My fourth man and my fifth man
Were not worth calling back
One sold insurance but lacked endurance
The other pushed a hack
I’ve had a lot of men since then
From Burt Reynolds to Jean-Paul Sartre
But they don’t do a thing, bells refuse to ring
They never touch my heart
CHORUS
They were good men, they were true men, Masters of the lover’s arts
They touched all the right buttons But they never touched my heart
Now I don’t give up so easy I’m always ready to try
I’ll stop my bitching and keep on pitching
’til I find that special guy
I know he’s waiting there somewhere
To upset my applecart
A magic new man, a superhuman
A man to touch my heart
CHORUS
He’ll be a good man, he’ll be a true man
A master of the lover’s art
But if he makes me believe that he needs me...
He just might touch my heart.
The audience loves the song all the way through and goes crazy at the end. SOPHIE vamps a guy in the audience and he does a double take. He is embarrassed, like when you were a kid and the magician called you to be a volunteer on stage. He gets up there finally and she begins to open his pants, etc.
Ach, my dear, I am a married man!
Well, I’m no virgin myself, honey.
But what will I tell my wife?
(Mit German accent.) Tell her you were only following orders. (That’s enough for him, and away they go. They wind up in some fantastic number and there is tremendous applause — throughout these sex scenes we intercut shots of the absorbed and appreciative audience. Then SOPHIE picks another volunteer from the audience, a painted-up doll whom we, having seen the script, know to be a TRANSVESTITE. SOPHIE and the TRANSVESTITE exchange a long groping kiss while the FIRST STOOGE stands behind the TRANSVESTITE and plays with his breasts and ass, etc.
It’s funny, liebchen. I don’t usually turn on to girls.
Neither do I, doll.
But there’s something about you that gets to me...
Maybe it’s... this!
And the TV lifts his skirt to display his cock, which gets wild applause from the audience, delight from SOPHIE, and the proper sort of shocked dismay from the FIRST STOOGE. They get into another delicious sexual number with the TV and the FIRST STOOGE both socking it to SOPHIE, the TV wearing as much drag as possible, just exposing his cock. Fantastic trio number and more applause. Then she gets three more guys on stage and they wind up in the flying wedge, which will not be described until we have confirmation of our international copyrights. Intercut shots of audience reaction throughout. The sequence winds up with all five guys coming in the aforementioned flying wedge. They’re destroyed, and we have a shot of the whole audience rising in a body and moving toward the stage, and SOPHIE hasn’t made it and isn’t going to, and she reacts in alarm to these dozens of potential fuckers approaching her, and
Pluto, um (Snap of fingers and away we go.)
Bit: The PIANO PLAYER who has accompanied her song also stays at the piano during the sex number, and plays various shit for us. We intercut shots of him at the piano, playing away but looking with longing at SOPHIE. Finally he can’t stand it, and leaps from the piano, tears off his clothes, and heads for the sex pile-up, and we have a shot of a player piano tinkling away without him.
211. Human chessboard. Start shot on a girl from above. A tight shot and pullback to reveal the entire thing. This can be staged anywhere we can get a floor with a large checkerboard pattern. There are sixteen white pieces and sixteen black pieces and they are just that — sixteen white girls and sixteen black girls occupying various squares on the board. We have a short montage among the girls. They all have worried expressions on their faces.
212. Same scene viewed from behind a window looking down on the chessboard. It is the interior of MADGE’S office and MADGE is looking down, studying the board. PLUTO is standing next to her. MADGE has a telephone in her hand. She has a public address mike in her other hand. She speaks into the mike and the telephone.
Bishop...
213. Shot of girl’s face on the board. MADGE’S voice is very boomy.
...takes pawn.
214. Shot of MADGE’S face through the window from the chessboard side of the window. A zoom in to her face. She is smiling sardonically.
215. Shot of the board POV MADGE. We see the BLACK BISHOP advancing on a WHITE PAWN.
216. Shot of the WHITE PAWN POV BLACK BISHOP.
217. Shot of the WHITE PAWN cowering on her square. Look of terror on her face. She is shaking her head and silently mouthing the words “no, no, no...” Then—
No, no, please, not me...
218. Short montage of the other pieces on the board. Facial close-ups. The black pieces are happy, the white pieces are sad. All are watching the WHITE PAWN.
219. Wider shot of the BLACK BISHOP reaching the WHITE PAWN.
220. Shot through the girls on the square and we see two guys with horns, tails, tridents, red body-stockings advancing also to the square. They lead the WHITE PAWN off. Dragging her and pulling her.
221. Close on the face of the WHITE PAWN as she is led off.
222. Overhead shot. Pullback to get MADGE and PLUTO in the frame.
223. Wider two-shot of PLUTO and MADGE. We can no longer see the board but the positions of MADGE and PLUTO are unchanged. There is a long horrible scream ending in death. MADGE and PLUTO turn from the window. She’s got the phone in her hand and she looks sorry-about-that about the girl’s death.
(To PLUTO.) So it goes. The breaks of the game. (Into phone.) I’ve got business, Gabriel. I’ll get back to you. (Hangs up phone.)
224. Another two-shot. MADGE folds into the chaise and proceeds to light another cigarette.
Quite a pair of lungs on that girl.
I noticed.
(Puff, puff.) I mean the lungs she was screaming with. Well, all in a day’s work. The cabaret number fell flat, huh?
You might say that.
225. PLUTO POV MADGE. He’s gotten up and is pacing again.
It was Rasputin all over again. She was into it a little more, but the outcome was no different. (Beat.) I’m almost afraid to tell you what she wants now.
226. Close on MADGE.