“Depression. But it was a long time ago.”
“Yeah?”
“I was hearing voices; afraid to go out; I couldn’t remember things; some hallucinations—the whole bit. It was right after I finished my first year of college. When I was nineteen. I used to drink a lot, too.”
“What did the voices say?”
He shrugged. “Nothing. Singing…a lot, but in some other language. And calling to me. It wasn’t like you’d hear a real voice—”
“It was inside your head?”
“Sometimes. When it was singing. But there’d be a real sound, like a car starting, or maybe somebody would close a door in another room: and you’d think somebody had called your name at the same time. Only they hadn’t. Then, sometimes you’d think it was just in your mind when somebody had; and not answer. When you’d find out, you’d feel all uncomfortable.”
“I bet you would.”
“Actually, I felt uncomfortable about all the time…But, really, that was years back.”
“What did the voices call you—when they called?”
At the middle of the next block, Tak said:
“Just thought it might work. If I snuck up on it.”
“Sorry.” The clumsiness and sincerity of Tak’s amateur therapy made him chuckle. “Not that way.”
“Got any idea why it happened? I mean why you got—depressed, and went into the hospital in the first place?”
“Sure. When I got out of high school, upstate, I had to work for a year before I could go into college. My parents didn’t have any money. My mother was a full Cherokee…though it would have been worth my life to tell those kids back in the park, the way everybody goes on about Indians today. She died when I was about fourteen. I’d applied to Columbia, in New York City. I had to have a special interview because even though my marks in high school were good, they weren’t great. I’d come down to the city and gotten a job in an art supply house—that impressed hell out of them at the interview. So they dug up this special scholarship. At the end of the first term I had all B’s and one D—in linguistics. By the end of the second term, though, I didn’t know what was going to happen the next year. I mean about money. I couldn’t do anything at Columbia except go to school. They’ve got all sorts of extracurricular stuff, and it costs. If that D had been an A, I might have gotten another scholarship. But it wasn’t. And like I said, I really used to drink. You wouldn’t believe a nineteen-year-old could drink like that. Much less drink and get anything done. Just before finals I had a breakdown. I wouldn’t go outside. I was scared to see people. I nearly killed myself a couple of times. I don’t mean suicide. Just with stupid things. Like climbing out on the window ledge when I was really drunk. And once I knocked a radio into a sink full of dishwater. Like that.” He took a breath “It was a long time ago. None of that stuff bothers me, really, anymore.”
“You Catholic?”
“Naw. Dad was a little ballsy, blue-eyed Georgia Methodist—” that memory’s vividness surprised him too—“when he was anything. We never lived down south, though. He was in the Air Force most of the time when I was a kid. Then he flew private planes for about a year. After that he didn’t do much of anything. But that was after Mom died…”
“Funny.” Tak shook his head in self-reproach. “The way you just assume all the small, dark-complected brothers are Catholic. Brought up a Lutheran, myself. What’d you do after the hospital?”
“Worked upstate for a while. DVR—Division of Vocational Rehabilitation—was going to help me get back in school, soon as I got out of Hillside. But I didn’t want to. Took a joyride with a friend once that ended up with me spending most of a year cutting trees in Oregon. In Oakland I worked as a grip in a theater. Wasn’t I telling you about…No, that was the girl in the park. I traveled a lot; worked on boats. I tried school a couple more times, just on my own—once, in Kansas, for a year, where I had a job as a super for a student building. Then again in Delaware.”
“How far on did you get?”
“Did fine the first term, each place. Fucked up the second. I didn’t have another breakdown or anything. I didn’t even drink. I just fucked up. I don’t fuck up on jobs, though. Just school. I work. I travel. I read a lot. Then I travel some more: Japan. Down to Australia—though that didn’t come out too well. Bumming boats down around Mexico and Central America.” He laughed. “So you see, I’m not a nut. Not a real one, anyway. I haven’t been a real nut in a long time.”
“You’re here, aren’t you?” Tak’s Germanic face (with its oddly Negroid nose) mocked gently. “And you don’t know who you are.”
“Yeah, but that’s just ’cause I can’t remember my—”
“Home again, home again.” Tak turned into a doorway and mounted the wooden steps; he looked back just before he reached the top one. “Come on.”
There was no lamppost on either corner.
At the end of the block, a car had overturned in a splatter of glass. Nearer, two trucks sat on wheelless hubs—a Ford pickup and a GM cab—windshields and windows smashed. Across the street, above the loading porch, the butcher hooks swung gently on their awning tracks.
“Are we going in the way you came out…?”
The smoke around the building tops was luminous with dawn.
“Don’t worry,” Tak grinned. “You’ll get used to it.”
“I remembered you being on the other side of the…” He looked across, again, at the three-foot concrete platform that stretched beneath the awning along the building opposite.
“Come on.” Tak took another step. “Oh—One thing. You’ll have to park your weapon at the door.” He pointed vaguely at the orchid. “Don’t take offense. It’s just a house rule.”
“Oh, sure. Yeah.” He followed Tak up the steps. “Here, just a second.”
“Put it behind there.” Tak indicated two thick asbestos-covered pipes inside the doorway. “It’ll be there when you come back.”
He unsnapped the wrist band, slipped his fingers from the harness, bent to lay the contraption on the floor behind the pipes.
Tak, already at the head of a dim stairwell, started down.
He stood up and hurried after.
“Fifteen steps.” Tak was already invisible below him. “It’s pretty dark so you better count.”
There was no bannister so he kept one hand on the wall. His wrist prickled where the orchid’s collar had been. Hairs, drying now, pulled, tickling, from his skin. Every other step his bare foot hit the stair edge, heel on gritty marble, ball and toes hanging. Tak’s boots thudded below…Thirteen…fourteen…The last step still surprised him.
“Back this way.”
He followed through the dark. The cement under his bare foot was very warm.
The steps ahead changed timbre. “Steps up now…”
He slowed.
“…don’t get lost.”
This time he found a rail.
He could anticipate landings from the variations in Loufer’s gait. After the third flight, faint lines near head height indicated doors.
Rhythm is the only thing secure. In this darkness, rising, I recall the Pacific stars. This ritual ascendance goes on in a city that has erased them and blurred its sun out altogether. Iron Wolf has something. I want it without the bother of definitions. The dangerous illumination, the light in the exploding eye, is not for this other city.