the island, which is populated entirely by convicted felons from the European Community, his life expectancy is not thought to exceed three months…
"Berlin, Greater Germany. Rudolf Hess, recovered from his recent cybersurgery, has won his court case against The Swinging Swastika nightclub and now retains copyright on the symbols, uniforms, flags, weaponry, architecture and philosophy of the Third Reich. If all the organizations currently using Nazi regalia pay up, Hess will be a very rich man. Ulrich Sturm of the Knoxville Kultur Kommandos gangcult of Tennessee has issued a press statement that reads 'if that old kraut freaks with us, we'll yank his freakin' lungs out and make him freakin' choke on 'em!'…
"Puerto Belgrano, Antarctica. The Malvinas War flared up again in miniature last week when a party of drunken British molybdenum miners got into a gunfight with the Argentine authorities. The casualties will not be named until next of kin have been alerted, but it is believed that famed esperado Ice Kold Katie is among the dead. Sheriff Felipe Almodovar, the self-styled 'Law South of Tierra del Fuego,' has decreed that sidearms can no longer be worn within the city limits except by duly deputized peace officers. 'Wild' Charlie Mander, spokesman for the British mining community, has complained that Almodovar followed up this ruling by deputizing 'every Argie within a thousand miles and declaring open season on the Brits'…
"A housewife in Utica, New York, has replaced her pet duck's flippers with a built-in robo-skateboard. 'Dribbles can get around much better now, and he's too fast for the children on the block to shoot at,' she claims. Scientists are amazed. That is what we at ZeeBeeCee call 'quack thinking,' he he he…
"This has been Lola Stechkin at ZeeBeeCee, signing off. If it's all right with you, it's all right with us…"
Stay tuned to ZeeBeeCee, The Station That's Got It All, if you want to enter our current Gentech Competition. You could be the lucky winner of your very own Lola Stechkin sexclone, or a hundred thousand dollars worth of bio-implant surgery. All you have to do is answer three simple questions, complete the following sentence, "I hate my body because…,"and send your answers on a fax with coupons from any three GenTech products. The questions are: a) Who, at the time of this recording, is CEO of Gentech Korea? b) Which famous movie star has three penises? And c) What is an axolotl? Gentech, the biodivision that cares.
Next up from ZeeBeeCee, The Station That's Got It All, is our ever-popular family quiz show, The Cain Factor, in which you can find out whether one of this week's contestants has got what it takes to stay alive in the Attica NoGo, followed by Pro-Celebrity Sexual Gymnastics, with the celebrity home team, Dr Ruth, Kermit the Frog, and the Vice-President of the United States of America taking on this week's pro guests Voluptua Whoopee, German porno superstar Billy Priapus and the Grand Old Lady of Hardcore Humping, Kittikat Gazongas. Now, a message from GenTech…
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