“Because of Paige?” she asks and I can hear the sadness in the question.
“No,” I snap back the lie. I don’t do sympathy and I hate when they blame Paige for my lack of interest in men.
“You can’t wait forever for her,” Manda whispers and I know they are about to start back up again.
“Guys.”
“You do know how messed up this is? It’s your birthday and your family is at home mourning her. You have a man, a sexy-as-sin man come up to you and you just shut him down.” Lissy reminds me, spreading my sadness further down into my soul. Yep, that’s me in a nutshell.
“Lissy stop.”
“No, Bell. It’s not right. You’re important too. Don’t you see?” she keeps pressing, but it’s the last thing I need to hear tonight.
“It’s okay for you guys. You don’t have to live with it. You didn’t lose your sister. Your mother didn’t lose her child.” I drag a deep breath through my nose, hoping to calm my frustration.
“No, but thousands of people do, and there comes a time when moving on is the next step,” Manda adds and I know she’s right. It’s not like we are the only family in the world who are mourning a missing person, but until you live it, breathe it, you have no idea what it’s like.
“Do you know what it’s like not knowing if she’s alive?” I ask, my insecurities flaring at being ganged up on. “We live with it daily. You all sit here and act like I’m some pushover, like I’m wasting my life simply because I’m holding out hope for my sister to be alive.”
“Bell, it’s been six years,” Lissy whispers, reminding me just how much we have lost.
Another blow to the gut.
“Yeah and her body hasn’t been found. You might think you know what it feels like but you don’t. You couldn’t begin to imagine. So what, a man asks me to dance and I say no, so it has to be Paige’s fault?” I stand, pushing my chair back in frustration. Thoughts of Paige and where she could be, what she might have endured, flash in front of me and I can’t handle it.
“Bell, wait.” Manda stands but I can’t be around them right now, not if they continue to throw this all back in my face.
“Just give me five,” I say, needing some fresh air. They don’t follow me. Much to my relief. I need to calm down. I make my way outside; the need to take a breather calls to me. I can’t believe my birthday turned out like this. I should have known better. My birthday has been jinxed since I was seventeen—the night my sister vanished. Ever since then, nothing has been the same.
Pushing the doors with both hands, I drag another breath through my nose and let it fill my lungs. What my friends don’t know is, I hate my sister for this overwhelming despair, this resentment. I don’t know how much more of this painful loneliness I can take. Then in the same breath, I feel desperate, desperate not to give up, often questioning my own well-being. What if she did run away like the police first thought. What if she is dead, her body never to be found? Sometimes I wish she were dead. That her body would show up, end the constant worry. Then maybe our family could have some closure. Maybe the heartbreak of reliving my birthday every year not knowing what has happened to her would be easier. The unknown scares me. One day we have to have the answers. One day we have to have closure.
“Baby, if I knew you’d get so excited over my bike, I’d fuck you over the back.” A deep voice grabs my attention and I find myself staring at Jesse sucking face with some blonde-haired, big-boobed Amazon woman.
Oh, man, not him again. His tanned arm comes around the woman’s waist and pulls her to him. She wraps a leg around him and starts rubbing up against him. It’s the last thing I want to see, but for reasons I don’t want to admit, I can’t look away.
“You know his club has connections. Maybe they could put some feelers out there for Paige?” Lissy comes up behind me as I stand and watch Jesse pull back from the woman then plant her on his bike.
“Why are we still talking about him?” I turn my back, disgusted when I find myself wishing it was me getting on his bike. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. He gets me so worked up. I would never be what Jesse wants, and he would never be what I need. So why does seeing him kiss some skank make me want to be sick? The rumble of his bike grabs my attention and before I can catch myself, I turn back one last time.
“You would look good on the back of his bike,” Lissy teases, and it’s my cue to get back inside.
“Oh, God, no, never,” I lie, hoping I pull it off. We make our way back to the table as I try to push all thoughts of Jesse out of my head.
“I was just telling Bell about the connections the Knights Rebels have,” Lissy tells Manda and Kate as we sit back down at the table. “This isn’t public knowledge but, one of my friends said they helped a woman escape an abusive relationship a while back.” I glance at Lissy, silently thanking her for easing us back into conversation after storming off on them.
“Do you think they would help me?” I sit a little straighter; a small fire sparks in my belly. Could they be the help I need to finally find her? The police have exhausted all avenues. But something has to give. Someone out there has to know something. Something we are missing.
“They might, but how do you ask something like that if it’s all hush?” Kate voices my small concern.
“I have no idea. Maybe just ask Jesse.” Lissy smirks and I immediately know her game plan.
“She barely talked to him earlier. How do you suggest she walk into the club asking for help?” Manda doesn’t seem convinced. But the idea is growing on me.
“They’d eat her alive. It would be interesting to watch.” Lissy laughs but I don’t find anything funny about it.
“I’d be willing to try.” I’d be willing to try anything for Paige, for my family.
“So what, she just walks into the club and asks for help?” Kate asks, not buying it. I’m kind of with her; no doubt Jesse would love it.
“No, we go to one of the club parties, have a few drinks, relax and just drop it in.” Lissy sits up, trying to form an idea.
“You think it will work?” I force myself not to get too excited, but I can’t help it.
“I don’t know him, you do. Either way, there’s no harm in trying.” She’s right; there’s no harm in trying. If I could help give my family the answers they need, I’d do it. I’d do anything.
“I want to try,” I tell them. Hope slowly ignites in my heart once again. The awareness brings questions and anticipation but I know it’s what I need.
“Okay, let me talk to my friend who knows them. She’s seeing some guy named Hunter, the newest member. She asked if I wanted to go to a club party a couple of weeks back. Maybe she can get us in.”
“Yes, do it.” I nod ready for this. This is one chance I can’t give up. Even if it means talking to Jesse.
“Okay, but if she says yes, there is no pulling out. We’re doing this,” she throws her warning at me, but I don’t need it.
“I want this,” I tell her.
“And if they agree, whatever they find out, you have to accept,” she adds and I understand what she is saying. If the Rebels don’t find my sister, I have to let it go. I can’t promise her that, so I lie.
“I will.”
She licks her lips before taking a sip of her drink. “Well, looks like we might be going to a Rebels’ party.” She sounds as excited as I feel. But knowing Lissy, it’s for totally different reasons.
“I hear they party hard.” Manda flashes an are-you-sure-about-this grin at me, but I can’t let myself think about that right now.
This is the chance I need. I just need one break, one clue. There has to be someone who knows something, and something in me tells me the Knights Rebels just might be able to give me my answers.
“I don’t even look like myself.” I turn my face to check out another angle. “I really don’t think this is a good idea.” I blink once, then twice and decide I’m in way over my head. Tonight, we’re going to the Knights Rebels’ clubhouse to see if they can help me. I’ve had the last two weeks to think this game plan over, two weeks to ponder if they can really help. Two weeks to gather some much needed confidence.