“He’s your father. Does that count for anything?” The quiver in her voice takes me back to the same tone my mother used to make excuses and brush away what he did.
“No, it doesn’t, Bell. Unlike you, I don’t carry my DNA around like a ball and chain, hoping to please my parents. I gave up feeling obligated and responsible a long time ago.” I drop the stick on the table and walk out, leaving her standing there with my brothers.
Yeah, like father like son.
I don’t give a fuck.
Thirty BELL
“Bell?” he whispers three hours and twenty-five minutes later. Unsure what he needs from me, I keep my body still and feign sleep. I listen to him toe off his boots and drop his cut on the chair; executing the same routine he does every night before bed.
Part of me wasn’t expecting him to come back, the other part counting down the seconds he was away. I thought about leaving, retreating to the comfort of my own home, but I couldn’t bring myself to go. I know he’s hurting and it wasn’t easy to walk away from him, so I stayed and decided we would work it out when he calmed down. I know I shouldn’t have pushed him earlier. I don’t know why I did. After he left, Sy and Beau told me not to worry, but how could I not? I needed him to know I didn’t want to put a wedge between us. Not now.
“Bell?” Jesse calls my name again as he climbs into bed.
“Yeah?” I give up feigning sleep and turn over. My stomach drops at the sight of him. Dark circles under his eyes, his drained features stare back at me. I know he’s suffering, I just wish he would open up to me, instead of internalizing it all.
“You okay?” I ask when he doesn’t say anything.
“Yeah.” He sighs, resting his arm over his face.
“What’s happening? Talk to me.” I move closer, pressing my cheek to his naked chest.
“You were right.” I wait for him to continue but he doesn’t say anything.
“No, Jesse, I wasn’t.” I sit up, my hands aching to hold him, to ignite hope back into him. “I shouldn’t have pushed you. I’m sorry.” The tears fall freely and I don’t know if I’m crying for us, for him, or for a man I barely know.
“Never apologize for being honest, Bell. Always honesty.” He tugs me back down, tucking my back to his front. “I’m fighting a battle I’m not gonna win. I go to him and give him the peace everyone except me thinks he deserves, or I don’t and then I’m left with guilt. Either way, he wins.”
“No one wins, Jesse. Not when it comes to love and death. You just have to choose what’s going to hurt you less.” He’s quiet in his thoughts, only holding me tighter.
“Sleep,” he finally says, shifting us to our sides.
“I love you, Jesse,” I whisper, not caring if I say it. The man needs to know what love is, even if it frightens him.
I don’t know how we are going to get through what is coming, but I know if he doesn’t push me away, I’ll be there.
“Fucking stay with me. I’m not going to let you die,” Jesse mumbles in his sleep later that night. “Noooo!” he shouts louder, thrashing harder. I react immediately, attempting to soothe him.
“Jesse, wake up. You’re dreaming,” I whisper, waiting for him to respond. He doesn’t so I turn and reach for the bedside light.
I know last time he told me not to touch him, but looking down at him now, I can’t help reaching out to comfort him. After our fight earlier, I need to know he’s okay.
“The fuck,” he barks, rolling me to my back while his hand wraps around my neck and restricts my airway. At first I’m frozen, unsure what to do. Is he still dreaming?
“Jesse,” I squeak, struggling against his hold, kicking out and fighting to escape. The bedside lamp knocks to the floor, the glass of water I took to bed smashing beside it. His grip grows stronger the more I fight. Changing my tactic, I reach out and scratch his face, the small amount of air I am getting is not enough and black dots flicker in front of my face. I try to hold on, but darkness starts to blanket me, dragging me down to a place I don’t deserve.
“It’s me,” I manage to groan as I push my fingers into his eyes. I don’t think of hurting him. My need to survive takes over because Jesse is no longer the man I love, he’s the man who’s trying to kill me.
Suddenly, Jesse is pulled off me and I manage to drag much-needed air down my throat.
“What the fuck?” Jesse grunts from the floor beside the bed.
“Bell!” Holly’s anguished cry moves my gaze from a disorientated Jesse.
“The fuck is wrong with you?” Sy stands between Jesse and I. His chest rises and falls as he assumes a stance that says don’t fucking think about going to her.
I’m still finding it hard to catch my breath and my neck is throbbing so hard I’m worried Jesse has done some serious damage.
“Ggg.” I struggle to move the words past my throat, and the tears start to fall.
“Holly, get her out of here,” Sy orders. Holly doesn’t think twice, takes my hand and helps me out of the room. I look down at Jesse still on the floor. His eyes come to me, and for the first time since I’ve known him, I freely see the pain behind his eyes.
“Bell!” he calls to me, but I can’t bring myself to stop.
“Don’t fucking talk to her, fucker.” I hear Sy say as Holly walks me down to the kitchen.
“Oh, God, Bell. What the fuck happened?” She sits me down at the table and moves to the freezer. My hands tremble in front of me, so I fold them into each other hoping they calm.
“I don’t know,” I manage to wheeze before Holly returns with an ice tray and a dish cloth. “How did you guys…” I stop to swallow, the pain too much to talk through.
“I heard Jesse shouting, then you scream, and a glass smashing.” She shakes her head. “I knew something wasn’t right, so I woke Sy up and came to check.” Her hand shakes as she reaches forward and passes me her makeshift ice pack.
“I’m okay, Holly.” I grasp her hand and give her a squeeze.
“Jesus, I can’t imagine what would have happened if we didn’t come in.” Her lip quivers and it nearly sets me off.
“I don’t want to think about it, Holly,” I whisper, keeping my mind off what might have happened.
“Bell! Sweetheart,” Jesse shouts out from the hall.
“Stay the fuck back, Jesse. Let me check on her first,” Sy orders, coming to stand in the doorway before Jesse can enter.
“Fuck off, Sy. I’m not going to hurt her.” He continues to argue, but Sy doesn’t relent.
“Didn’t look like it when I stormed in. You had your fucking hands around her neck and she was seconds away from passing out,” Sy delivers the blow, taking me back to the bed and the darkness closing in.
“Fuck!” Jesse shouts, delivering a punch to the wall next to Sy.
“You need to calm the fuck down, brother. I’m not letting you in till I speak with her, you feel me?” Jesse doesn’t reply right away, but after a few minutes, he agrees and heads back out to the main room waiting for Sy.
“You okay, Bell?” Sy moves to stand in front of me. He drops to a squat and reaches out to inspect my neck. I flinch at the movement. I know Sy would never hurt me, but my reasoning doesn’t want to trust him.
“I’m not going to hurt you,” he reassures me. Forcing myself to relax, I nod, letting him inspect my neck.
“How does it feel to swallow?” He turns my neck from side to side.
“It’s tender,” I croak, testing it out.
“You wanna tell me what the fuck happened?”
“He was dreaming. I reached over and tried to wake him up. I wasn’t thinking properly. I just wanted to wake him… With everything that happened today…” I shake my head. “He reached out, got a hold of me and I couldn’t fight it.” Sy’s eyes darken as I fill in the blanks. His lips press together and the vein on the side of his temple pulses. “It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have touched him. I know this,” I defend him but it only serves to piss Sy off further.