“I was,” Suzie said. “Air Force. I have a master’s degree in aeronautics and I spent almost ten years flying C5s out of Travis Air Force base up north. I decided to take them up on their generous offer to pay me to leave during the downsizing after the Gulf War. I’ve been flying for Peterson ever since.”
“Impressive resume,” Celia said. “What about you ... was it Mark?”
“It was,” he said. “I’ve never done any military time myself, but I’ve been flying planes since I was sixteen. Got my commercial license five years ago and I’ve been with Petersen since ninety-two.”
“Well, it seems like we’ll be in good hands,” Celia said.
“You will be,” Suzy said. “We’re a good team, Mark and I, and this is a great aircraft. It may not be a luxury ship, but it’ll get us where we’re going quickly and safely.” She looked at the baggage on the ground. “I see that everyone followed instructions and brought only one bag apiece. I trust that none of those bags weigh more than fifty pounds, right?”
All agreed that their bags were under the weight limit.
“Okay then,” Suzy went on. “Since this is the first of many flights we’re going to share, let’s cover the boarding procedure right now and then I’ll open up the aircraft and get you all in there. You’ll notice that Mark is carrying a scale with him. I know people are sensitive about their weight, but prior to getting on the aircraft each and every piece of baggage and each person will be weighed beforehand on every single trip ... without exception. This is not a 747 we’re flying here, and total weight of passengers and cargo is something we have to factor in to make sure we stay balanced in flight and that we don’t exceed maximum takeoff weight when we add fuel. So, you’re going to have to get used to that, okay?”
There was a little grumbling but no actual protests.
“Very good,” Suzie said. “And as for your baggage, it will be stowed in the front of the plane on each flight, inaccessible while we’re in the air, so any personal items like music players, video players, writing materials, or anything else you want to use to entertain yourself in flight, must be carried aboard with you and weighed with you before boarding. Mark and I will load your luggage into the compartment. None of you are to ever place anything in there yourselves. Again, this is for proper weight distribution, not because we’re control freaks. We know how to put your bags in there so they are balanced and don’t move around in flight. You do not. Are we clear on that point?”
Everyone was clear.
“And speaking of baggage, I want it made clear that nothing dangerous or illegal is to be brought aboard, either on your person or in your baggage. Nothing that shoots, blows up, is full of compressed gas, or that will attract the attention of the DEA—like cocaine or heroin or meth. If you should happen to slip a little baggie of weed in your baggage, that’s not a big deal—just don’t tell me about it—but if I find out you are transporting any of that other shit, I will personally call the cops on you. Are we clear on that?”
They were.
“There is no smoking on this aircraft—no smoking of anything—but there is a small bar aboard if you’d like to have a few drinks in flight. There is no flight attendant and Mark and I are not servants, so you make your own drinks if you want them and you throw away the little plastic cups when you’re done. There is one bathroom aboard. It’s in the rear of the aircraft and it is tiny. It is also the one that Mark and I have to use if the need comes upon us, so please try to keep it reasonably clean and we would appreciate it if nothing weird occurred in there.”
“Define ‘weird’,” said Charlie.
“Anything other than urination, defecation, or washing your hands in that bathroom would be weird in my book,” Suzie told him.
“Uh ... okay,” Charlie said, “but what about...”
“Anything other than urination, defecation, or washing your hands,” Suzie reiterated. “It’s a simple guideline.”
“Okay,” Charlie said with a sigh.
“And now the most important rule,” Suzie said. “Once we step onto the aircraft and close those doors, I am unquestionably in charge. Mark is unquestionably second-in-command. You will do anything we tell you to do as soon as we tell you to do it whether you agree with it or not. There will be no deviation from this rule and no negotiation with it. I am the captain, Mark is the first officer, and you are the passengers. Are we all clear on that?”
Everyone was clear on that.
“Very good,” Suzie said. “Any questions?”
“I have one,” Charlie said.
Suzie sighed. “Does it have to do with the bathroom?”
“No, it has to do with high altitude bacteria.”
“High altitude bacteria?” Suzie repeated slowly.
“Right,” Charlie said. “I’m assuming this plane has some sort of HEPA filtration system to keep dangerous microbes from the stratosphere out of our breathing air in the cabin?”
Suzie licked her lips a little. She looked over at Celia. Celia, hiding a smile, gave her a little nod.
“Uh ... yes,” Suzie said. “Of course we have a HEPA filtration system for the air. Not only that, we also have an ultraviolet sterilizer downstream of it to zap any bacteria that manage to get through the HEPA filter.”
Charlie was impressed. “Cool,” he said. “I didn’t know that technology was available yet.”
“It’s a prototype,” Suzie said. “We’re among the first to test it out.”
“It’s about time someone started taking high altitude microbes seriously,” Charlie said happily.
“Right,” Suzie said. “Any other questions?” She looked at Coop, who was raising his hand. “Coop. What do you want to know?”
“I’m just wondering,” he said. “You’re like a lesbian, right?”
“Coop!” Celia barked, horrified.
Suzie glared at him. “I hardly think my sexual orientation is any of your business, any of your concern, or has any bearing on this discussion,” she told him icily.
“Hey,” Coop said appeasingly. “I wasn’t tryin’ to piss you off or nothing. And I don’t care if you like to munch clam—hell, I do it all the time myself—I was just curious about the whole Air Force thing. I thought they didn’t allow lesbos in the service back when you woulda started. How’d that shit work?”
“Madres de Dios, Coop,” Celia muttered.
Suzie took a deep breath. “They didn’t ask,” she said. “And I didn’t tell. Now, any more relevant questions that concern the operation of this aircraft?”
There were no more.
“All right,” Suzie said. “Mark’s going to open the aircraft up. Form a line, with luggage in hand, and we’ll get you all weighed.”
They formed a line. Celia pulled rank and put herself first. She stepped forward and placed her bag on the scale—it was forty-two pounds. She then stepped onto it herself.
“One-fifty-eight,” Suzie said, noting this down on a chart. “How tall are you, Celia?”
“Five-eleven and a half,” Celia said.
Suzie nodded appreciatively, her eyes looking the singer up and down for a moment. “You keep yourself in good shape.”
“Thanks,” Celia said with a smile. “I’m sorry about Coop. He’s a great drummer but sometimes his mouth just ... you know?”
Suzie shrugged. “And I’m sorry if I came across as a hard-ass. I’m really not one, not unless I have to be. I just need to establish the rules before we get on the plane for the first time.”
“You did a good job with that,” Celia said.
“Glad to hear it,” Suzie said. She gave another appraising look to Celia’s form, not bothering to hide her interest. “I think we’re going to have a lot of fun on this tour.”
Celia returned the smile. “Maybe,” she said.
Even though Brainwash wouldn’t arrive on the west coast until June 6th, and wouldn’t need accommodations in Coos Bay until June 21st, the house on the cliff there became available for the use of KVA Records on May 30. This was because the owners would only agree to reserving the house for KVA during the lucrative summer vacation period if KVA would rent it for the entire season. Jake, who was in charge of the Brainwash Project and whose motto most of the time was ‘it’s only money’, simply cut them a check.