We’re stuck in the kill zone. I don’t fucking know if we’re going to be okay, if we’re going to survive, but I can’t tell him that.
“Motherfucker.” My body jolts awake at the sound of Conner’s words. Fuck, not this fucking dream again.
“Jesse?” A warm hand touches my shoulder, and instantly, I’m on alert. Twisting my body, I reach out and grab the owner of the voice by the neck as the steady beat of their pulse thumps beneath my fingertips. It takes me a few deep breathes to realize I’m not back in Afghanistan, but at home, in my bed. The young woman’s throat I have my fingers wrapped around is not the enemy, but the bitch I took to bed.
“Fuck, sorry, sweetheart.” I release my grip and my eyes move to her throat, watching it constrict as she drags a large breath through her mouth.
“What the hell, Jesse?” She holds her neck, wheezing past her words. I rub my face in an attempt to erase the memories of the dream. Memories which can’t be un-seen.
“You okay?” I finally look up. Her dark hair covers her face, so I can’t see how scared she is. Not that this bothers me; their faces mean nothing to me. All I care about is fucking them and watching them leave.
“Yeah, but I should go.” She moves to the edge of the bed, the soft light from my bathroom highlights the arch of her back. Fuck, she has an amazing body. Shifting my body closer to hers, my finger reaches out and follows the curve. I should let her go. Having her in my bed is a bad fucking idea. I should never let them stay for this reason, but the fucked-up part of me doesn’t want to be alone. Even if I did just try to strangle her.
“What was the dream about?” She stops her retreat and turns to look at me. I roll back over and pull her to me. My hunger to get lost in a tight pussy builds, and the more questions she asks, my need to bury the past grows stronger
“Less talk and more fucking, sweetheart.” I take her mouth and instantly she molds to me. I fucking love bitches like this. It helps me deal with the fucked-up shit I’ve done. The fucked-up shit I’ve seen. It might not be the right therapy, but it’s my only therapy.
“Put your hands around my neck again.” Whatever-her-name-is demands as I slide on the third condom of the night.
“You want me to strangle you while I fuck you?”
“Yes,” she moans and my cock aches in anticipation. Fucking hell yes.
Jesus. I’m so fucked up. I even manage to find bitches who love my kind of fucked up.
Two BELL
“Damn, girl, you are getting looks tonight.” My best friend Lissy bumps her shoulder into mine as we stand at the bar waiting for our drinks. I look around the club and feel myself sink into my own skin, wishing she wouldn’t put any ideas in my head. I hate the thought of people looking at me.
“I’m pretty sure it’s you they’re looking at.” I look down at her painted-on jeans and skintight top, and hold back my eye roll. The woman is kidding herself if she thinks these men are looking at me over her.
“That’s because you don’t know how amazing you are, Bell.” I return her smile but don’t comment. It’s best this way. It’s always this way with Lissy and me. She thinks I’m beautiful and I think she is crazy.
“So what did you tell your mom you were doing tonight?” She hands the bartender a fifty with a wink. He beams a white tooth smile back, which only pushes her dimples to come out to play. She turns back to me, grinning like a fool, and I shake my head. Oh, to be carefree like Lissy. If only I had her attitude.
“Bell?” Lissy presses, flipping her long red curls over her shoulder and narrowing her eyes on me.
“I told them I was at your house for the night.” I swallow past the bad taste left in my mouth from my lies. I don’t like lying to my mom, but if I want to live some kind of normal life, or as normal as I can live with a mother like mine, a lie will have to suffice.
“You know this whole situation is ridiculous, right, Bell?” We take our drinks and move back to the table where our friends wait.
“Don’t start tonight, Lissy,” I beg, handing Manda, my other best friend, her drink before taking a seat.
“What is she starting tonight?” Manda’s twin sister, Kate, asks as she takes her drink from Lissy.
“Bell told her mom we were having a sleepover,” Lissy spills and I have to stop myself from kicking her under the table. Lissy has been my best friend since high school. She might think what she is doing is looking out for me, but she’s not. She doesn’t get my situation. I wouldn’t want her to either; but where Lissy is strong, confident and loud, I’m shy, reserved and quiet. I can’t just tell my parents I’m done playing their rules and then not care if they don’t agree. It’s different for her. For all of them.
“Guys, can we not go there tonight?” I look over at Kate and I pray she has my back. Kate is more like me—happy to keep the peace—but most of the time will come to my defense.
“We’re just worried.” Manda gives her opinion and now I know I’m in trouble. Once Manda weighs in, there is no stopping the rest of them.
“I know, guys, but what do you expect me to do?” I ask a little too loudly. I look around making sure no one is watching us.
I wasn’t expecting to come out tonight. But Lissy and Manda insisted we go out for my birthday. I thought we were talking about movies and dinner. Not Liquid, the hottest nightclub in Rushford. I’m way out of my league here and my girls know it.
“You can start by telling your parents you’re not your sister. You can’t live in her shadow for the rest of your life. You’re twenty-three years old for Christ’s sake, Bell.” Lissy shakes her head, working herself up. I know she means well, all my friends do, but it’s easy for them to say. They don’t live with what I live with every day. Feeling my mood get dragged down, I force myself to take a breath and let the ugly feelings, which always appear when talking about my sister, wash over me.
“Guys, it’s Bell’s night. Let’s not go there,” Kate comes to my rescue, finally. I smile over at her, a silent thank you, but it’s too late; Lissy has already gone there, and once she starts, then there’s no stopping her.
“We’re just worried,” she begins, but I can’t let her get to me, not tonight.
“Excuse me.” I stand from my chair needing to escape. I know when they tell me they are worried they mean it. I get it. I do, but my situation is something I can’t control. I can’t control that one of my sisters is missing, taken from us without a trace, and in turn, my mother keeps me on a tight leash. Nor can I explain how I allow it all to happen. When it comes to my family, I can’t say no or bring them disappointment, because if I do, I’ll only bring more pain. To everyone involved.
“Don’t leave. We didn’t mean anything by it.” Manda reaches out and takes my wrist, dragging me back down. I take another breath and calm myself.
“Well, what did you mean?” I ask, my confidence shaken by the truth of their concerns.
“Bell, we just want what’s best for you.” Lissy takes my other hand and I don’t pull away. I need her strength to stop myself from breaking down.
“I don’t expect you to understand, guys, because if I’m honest, sometimes I don’t understand. But I do expect you to respect my wishes. My family might not be conventional but they’re the only one I have.” I take another breath, my attempt to calm down is failing. I hate that this is what it comes to when we talk about my family, or bring up Paige. I hate that I can’t live a normal life like them, but I can’t change the past. I can’t move on. I’m stuck. Stuck in a nightmare of what my life has become. And when they bring it all up again, I’m reminded just how screwed up the situation is.