“Yeah, I did lose, Kadence. I let it control me. It stopped me from fixing my relationship with my father. He fucking died before I pulled my head out of my ass. I push everyone away. I’m fucked up, more than you could even imagine.”
“Look at me, Jesse Carter. Yes, you have your issues. I’m not going to argue that you have some work to do, but you can’t continue to hold onto this blame. It’s only going to bring you down. Your father is gone and I’m sorry you didn’t get the peace you needed, but tearing apart your life is only going to let him win. You are not him. You are everything he could never be.” She doesn’t hold back and I realize it’s what I need. She’s right, and the more destruction I create, the more I hide from everything, the more I hurt the people I love.
Fuck how could I be so clueless.
“I don’t want to be him,” I agree, needing someone to understand that.
“You’re not, never were and never will be, Jesse. You remember that and get your shit together.” She takes my hand and squeezes. The contact soothes me. Blankets my insecurity and begins to pull me out of my doubt.
“I don’t even know where to start.” I laugh a bitter laugh, not knowing how far down this rabbit hole I am.
“Well, this is why I’m here to help you. You’re going to start going back to your support groups. Start talking again. Conner’s organized an appointment for you to see someone at the VA hospital, to give you the help we can’t.” I shake my head, not sure if I can talk with anyone yet.
“Don’t argue with me, Jesse. We’re going to take baby steps. The club is awaiting your arrival home. Hell, I might even surprise you with my cooking.”
“Jesus, you’re on a mission.”
“I am if it’s going to help you, Jesse.” She stands from the coffee table and extends her hand. I think about it for a minute. I know she’s right. I need help to get me through this shit, but it doesn’t make me feel good knowing I’m gonna have to relive this shit when I bring it all up. “Come on, that’s all you need to know for now. One thing at a time and right now, you need a shower.” I look at her hand then at the house. “Come on, it’s not that bad. I’ll start cleaning. You don’t want to piss my husband off any more, do you?” She smiles down at me with an acceptance I hardly deserve.
“On a scale of one to ten, how pissed is he?” I take her hand and let her help me up.
“Jesse, I can’t even count that high. But it’s okay, because we love you. And you’re going to fix this.” She says so matter-of-factly, I want to believe her.
“And Bell?” I ask, wondering how I could possibly fix anything with her.
“Right now, I don’t know what your chances are. You messed up the most with her.” The frankness of her words is like a slap in the face.
“I fucking love her, Kadence, and still managed to hurt her the most.” I shake my head, wishing I could take it all back.
“Jesse, we always hurt the ones we love, but what hurts more, is being loved by those who we hurt. She still loves you. It’s up to you to decide what you’re going to do with that love.” She steps forward and wraps her arms around my waist. “But to make it simple for you, you should just let her love you,” she whispers, laying it out.
“You’re cute when you’re smart.” An undertone of teasing slips past my lips, my attempt to lighten the mood.
“Don’t lay it on me, Jesse Carter.” She laughs, steps back and smacks at my chest.
“Don’t fuckin’ flirt with my woman, fucker. Why are you still not in the shower?” Nix walks back in, breaking our moment.
“Yeah, yeah, asshole. I’m going.” I wave him off, kiss Kadence on the cheek, and then head toward the bathroom.
Before I leave I stop and turn back. “Thank you.” I wait for them to look up. “I know I fucked up, but thanks for not walking out on me.”
“We’re family, Jesse. As much as you’re a pain in my ass, we stick together. Don’t forget it. Now for the love of God, get in the fucking shower.” Nix throws a shirt at my head. Catching it, I turn, knowing he’s right. We’re family. Not by blood but by love. And sometimes those families are stronger.
“Look what the cat dragged in.” Conner’s grin spreads wide as I walk into the rehabilitation center a week later.
“Not you too.” I roll my eyes at his choice of words, but don’t say anything else. I’ve been hearing it since I’ve been back. Small jabs from my brothers. Pissed off glances from Jackson. And unspoken words shared between everyone around me. To say it’s been a long week would be an understatement.
“How you been, brother?” He turns, steps forward and extends his good arm out to me.
“Better than before.” I reach forward and take his hand in mine. I knew out of everyone Conner would be the most welcoming.
“How’s it going with you? New leg settling in okay?” I look down at his new prosthetic, and berate myself for not checking in enough.
“Yeah, much better fit. Hopefully, this was the last round of surgery.” He shrugs, still not letting it get him down. “How about you, how you coping?”
“Getting there, just one day at a time, you know?” Ever since I got back last week, I’ve been trying to get back into the swing of things. The club had a dinner and I was able to talk to everyone. Made sure they knew I was getting my shit together. Sure they were pissed at some things I’d done, but in the end, they had my back. “Between club shit, Liquid, and my brothers, things have been a blur.”
“You spoken to Bell yet?”
I look up at her name but shake my head. “Not yet. Working up to that one.” The truth is I’m not even sure what to do about Bell. It’s been almost three weeks since we’ve spoken. I’ve wanted to call every day I’ve been back, but something is still holding me back.
“Good plan. A woman like Bell deserves more from you, Jesse.”
“What would you know about women, asshole,” I joke, but falter when I see his smile thin out.
“I know you had a good one. Know you lost her too. Also know she deserves more, Jesse. This guilt bullshit, it’s gotta end if you want a life with her.”
“You warning me off my girl, Conner?” My hands clench at my side, knowing I need the kick up the ass, but not expecting it from him.
“Nah, man. Opposite. I want you to fight for her, Jesse. I want you to sort your shit out. Drop this guilt you think you have because of me and win her back. I wanted to die. Yes. But you didn’t let me. Do I think about that every day of my life, wishing you let me go? No. I think about how grateful I am I survived. I wasn’t meant to die, Jesse. I know that now. I wish you could see it too.” Needing a moment to process everything he just confessed, I move over to a chair. Yeah, we’ve talked about this in the past, but maybe today is the first time I’ve allowed myself to actually listen.
“I guess I just always felt you didn’t want this life, Conner. That day, it plays over in my mind most nights, seeing you laying there and pleading with me…” I let the memory trail off.
“It’s the life I’ve been given, Jesse. Not saying it’s not hard, ‘cause it is sometimes, but I’m not going to let it control me. It’s been five years. Fifteen surgeries, months and months of rehab. Do you think I’m giving up? Fuck no. So I’m not accepting this from you. You have a chance at happiness. Don’t fucking blow it.” I look up and see one of my best friends surviving in this world. Not only existing, but living. Constantly fighting, not once in a while, but every single day, and a new hope stirs in my belly. This man, this hero hasn’t given up after everything he has been handed.
Why should I?
“Where the fuck is it?” I curse, searching through my bag two hours later. After leaving Conner to finish out his physical therapy, I took a ride to clear my head. I knew I had a long road ahead of me, but after one real conversation with Conner, it was as if a new light had set fire in me. I could see more clearly. Just because I had been living a life I didn’t want, didn’t mean Conner was. I had painted him in the same light I saw myself. Instead of letting go and taking his word for it, I held on to a false sense of guilt for surviving. The irony was, out of the two of us, I was the one perishing. And after finally realizing it, I knew things had to change. Conner was right. I had a real shot at happiness with Bell, if I could just set this shit with my father aside.