“This isn’t your fault, Bell. Don’t even go there.” He points a look at me that says don’t say it.
“What do you wanna do? You want me to take you home, or tell Jesse to get the fuck out of here?” Sy stands and gets some more ice from the freezer
“Can I see him?” I ask, needing to show Jesse I’m okay. He stops and looks back over.
“Whatever you want, Bell. But I’m not leaving you alone.”
“Jesse won’t hurt me on purpose, guys.” I look between Holly and Sy needing them to understand.
“Not budging on it.” He hands me a better packed cloth and tells me to keep icing. “I’ll go get him.” He moves to leave, but on cue, Jesse walks in.
“I’m here, fucker.” Jesse nudges Sy out of the way and kneels down in front of me. “Fuck, sweetheart. I didn’t know. I didn’t know,” he repeats, moving his hands to my face and slightly turning it to see the damage. “I would never hurt you, baby.” He looks so torn up, my heart is breaking for him.
“It’s okay, Jesse. I know. It was an accident. I’m fine.” I push down the memories of him choking me and focus on reassuring him.
“You’re not fucking fine, my goddamn fingers are imprinted in your fucking neck!” he shouts, causing me to recoil.
“You’re scaring her, Jesse.” Holly steps in close, but I shake my head. Jesse’s only reacting to his fear. I know he would never hurt me.
“It was an accident, Jesse. I know that.” I take his hands in mine and hold them to my face. “I’m okay.”
“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I fucked up.” He drops his head and I want to take his anguish away, but I don’t know how.
“Jesse, everything is okay. It was just a dream,” I plead as he starts to pull away.
“Bell.” He stands to full height and the agony I hear in my name says it all. “Sy will take you home. You’re better off not being around me right now.” He moves ready to leave.
“No, I don’t wanna go. Don’t make me go. I’ll sleep on the sofa.” I try to bargain and beg, anything to stop him from pushing me away.
“Fine, stay. But I’m going and you need to be gone in the morning.” He stops, turns and looks down at me. The man I’ve fallen in love with stares vacantly. I want to scream out, tell him I need him and beg him to come back.
“So that’s it, huh? You’re just going to walk?” I can’t keep the hurt out of my voice. The sting of rejection more painful than what his fingers did to my neck.
“I nearly fucking killed you, Bell. I had my fucking hands around your throat and was taking your life. I thought you were trying to kill me. You think I want that on me? I can’t even look at you.” He spins and I stand, not ready for this to end. We have something worth fighting for. I’m not going to let him give up on us.
“Don’t you dare walk out of this room, Jesse Carter. I won’t allow you to push me away.” The determination blazing through me fails to deliver when my voice cracks. I watch him cringe in pain hearing it. Knowing he did this to me is going to kill him. It’s going to kill us.
“You have no choice.” Dread weighs heavy on my heart when I hear the desolation in his voice.
“I don’t have a choice? We promised each other honesty, Jesse.”
“You want honesty? Fine. You’re not what I need and I’m not what you need.”
“You don’t know what I need, Jesse. I told you I would take you any way, even if this is all you can give me.”
“You don’t get it. You will never get it.”
“I do, you know I do.” I step forward needing his touch, anything to center me.
“Bell, look at you and look at me. I’m so fucked up and I don’t need your fucked up on me either.”
His words hit unexpectedly like running into a glass door unaware. Embarrassment and pain boils through me when I realize how desperate I must look. Pleading for his love when he’s never given it.
“My fucked up?” I repeat his words, keeping my eyes on him. Part of me knows he’s pushing me away the only way he knows how, and I understand that. But it doesn’t stop the hurt. “You think I’m fucked up, Jesse?”
“Sweetheart, you’re twenty-three years old. You let your parents tell you what to do. You’re so caught up in finding your sister, you put your own life at risk. You walked into this club, gave yourself to me, and you’re so goddamn innocent I don’t know how to handle it.”
“Jesse,” Holly starts but I block her out. I block everything out as the world around me slows for a second. His words echoing around me.
“My sister is alive. I’m not going to give up on her.” A deep line creases between his brows, an expression mixed with pain and determination.
“Yeah, well, maybe you should. Jesus, Bell, don’t you think it’s time to move on. She ain’t coming back.” My hand snakes out fast, slapping him across the face as hard as I can.
“Don’t you dare fucking speak of her like she is dead! You heard Nix, they have a lead.” I’ve never hit anyone in my life, but the burning pain in my palm does nothing to calm me as I stand face to face with the man I thought I was in love with.
“She’s probably long gone, sweetheart. The sooner you realize it, the sooner you can move on, the sooner we can move on.”
“That’s enough. You’re both hurting right now. This isn’t the time or the place.” Sy steps in front of us, but Jesse isn’t done.
“Your family is what is holding you back, Bell. Can’t you see?” He begins to laugh and the need to slap him again tingles in my fingers, but I force it away. I don’t want to hurt him. I just want him to stop hurting me.
“All I see is hope, Jesse, and maybe you don’t get that. No, I know you don’t. You don’t understand a love like that, because you walk around thinking everything is about you. Everyone has done you wrong and you have no hand in anything. You have a family who wants to love you, but you make it so goddamn hard. You’re so fucked in the head you wrapped your hands around my neck and tried to kill me!” I snap my mouth shut as soon as the words spew out.
“Exactly,” he sighs, and it’s then I realize I just walked right into what he wanted. He played me.
“You know what? You’re right. You’re so messed up I feel sorry for you,” I whisper, knowing there is no saving us. We’re done. I can see it in his eyes. The way he’s shutting me out, I can’t save us.
“Don’t feel sorry for me, sweetheart. I deserve everything I get.” His tone drips in resentment. The need to go to him, and tell him not to be so hard on himself fades. He has done this to himself. He is the one who pushes everyone away. I’m done trying.
“You do deserve everything you get, Jesse. I never used to think you did, but standing here right now, I see it. You’re lonely because you want to be. You push everyone away ‘cause you’re scared. Scared they will see the man you have become. You’re scared of what loving me back means to you, so you’re going to push me away too.” I squeeze my eyes shut, swallowing past the pain.
“I do love you, Bell, but at what cost.” He points to my neck.
“This means nothing!” I point to my neck, but it doesn’t matter how hard I fight, it won’t change anything. Without another word, he turns and walks out, leaving me standing more alone than I’ve ever been in my life.
He breathed possibility into my life, showed me what I was missing, and in one night, he took it all away.
Thirty-One JESSE
“Carter, just let me go,” Conner pleads as I do my best to make a tourniquet on his leg with my belt. The barrage lifted a few minutes ago, leaving the smell of burnt flesh and death behind.