“Why?” he finally asked, then clarified, “I mean, I know why you want to see them: You’re their mom, and it’s been more than a year, and the situation sucks royal donkey dick. I get that. I mean why now, specifically? Has something happened?”
For a half second, she wondered whether he was asking her to give him an excuse to ignore his better judgment and the council’s recommendation. He’d gone against the thirteenth prophecy by taking Leah as his queen rather than sacrificing her to the gods, based on having seen her in his dreams. He believed in the power of visions, even when the mage having them wasn’t a seer. If she told him she’d dreamed of the boys, and sold it hard enough, he’d give her what she wanted.
It would be a lie, though. She’d dreamed of them—of course she had; she was their mother, damn it.
But the dreams were always normal, garden- variety agglomerations of daily experiences, vague fears, and the grind of a life that had seemed so exciting when she’d first arrived at Skywatch, but over time had become rote, routine, and so very lonely. She missed her boys, missed her winikin, Hannah. And she missed the man Brandt had been when his winikin, Woody, had been around to keep him from taking himself too seriously. Without the boys and winikin, she and Brandt had drifted, badly. But none of that, she knew, would be enough to sway the king.
“I’m miserable,” she said simply. “I’m not sleeping, I’m not eating, and I feel like crap. Worse, my magic is for shit. I can hardly boost Brandt past a trickle anymore, and vice versa.” She paused hopefully, but Strike’s face had gone neutral. She continued. “I tried antidepressants, but they killed what was left of my powers, which is no good. I’ve talked to Jade in therapist mode; I changed my diet, worked out, used the shooting range, practiced a shit-ton of hand-to-hand, had sex with my husband . . . all the tricks she suggested to break out of depression. And maybe they helped for a little bit, but not long. I want, I need, to see my boys. Please. I’m begging you. Just tell me where they are, or have Hannah and Woody bring them someplace random, where nobody would think to look. I just want to see them. Then I’ll be okay. I’m sure of it.”
The king didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then he said simply, “Is your own happiness worth their lives?”
The oxygen vacated Patience’s lungs, leaving her trying to breathe around an empty space in her chest. She’d thought she’d braced herself for the question. She’d been wrong. Somehow, hearing it in Brandt’s too-reasonable, too-serious tones had just put her back up and made her think, You’re wrong; it’s not like that. It’s not an either/or question. But somehow, facing her king, she couldn’t be so sure.
Still, she pushed onward. “There’s been no sign of Iago in months; he’s either dead or he’s trying to assimilate Moctezuma’s spirit. With him out of commission, the Xibalbans haven’t done a damn thing. For all we know, all of the red-robes died in Paxil Mountain when Michael unleashed his death magic. If that’s the case, then it’s a good bet the gray-robes have disbanded, or at the very least that they’re disorganized and blind without their magic users. Given that, don’t you think we could come up with a safe way for me to see the twins?” Or, even better, bring them home ? She didn’t say that last part, though. One important lesson she’d learned over the past two years was that in some wars it was possible to fight only one battle at a time. Looking at the whole thing at once was too damned daunting.
“Even if Iago and the Xibalbans are out of the picture for the moment—and I’m not convinced they are—then we still have the Banol Kax to consider,” Strike pointed out.
Her pulse sped up a notch. “I am considering them. That’s why I need to do this now. The Banol Kax haven’t been able to reach the earth plane recently because Iago closed the hellroad and hid it in the barrier, right? That should mean they can’t perceive us up here, that they don’t know what’s going on. If Lucius manages to find the hellroad and we get it open to rescue the sun god, there’s no guarantee we’ll be able to close it again. So I need to do this now, before we make any sort of move on the hellmouth.”
“Damn it, Patience.” The angry words came not from the king, but from behind her. In her husband’s voice. “I thought we agreed to wait on this . . . and to put it in front of the royal council, officially, and together.”
She closed her eyes on a spasm of the grinding, wrenching, nausea-inducing pain in her stomach that made her want to cross her arms over herself and moan. She didn’t, though, because that would accomplish exactly nothing. Back during the early days of their marriage, Brandt had loved it when she played girl and leaned on him, needed him. These days, though, he took any sign of weakness as an excuse to take over and start making unilateral decisions, pushing her aside.
She didn’t know if his Borg- like assimilation into the Nightkeeper ways was what had caused him to put his responsibilities to his family behind his duties to the magi and the end-time war, as demanded by the writs. Maybe the magic itself had changed him, making him harder and uncompromising, or maybe he’d always been that way and she hadn’t noticed because their needs had coincided rather than clashed. Whatever the cause, the small disagreements had snowballed, then avalanched, until she barely knew him anymore.
“You agreed to that. I just didn’t argue,” she said softly, still facing away from him. Then, avoiding Strike’s eyes because she didn’t want to see the sympathy she knew was in his expression, she turned to face her husband. Her heart clutched a little at the frustrated anger in his gorgeous brown eyes and model-perfect face, the lines of tension in his big body.
Despite everything they’d been through lately, she still felt a gut-deep kick of desire, and heard a faint, egotistical whisper of, The other girls can eat their hearts out. He’s mine. That was pretty much the first thing she’d said to him six years earlier, when she’d awakened beside him in a Cancún hotel room in the midst of spring break. Her brain had been full of disconnected images of the previous night’s hard partying, her bed had been full of gorgeous guy, and both their forearms had been marked with what they had thought at the time were tattoos of Mayan glyphs, but had later proved to be so much more. It was that more that was screwing them up now, she thought. Or maybe they’d been doomed from the start, and it’d taken them this long to figure it out.
She waited for his eyes to soften, waited to see some of the old wonder in them, the look that had made her believe he was just as awed as she was by what they’d found. But he stayed annoyed. More than that, he looked hurt, which was ridiculous. He’d been the first one to suggest sending the twins away, after all. She’d initially believed it had been Strike’s idea, but Brandt had later confessed that it had been his. He might’ve thought knowing that would help her resign herself to the separation. He’d been wrong.
Looking past her, he said to Strike, “Sorry. I thought we’d settled this.”
“Don’t apologize for me,” she snapped, anger rising. “You don’t own me, and you don’t speak for me.”
“Clearly.” He moved up beside her, still looking at Strike. That forced her to turn, as well, so she and Brandt wound up standing shoulder-to-shoulder, facing their king. But although the shift created an illusion of their joining forces against a common enemy, she knew that was far from the case. She was on her own in this one, not part of a team anymore.