“That’s good,” said Razor, with evident relief. “The thought that there might be someone else just like Jaybird running around loose on the planet just bothered the fuck out of me for some reason.”
Murdock went back out the window. “Good climbing technique,” he said conversationally.
Razor stuck his head out his window and immediately regretted it. “I don’t believe it,” he moaned. “He is absolutely stark fucking naked.”
“Actually,” said Murdock, “that ought to help your climbing. You know, you’re supposed to lean away from the rock. If you don’t have any clothes on, you automatically lean away so your Johnson won’t get scraped off.” He paused. “I wouldn’t want to be a tenant sitting out on my balcony right now, though.”
“Am I even here?” Razor Roselli demanded of the heavens. “Why can’t this just be a nightmare? What did I do to deserve this?”
“What didn’t you do?” Murdock retorted.
Jaybird Sterling jumped down onto the second-floor balcony, swung out over the railing, and finished off his trip to the ground by shinnying down a drainpipe. When he hit the ground he spit something he’d been carrying in his mouth out into his hand. Murdock honked the horn and flashed the headlights.
Jaybird made a loping run to the pickup. He tried the door, but Razor had it locked.
Sterling knocked on the window, grinning good-naturedly. “Hey, Chief, could you let me in?”
“Let him in, for crying out loud,” said Murdock. “I’d like to get the hell out of here before the cops come.”
“Only if you make it an order, sir,” said Razor, while Jaybird waited patiently outside. “Consider it so,” Murdock sighed.
Razor unlocked the door and slid over. Jaybird hopped in and sat down. Murdock gunned the engine and pulled out.
“Morning, sir,” Jaybird said pleasantly. “Morning, Chief. Sorry to drag you out here.”
Razor began darkly, “You dirty-“
“Excuse me, sir,” Jaybird interrupted. “You wouldn’t happen to have a blanket or something?”
“No,” said Murdock.
“Too bad,” said Jaybird, crossing his legs delicately.
Razor Roselli was talking unintelligibly to himself.
“Your ass is going back out on the street,” said Murdock. “Unless I hear a story right quick.”
“Well, sir,” said Jaybird. “I was in a bar last night, and I met this girl.”
“Imagine that,” muttered Razor.
“This was one in a million, sir,” Jaybird reported. “I was just sitting there having a beer, and this beautiful girl walks right up to me. Brown hair, blue eyes, tits like …” He pantomimed with his hands to give them an idea of the general dimensions. “Before I could say anything, or even buy her a drink, she says, ‘I’ve been watching you for a while. I think you’d better come home with me.’”
“Yeah, right,” said Razor Roselli.
“Don’t be too hasty, Chief,” said Murdock. “Take a look at how our boy here is dressed, and judge for yourself how the story is shaping up.”
“Well, when you put it that way,” said Razor.
“I swear it’s the truth, Chief,” said Jaybird. “I was there with my buddy Hanson, from Team One. He was right there, and he couldn’t believe it either.”
“So what did you do?” asked Razor.
“I went home with her,” Jaybird replied, as if he couldn’t believe the question. “We went to the bar in Hanson’s car, but she said she’d drive me back to base.”
“Jaybird,” Razor said wearily, “you must’ve come in on the noon balloon.”
“SEAL groupie,” said Murdock. “Nut-case.”
“Anyway,” said Jaybird, anxious to get back to his story, “we head for her apartment. And all the way there she’s telling me everything she wants to do. She practically rips my clothes off in the elevator. Now, I’m figuring, this is that night, right? The one you’ll remember when you’re eighty and still get hard thinking about it, And if we ended up actually doing everything she was talking about, my picture was going up in some Hall of Fame somewhere, and I’d get a plaque to commemorate the event. And if I died, they’d retire my number.”
“Get on with it,” said Razor.
“Okay,” said Jaybird, “we’re in the apartment, then we’re in the bedroom. You should have seen this painting she had over her bed; I don’t even know where you could buy something like that — Anyway, my clothes are off, and I’ll tell you, Chief, I had a hard-on that could cut glass.”
“And at that point,” said Razor, “she tells you she needs a hundred dollars to pay her mother’s medical bills.”
“I ain’t never paid for it, Chief,” Jaybird protested.
Roselli shot him a disbelieving look.
“Well, not with money,” said Jaybird, grinning, “just little pieces of my heart.”
“That’s why the chicks dig him,” Roselli said to Murdock. He’s deep.”
“Am I ever going to hear this fucking story?” Murdock demanded.
“Like I said,” said Jaybird. “We’re in the bedroom, naked. Then someone starts pounding on the door.”
“Uh, oh,” Razor said facetiously.
“I stay in the bedroom, she goes to answer it,” said Jaybird. “It’s her husband.”
“Who she neglected to mention all this time,” said Murdock.
“Must have forgot,” said Razor. “It’s the oldest one in the book. You’re standing there at attention, he’s got a gun, and it’s going to take the contents of your wallet to make him go away.”
“I wasn’t hanging around for any of that,” said Jaybird. “There was a phone right there, so I made a real quick call to the duty.”
“Good presence of mind,” Murdock conceded.
“Then I went out the window,” said Jaybird. “And over the balcony. And you know, the whole way down I couldn’t stop thinking about everything she said. Took a couple of floors to lose my hard-on.”
“Thanks for sharing that with us,” said Murdock. Then, just for the sake of clarity; “And you did all this without your clothes.”
“They were in the living room.”
“You’re sitting here in the lieutenant’s truck with your wallet and your pager,” Razor said dubiously. “But your clothes are back in her living room?”
“I’m not that green, Chief. I might get separated from my threads, but not my wallet and keys. I stuck ‘em in my mouth when I went over the balcony.”
“I don’t ever want to know how you got them into the bedroom,” said Murdock.
Jaybird opened his mouth.
“I told you I didn’t want to know,” Murdock said.
“Yes, sir.”
“Jaybird,” Murdock said kindly, “do you remember how you got your nickname?”
“Ah, yes, sir.”
“Tell me,” Murdock ordered.
“Well, sir, this girl and I-“
“Sounds familiar, doesn’t it?” said Razor.
“We were getting it on in the ocean, and these people came down to the beach and parked right where we left our clothes. So we had to swim down the beach and escape and evade back to my car-“
“Naked, right?” Murdock interrupted.
“Yes, sir.”
“And you got caught?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And you were Jaybird forevermore. Jaybird?”
“Yes, sir?”
“One time you can put down to carelessness. Twice is starting to look like a personal problem.”
“I see your point, sir. Sir?”
“Yes, Jaybird?”
“I’m never gonna live this one down, am I, sir?”
“No, I wouldn’t think so,” said Murdock.
Especially when they arrived back on base, and Razor Roselli marched Jaybird Sterling right through SEAL Team Seven headquarters on the way to get some clothes. Jaybird handled it well. His general demeanor was the same as that of the Queen of England when greeting her subjects. The SEALS, however, demanded an explanation.