In his room, he showered and shaved and dressed. Already regret was working at him, the grave, reflective doubts. He thought of the odd little oracle of the afternoon, but she was now no more than an ugly child with no authority, and he went for his Scotch and found the bottle empty. Going to the telephone, he ordered another bottle and sat down to wait for it. When the bottle arrived in the hands of a bellhop, he paid the bellhop and poured three fingers and sat down again. He drank the Scotch a finger at a time and began to feel better.
Section 4
She was lying on the bed, just lying there quietly on her back and looking up at the ceiling and trying not to think about the wrong things, when someone knocked on the door. She continued to lie without moving until the knocking had stopped and started again after an interval, and then she got up and took an empty glass and a half-empty bottle of whiskey off the bedside table and carried them into the bathroom. Returning without them, she went to the door and opened it, and Carl came in.
“How are you, Lisa?” he said.
“All right. I was resting.”
“I’m sorry I disturbed you.”
“You know I didn’t mean that.”
He could smell the whiskey on her breath, and it bothered him. If she drank to excess in the bar or in company, he thought nothing of it, but when she drank in her room he immediately began to worry, because it seemed to him that solitary drinking was a bad sign. He walked over to the glass wall and stood with his back to her.
“I’d like to talk honestly with you, Lisa.”
“I’ve been honest with you, Carl. I made up my mind to be, and I’ve been.”
“I know. I believe you have. How are you feeling?”
“Most of the time I feel good. Sometimes depressed. Not for any particular reason. It’s just something I can’t help.”
“Are you depressed now?”
“A little.”
“What have you been thinking about?”
“Nothing much. I’ve been trying not to think at all.”
“We’re returning north Saturday, you know.”
“Yes, I know.”
“What will you do when you get there? Have you thought about that?”
“I’ve thought about it, but I don’t know. I guess I’ll get an apartment and a job and go on living.”
“I’ll help you financially, of course. But that isn’t the first consideration. Will you be safe?”
“Safe? I’m not sure I know what you mean.”
“Yes, you do. I mean, will you go back to the other life?”
“I don’t know.”
“I wish you would be a little more certain about it.”
“I would be more certain if I could, but I can’t. I don’t know.”
“I am willing to pay for a psychiatrist if you think it will help. Do you think it would?”
“I don’t know about that, either. It might help, but I don’t know.”
He turned away from the window and came over and took her by the arms from the front and looked into her eyes.
“I love you, Lisa. I have always loved you in spite of everything, and I’m very worried about you.”
“I know that. I didn’t know it before, but now I do. It makes me want to cry, but I find that I am no longer able.”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.”
“Would you be willing to follow my advice?”
“I would be willing to try.”
He released her arms and went over to a chair and sat down.
“I was just talking to Avery Lawes on the terrace.”
“Oh?”
“You’ve been seeing Avery often, haven’t you?”
“Every night. Sometimes in the day. I thought you wanted me to. I know you never said it, but I had the feeling you wanted it.”
“So I did. I had the idea you would benefit from a normal relationship.”
“That’s what I thought you thought.”
“Well, how do you feel about him?”
“I don’t feel anyway about him. Neither one way nor another.”
“You aren’t repelled by him?”
“No. He’s all right to be with. He doesn’t disturb me.”
“Perhaps that’s a good sign.”
“Perhaps.”
“It might be the beginning of something more positive, I mean. He comes from an extremely good family.”
“That’s what you said.”
“He’s quite wealthy, I believe. He’s the last of the family, too. He lives by himself in a large house. His father died only last summer.”
“He told me that.”
“Yes. Well, as I said, I was just talking to Avery on the terrace. The truth is, he is going to ask you to marry him.”
“When?”
“Probably tonight. He wants the marriage performed before I leave on Saturday. How do you feel about it?”
“Terrified.”
“Why? There’s no need for that.”
“Isn’t there?”
“Oh, I know what you mean. You mean you will not be able to function as a wife. But you will. I’m convinced of that. At first it will be only a matter of submission, of compelling yourself to accept him passively, but later you will learn to find pleasure in him. In your relationship. It’s normal, Lisa. It’s the way men and women are supposed to be. Surely, if you give yourself the chance, it will be easier after a while to be normal, the way you’re supposed to be, than to be the way that was never intended. That’s only common sense.”
“If only it were so simple.”
“You must have a chance, Lisa. And to have a chance, you must take a chance. You would have wealth and a fine home. You would have a high position in society and would be respected automatically. It would be a kind of asylum for you. It would give you a chance to make the necessary conversion and to become well.”
“We’re forgetting something, aren’t we?”
“What?”
“Avery. Doesn’t he deserve some consideration? It seems like a dirty trick to play on him. To use him this way.”
“He’s asking of his own will.”
“That’s not the point, Carl. You know it isn’t.”
“It won’t be a dirty trick if you make him a good wife.”
“I’m not at all sure I can make him a good wife.”
“You can. You must believe that you can.”
“He will know something is wrong the first time we are together.”
“Nonsense. He will only think you are frightened and inexperienced. Perhaps somewhat frigid. Many women are like that at first.”
“I don’t know, Carl.”
He got up and took her by the arms again.
“I will tell you something. I will be perfectly frank. I don’t really care a damn about Avery. I am not concerned about him. It is you I’m concerned about. I am willing to ruin him if it is a means of saving you. However, I do not think he will be ruined. I think it will work out for both of you. It is your chance, Lisa, your best and maybe your last chance for the asylum that is necessary in the beginning. You said you trusted me. You said you would try to follow my advice, and now I am asking you to try.”
“Marry Avery?”
“Yes. Will you do it?”
“If you want me to.”
“I do.”
“All right. I will do it for you.”
“Not for me. For you. That’s the way you must think of it.”
“For me, then. I will do it for me.”
He leaned forward suddenly and kissed her on the cheek. His lips on her cool flesh felt dry and hot. “Perhaps I shall see you later downstairs,” he said. Turning, he went over to the door and let himself out, and she walked into the bathroom and got the glass and the whiskey and brought them back and poured some of the whiskey into the glass and drank it. Then she lay down on the bed again and tried to relax completely and make her mind a blank. She was not able to accomplish this completely, but was at least partially successful, and she lay there for a long time, well over an hour, before she got up and went into the bathroom again and stripped and took a cold shower and then, after drying herself, brushed her teeth thoroughly with a dentifrice that was supposed to kill all odors on the breath, including the odor of whiskey.