“Fuck off, Bell, I don’t need you defending me.” I try to stand but lose my balance. The bitch next to me scurries off to the side, but I keep her in my sights. I’m going to fuck her tonight. I need Bell off my mind and to bury myself in some fresh pussy.
“Jesse, you’re drunk. You don’t know what you’re saying.” She tries again, but I’m fucking through looking at her.
“I thought I told you to go home. No one likes a fucking hang on. I fucked you, okay. I don’t need some second-rate bitch trying to get back in. I’m done. Done.” My heart clenches the moment I see her shut down, but I have to stay strong. It’s for the best she knows what a messed-up asshole I am.
“That’s enough.” Jackson’s voice bellows behind Bell, and I know by his tone he’s about to go all ‘big brother’ on my ass.
“Jay, take Bell outside. She doesn’t need to see this shit,” he orders, and like a good little brother, Jay complies.
“What’s the issue, Jackson? She knew the fucking score. She knew going in this was what she was getting.” I slur some more, watching her crimson face hide into Jay’s chest. I push the jealousy down at seeing him touch her and decide to go for the kill.
“You should tap it, Jay. Though, I already took her virginity. Guess that means I’m one up on you on that.” I hear a gasp to the side of me, but I don’t have time to turn before Jackson delivers a full fist punch to the side of my head.
Pain ricochets throughout my skull and then everything goes black.
“I don’t even fuckin’ know what to do with him.” I hear Nix’s voice first, but I can’t react, still letting myself slowly wake up.
“He’s messed up, bad, Nix. It’s going to take some time. You know he isn’t coping well. Especially with what happened with Bell, he’s not himself,” Kadence whispers, piquing my interest.
“What happened to Bell?” I croak out, trying to shift in my awkward position on the club sofa. How the fuck did I get here?
“Don’t fuckin’ speak her name, fucker. Not after the way you treated her last night.” Nix kicks at my feet and I cringe as the night before comes back to me. Fuck. Jay and Jackson. Me disrespecting my family, and Bell. It all comes back to me.
“How did I get here?” I ask, but no one answers me. My head is pounding as I try to open my eyes. Not equipped to deal with this level of pain so early, I keep my eyes shut and continue to listen to my family talk around me.
“He needs to be gone from here for a week or two. I can’t stand lookin’ at his face any longer. And with the shit with the Warriors still on unsteady ground, I can’t trust he has the club’s best interests right now.” Nix continues talking like I’m not here.
“Want me to take him up to the safe house. Give him some space to think, come to terms with everything that’s going on?” Beau offers. Great, a fucking club meet happening. And it’s about me. Fuckers.
“Yeah, the sooner the better.”
“You do know I’m awake. I can hear you all discussing me.” I keep my eyes closed and wait for a reply.
“You better fucking hear us, Jesse. You went too fuckin’ far last night.”
“Spare me the lecture, Nix.” I sit up and take a look at my family. No one holds eye contact, disappointment and concern holding them back.
“No, you’re gonna hear it. You’re a member of this club, and last time I checked, we respect our women.” Brooks puts his opinion in the mix only pissing me off more.
“Well, luckily, she wasn’t my woman.” I rub at my face. My temple throbs at the side, but I don’t acknowledge it. I know I deserved it.
“I think she is the lucky one, brother.” Nix stands. “You don’t deserve her. It’s sad she had to go through all that to realize it. Get up to the safe house, sort your shit out, and come back the man I know you are.” I don’t say anything, just take in his words and let them settle over me.
I don’t give a fuck what he thinks, but he’s right. I don’t deserve her.
Never have.
Never will.
Thirty-Four BELL
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the memories I cannot change, the courage to heal the wounds I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. Amen.”
“Amen,” the room echoes Conner’s ending prayer.
“Thanks for coming today. I hope you guys got something out of it. If anyone wants to hang back for a chat, I’m here.” Conner turns his attention to me as I stand and wait for everyone to move out.
It’s Saturday morning and I just sat in on one of Conner’s support groups.
“What did you think?” Conner asks after everyone moves out.
“It was full on. I’m in awe of you all. What you went through.” I shake my head, trying to find the right words. Since Jesse introduced me to Conner, I’ve wanted to know more about him. Jesse had been keeping me updated with his recovery from his last surgery and how he was coping with the new prosthetic. But it wasn’t until the funeral last week that we saw each other again and he invited me to sit in on one of his groups.
“What you’re doing is amazing for these men, Conner.”
“Thanks, it helps me more than it helps them.” He shrugs, not taking the praise. Yeah, not so different from Jesse.
“I didn’t think you’d show.” He moves around the room, starting to pick up empty cups left lying around.
“I told you I was interested.” I move forward and help to gather the chairs. “You were right, sitting here hearing these men’s stories of what they went through gives me an insight in to what Jesse is dealing with.” He nods but doesn’t say anything.
“So, has, Jesse ever come to these type of things?” I carefully ask, keeping my voice low.
“He used to. But he stopped last year.”
“Does it not help, talking about what you went through?” I push, wondering why Jesse stopped.
“For some it does. For others talking about it can make it worse.”
“And Jesse? Why doesn’t talking help him?”
“Jesse’s issues are complex, Bell. You have to understand, nothing is going to change what we experienced over there. It’s about learning to live with it, and not let it bring us down. Jesse has a hard time with that.” I nod, even if I don’t understand it. It’s not that I don’t want to know what he’s dealing with, I do more than anything, I just wish Jesse helped me to see it his way.
“Have you spoken to him?”
Conner shakes his head. “He’s still up at that damn house they dropped him off at. I went and visited him yesterday. He was so out of it I don’t even know if he realized I was there.”
“You think it’s wise leaving him on his own?” I question, still unsure it’s the best place for him.
“It’s probably the safest place for him right now. I don’t think he’s going to do anything stupid. He’ll come around. He just needs some time.”
“I hope you’re right.” I bite at my bottom lip, concerned Jesse isn’t going to come around. Last week was rock bottom and I’m second-guessing the decision to cut him out.
“Trust me, Bell. He just needs some time to get his head in a better place.” He tries to assure me.
I nod and take a breath. “I just wish I could help him, Conner,” I say, taking a seat. It’s the first time Conner and I have discussed Jesse since the funeral. Conner was there, saw the fall out and Jesse being an ass. To say I was embarrassed would be an understatement. All of Jesse’s family and friends heard his comment. I tried to get out of there, tried to hide my humiliation, but neither Jay nor Jackson would let me leave—not until Nix and the boys dragged Jesse out of there. Only then did Jay drive me home.