Tibor said thick-tonguedly, “Well, that ends it all for me.” He had anticipated this off and on during his life, and on this Pilg he particularly felt its closeness. Worry had become a doorway to the real, all at once; it had been an irrational fear that actually worked itself out in reality. He felt animal terror, as if he had been caught in a trap, by his foot—if he had had a foot. The animal gnaws its leg off, he thought in overwhelming panic, to get away. But there’s nothing I can do. I have no leg to gnaw off; there’s nothing I can do to save myself.
“I’ll get help,” the bird said. “Except—” It flew down and came to rest on Tiber’s shoulder. “You’re the only one who can understand me. Write a note and I’ll deliver it.”
With his right manual extensor Tibor got out a black-leather notebook and ballpoint pen. He wrote: “I, Tibor McMasters, an incomplete, am trapped on the hillside in my ruined cart. Follow the bird.”
“Okay,” he said; he folded the paper and held it up. The blue jay seized it with his beak, and then, pumping himself up into the warm morning air, he streaked off, toward the valley below and its human—or near-human—inhabitants.
Silence.
Maybe I’ll never move forward again, Tibor said to himself. My grave, here. The tomb for my ambitions. Or rather, the ambitions of others operating through me. Yes, my ambitions, too, he realized. I didn’t have to come here; I knew the dangers and yet I came here. So it’s really my fault. To come here and die, so close to what I’m seeking for. Assuming that this was the right place to come.
“Screw it,” he said aloud.
The cow turned questioningly. Savagely he flicked at it with his pseudowhip. The cow mooed and tried to walk ahead. But the front axle dug deep into the ground and brought the forward motion to an abrupt halt. All I can do is wait, he realized. If the bird doesn’t come back, or doesn’t bring someone with it, then I’m dead. Here in this ordinary spot. I journeyed here to die. And the God of Wrath will never be found… at least not by me.
And now what? he asked himself. He examined his watch; the time was nine-thirty. If they’re coming at all they should be here by eleven, he decided. If they’re not here by then—
Then, he thought, I will give up.
“I would have liked to see a geryon,” he said aloud, as if to the cow. Maybe I ought to let you go, he pondered. No; if they do come with help I will need you.
“ ‘Cow, cow,’ “ he quoted. “ ‘I and thou.’ “ He would have liked to go on with the James Stephens poem, but he could not remember any more. ‘Looking in each other’s eyes?’ Was that it?
How banal, he thought.
Strange, he thought, how at crucial and unfortunate times one relies not on great poetry but on doggerel. ‘When that one great scorer comes to total up your name it’s not whether you won or lost but how you played the game.’ That’s it, he realized. Poetry, even great poetry, couldn’t be any better.
I’ve played the game with honesty and skill, he informed himself.
“ ‘If wishes were horses then beggars might ride,’ “ he quoted aloud. Silence, except for the breathing of himself and the cow—the animal still strained to reach some lush weeds not far off. “You’re hungry,” he said to her. So am I, he thought. And then he thought, That is how both of us will die: of thirst and hunger. We will drink our own urine to stay alive a little longer, he realized. And it won’t help.
My life depends on a creature small enough to fit in my hand, he thought. A mutant jay bird… and jays are noted for their lying, stealing ways. A jay is virtually a convict. Why couldn’t it have been a thrush?
He thought then of a thought which had buffeted him for years. A picture of a creature, some kind of fairly small furred animal. The animal, silently and alone, at its burrow, would build gay and complex oddities, which eventually, when there were enough, it at last carried to a nearby road. There it would set up shop, spreading out on each side of it the things it had made. It sat there in silence all day, waiting for someone to come along and buy one of the things it had made. Time would pass; afternoon would disappear into evening; the world would darken. But the creature had not sold any of its creations. At last, in the glooming, it would wordlessly, meekly, gather up its oddities and go off with them, defeated, but voicing no complaint. Yet its defeat was total, despite the fact that the defeat came slowly, amid silence. As he himself sat here, waiting. He would, like the creature, wait and wait; the world would grow dark, then lighten the next day. And so it would go, again. Until at last he would not awaken with the sun; there would be no more silent hope—only an inert body slumped in the seat of the cart. I must let the cow loose eventually, he realized. But I’ll keep her here as long as I can. It is reassuring to see another creature, he decided. At least as long as it’s not suffering.
Are you suffering? he wondered. No, you don’t understand; for you it’s only a period of immobility, with no recognition of what the immobility signifies.
“Lord of Wrath,” he said aloud, voicing the familiar liturgy. “Come to me. Scourge me over all and take me with you to Country. Place me among the ranks of the Great Florist.” He waited, eyes shut. No response. “Are you with me?” he asked. “Sir, you who have done so much; you who control all suffering. Redeem me from my present suffering. You made it happen; you are responsible for my travail. Lift me out of it as only you can do, Deus Irae.”
At that he paused and waited. Still no response, either in the world outside him or in the internal realm of his mind.
I will consult—hell, not consult; beg—the older God to appear, he told himself. The defeated, vestigial religion of our forefathers.
Still nothing. Neither had helped.
But His ways are sometimes slow, he reflected. His time is not our time; for Him it may be only a blink of the eye.
“I give up,” he said aloud, and felt himself, his body, do so. All at once he was tired; in fact he could not hold his head up. Maybe this is the release I asked for, he thought. Maybe He will give me a nice death, a painless one: swift and quiet. A sort of going to sleep, as they used to provide sick or injured pet animals… whom they loved.
Bits and pieces of the old mass, or was it from a medieval poem? A Catholic requiem?
He could remember nothing more. The hell with it, he decided. They never come when you want them, he told himself.
A great clear light formed in the sky above him. He peeped, half blinded, shielding his eyes with the terminal of his left manual gripper. The clear light sank toward him; now it had become smoky red, a billowing, nebulous disk that seemed heated up and inflamed, angry from within. And now it could be heard: a sizzling racket like rushing wind or something white-hot being plunged furiously into water. A few initial warm drops of moisture dripped down on him. The particles scalded him and, instinctively, he shoved his body aside.
The disk above him grew into a more formed—but still plastic—state. He could make out features on its surface: eyes, a mouth, ears, tangled hair. The mouth was screaming at him, but he could not make out the words. “What?” he said, still gazing upward. He saw now that the face was angry, at him. What had he done to displease it? He did not even know who or what it was.
“You mock at me!” the shifting, vibrating, weepy face roared. “I am a candle to you, a dim light leading into light. See what I can do to save you if I wish. How easy it is.” The mouth of the face bubbled with words. “Pray!” the face demanded. “On your hands and knees!”