“Hello, ma’am,” said the taller one in a slow, deep voice. “We have a special offer for you from the temple of the lord of sunken dreams.”
“No, thanks,” she said. “I gave at the office.”
She tried to close the door, but the tall one pushed it open. They shoved their way inside. The eyeglasses man pulled a pistol. He didn’t point it at her, but its mere presence was enough to make her raise her hands.
“Are you alone?” he asked.
The taller one said, “Why are you asking her that, Eugene? We know she’s not alone. We’ve been watching the place.”
“I was testing her honesty, idiot. And you aren’t supposed to use my name, Rick.” He waved his weapon at Teri. “Okay, miss. Where is everyone else?”
Teri didn’t answer.
“I told you this was a bad idea,” said Rick. “We should’ve waited.”
The gunmen tried to hide their squabbling by whispering. They still didn’t point their weapons directly at her. She could’ve possibly jumped the smaller one and taken away his gun. It might not have been that hard. But his partner wasn’t likely to just stand aside and watch.
The men ordered Teri into the dining room. The serpent god sitting at the table didn’t surprise them, but Eugene waved his gun at Bonnie.
“Who’s this? Who the hell is this, Rick?”
“I dunno. Some lady?”
“You didn’t mention her.”
“So?”
“So you were supposed to be watching.”
“She must’ve gone in when I wasn’t looking.”
“You were on lookout. Do you know what lookout means?”
“She’s just one lady. I don’t see what the big deal is.”
“She’s an unknown quantity.” Eugene pointed. “We have the two followers and the serpent god. And that was supposed to be it.”
“Excuse me.” Quetzalcoatl raised a wing. “I hate to interrupt, but you do know who lives here, right?”
“You’re not allowed to interfere,” said Rick. “That’s against the rules. Tell him, Eugene.”
Quick said, “I know the rules. They aren’t my followers. Not my problem.”
“That’s right.” Eugene smirked. “So shut up. This doesn’t concern you.”
Quick shot across the dining room. He doubled in size, rearing up before the gunmen. His gold and silver scales sparkled, his plumage spread out like a rainbow-colored cobra’s hood, and he opened his jaws wide enough to swallow a human whole. They fell to their knees, cowering before the terrifying deity.
His voice grew rough and rumbling. “You really have thought of everything, haven’t you? I bet you even know that Lucky didn’t come home last night.”
They nodded.
“I can see you’re a couple of sharp guys,” said Quick. “You’d have to be sharp to try something like this. Or stupid. Sharp is keeping a watch on the house before making your move and knowing the rules. But stupid is taunting a god with your over-confidence. Stupid is not understanding that if you smirk at a god who doesn’t have much to lose, he could easily forget the rules and devour two arrogant mortals who are threatening a group of people that he has grown fond of.
“I swore off human flesh a few hundred years ago.” He licked his lips with his long, purple tongue. “But I’m feeling a bit peckish, and I think I just might fall off the wagon. Maybe an apology would help me curb my appetite.”
“We’re sorry,” said Eugene while Rick whimpered.
Chuckling, Quick shrank to his normal human size. “Still got it.” He helped the thugs get to their feet. “If anyone needs me, I’ll be watching Oprah.”
He offered Teri, Phil, and Bonnie a wink. They guessed it was meant to be reassuring, though it would’ve been more reassuring if he’d swallowed the thugs in two bites. He left the room instead.
All the mortals exchanged puzzled glances.
“Okay, then.” Eugene waved his gun in a generally threatening manner. “You can put your hands down.”
“What are you going to do?” asked Phil.
“Quiet!” growled Rick.
Eugene shot him a dirty look, and he shrugged.
“This is nothing personal,” said Eugene. “You seem like nice people. But Gorgoz says you’re supposed to die. And it’s a great chance to earn a few extra points of favor.”
“Pawns of the gods,” added Rick, “carrying on their petty feuds. And if we don’t do it, somebody else will. I know it’s not a great consolation, but the order came down, and we’re just trying to get a jump on this before someone else beats us to it.”
“Showing a little initiative.” Eugene pointed his gun at Teri.
“Wait!” Rick put his hand on his partner’s weapon and pushed it down. “Who is going to shoot who?”
“I thought we discussed this. There are two of them and two of us. We each get one. That’s the only fair way.”
“But what if one is worth more than the other?”
“Gorgoz wants them both dead.”
“But what if he wants one more dead than the other? I need more favor than you. I’m behind on my mortgage.”
Eugene said, “The order didn’t specify a preference.”
“What about that one?” Rick pointed at Bonnie. “Do we have to kill her?”
“I guess. She is a witness, after all. We’ll offer her up as a sacrifice to Gorgoz.”
“Who gets to do it?” asked Rick.
“You do, okay? Happy?”
Rick smiled. “Yes.”
Eugene rolled his eyes, raised his pistol, and cocked the hammer.
Phil stood and stepped between Eugene and his wife. “Kill me. But don’t shoot the women.”
“That’s some misogynistic bullshit.” Teri pushed him aside. “Kill me but let them go.”
“This isn’t a good time for feminism,” he replied.
“Says you.” She turned her eyes away from the guns trained on them. “You know how I feel about women and children first. It puts women in the same category as children. And I am not a child.”
“I wasn’t saying that. I was just trying to be noble.”
“Because it’s the man’s job to be noble,” she said, “and the woman’s job to-”
“Dammit, this is not the time to be having this discussion!”
Bonnie stood. “Shoot me. I’m the one who is going to die anyway. Might as well get it out of the way.”
“Excuse me,” said Eugene. “But this is an assassination, not a negotiation. You’re all going to get shot. There’s no way around that.”
“Although, for the record, miss,” said Rick, “I agree with you that it’s chauvinistic nonsense.”
Teri slapped Phil on the shoulder. “See?”
Rick’s cell rang, and he answered it. “Uh-huh. No, we haven’t done it yet. No. Okay, okay. You’re right. No, I haven’t forgotten about the mortgage. Yes, I take this seriously.”
Eugene cleared his throat loudly.
“Honey, I have to go.” Rick hung up. “She said the raccoon god just left that woman’s apartment. We better do this fast.”
Eugene pointed his gun again. Things were complicated by the three hostages each jostling to be in front of the bullet. He decided to just pull the trigger and let destiny pick the first victim.
His gun didn’t fire.
“What’s wrong?” asked Rick.
“It’s not working.”
“Is it jammed?”
“I don’t know. I’ve never used one of these before.”
“Try the slidey part on top. Isn’t that what they usually do in the movies?”
Eugene fiddled with his weapon. It made a loud clack, and he yelped as it pinched the flesh of his palm.
“Is the safety on?” asked Rick.
“No, the safety isn’t-”
The dining room echoed with the pop of a gunshot. Phil, Bonnie, and Teri checked themselves for holes. After a few seconds, everyone noticed a new hole in Rick’s thigh and a red stain spreading across his slacks. He, oddly, was the last to notice.