“No, I guess it isn’t.”
“I sense in you a lover wronged, a soul in need of divine aid. And I offer my services without obligation. Merely as a favor from one wronged soul to another. I’m the goddess of heartbreak and tragedy. But why don’t you just call me Syph?”
“I’m Christine.”
They sat on the front steps, and Christine told her story. It wasn’t unique. She’d met a guy, dated awhile. Then he’d dumped her. Syph knew that there was nothing tragic or noteworthy about Christine’s failed romance. That didn’t prevent the goddess from empathizing.
“That’s it,” said Christine. “It wasn’t a big deal. Wasn’t like we were planning on getting married or anything. We weren’t even very serious. All I want is my DVD player back. Is that too much to ask?”
“No, it isn’t.”
Syph approached the apartment door.
“It’s locked,” said Christine.
“No earthly lock can prevent the rightful wrath of the scorned lover.”
Syph could’ve blown the door off its hinges or evaporated it or something equally dramatic. But she went the subtle route and turned the handle. The door opened.
Scott was in there, sitting on the couch, watching television. He looked up, potato chip crumbs nestled around the corner of his mouth. Before he could speak, Syph waved her hands to silence him.
“Foolish mortal!” she bellowed loudly enough to shake the walls. “You have wronged this woman, and I come bearing justice in her name and the name of all wronged lovers everywhere! Prepare to be cast into the pits of endless despair where unfathomable horrors shall tear at your flesh and nibble at your genitals beyond the end of time!”
Syph felt invigorated, energized. This was what she was meant to do. She gestured and opened a tear in the time/space continuum. The portal glowed bright green, putting a lime tint on everything in the apartment.
“And now… you…” She turned to Christine. “What was his name again?”
“Scott.”
“And now, Scott. For your transgressions against love, the most heinous and unforgivable act any mortal or god can perform, I cast you into oblivion!”
Syph seized him by the T-shirt and dragged him to the portal. He was still too stunned to respond aside from gaping.
“Wait!” said Christine. “I didn’t think you were allowed to do things like this.”
“Technically, no,” said Syph. “But who is going to tell?”
“I didn’t want this.”
The goddess paused. “But he wronged you.”
“It was just a bad relationship. They happen all the time. Wasn’t even really a relationship.”
“But what about your DVD player?” asked Syph. “Doesn’t it make you mad?”
Christine said, “Well, yeah. It is my DVD player. But I don’t know if that warrants being thrown into Hell. Heck, it’s not even that good a DVD player. Sometimes, it has trouble reading discs.”
“It’s true!” shouted Scott. “That thing is a piece of crap! Never worked right!”
Syph glared. The beasts in the pit howled for his blood.
“Okay, so I should’ve given it back,” he replied. “I’m sorry. I really am. And I’m sorry about that time I got drunk and made out with your sister. Or that time I missed your birthday to go to Atlantic City with the guys so I lied and said my grandma was sick and I needed to fly out of town to see her. And I know I shouldn’t have borrowed two hundred bucks for car repairs when it was really to put the down payment on a big-screen TV, and I can’t blame you for hating me for that time I ran over your mom’s cat and threw it in the garbage before anyone noticed, and-”
He paused to catch his breath.
“You didn’t know about any of that, did you?” he said.
“How long did you date this guy?” asked Syph.
“Three months,” replied Christine. “The sex was really good.”
Scott couldn’t suppress his satisfied grin.
“Toss him,” said Christine.
Syph threw Scott into the swirling vortex. It sealed shut with a satisfied shriek.
“Vengeance is served,” said Syph.
“Wait.” Christine went to the kitchen and grabbed something to drink. “I can’t do that. I can’t send him to Hell just because he was a bad boyfriend.”
“But what about all his sins? Don’t you deserve vengeance?”
Christine shrugged. “I kind of knew he was a loser before we even started dating.”
“But you offered him love, the greatest gift in all of Heaven and Earth-”
“Actually, I never loved him. I’m not sure I even liked him.”
“But you could have,” said Syph. “You could have loved him if he had given you a chance.”
“Not really. I was just looking for a fling when we started dating. Kind of why I asked him out in the first place.”
Syph stammered.
“That DVD player is a piece of crap,” added Christine. “He can keep it.”
Syph snapped her fingers. The portal opened and spat Scott back into the apartment. He was battered, bruised, and scratched, and his clothing was torn, but no serious injuries had taken place.
“You can destroy the TV,” said Christine to the disappointed goddess.
The television fell into the shrieking portal. The unknowable horrors were audibly disappointed not to have a soul to rend, but they satisfied themselves by switching on a baseball game before the portal closed.
“Justice is served.” Syph leveled an accusing finger at Scott, who was too dazed to pay much attention. “May you learn the errors of your ways, heartless mortal. Love is a blessing from above and any fool who spurns it shall face the wrath of the heavens themselves.”
She filled the apartment with absolute silence as she stared deep into his eyes.
“Pray we do not meet again.”
Syph and Christine left the apartment.
“Thanks,” said Christine. “What do I owe you?”
“Oh, it was no problem. I couldn’t take anything.”
“I’ve never actually done this before. Is tipping allowed? Or is that frowned upon?”
“It’s not necessary.”
“I insist. Is five dollars okay?”
Christine handed Syph some cash. The second Syph touched the money, she sensed a surge in the cosmic balance. It wasn’t the money itself, but the act of offering tribute. It had been centuries since Syph had been offered a willing tribute, ages since she’d met a mortal who wasn’t unhappy to know her. She’d forgotten what it felt like.
That was the secret to a god’s power and why she was unable to harm Janet. Lucky was a minor god, but he did have his followers. More than Syph had. It was all about tribute, and she couldn’t match his because she’d spent the past thousand years moping, neglecting her followers.
No wonder Lucky didn’t respect her. She wasn’t much of a goddess at all anymore. Any god in the universe could thwart her power.
“Oh,” Syph said to the departing Christine, “if later tonight you feel like pouring a bottle of wine down the sink in my name, I wouldn’t complain.”
“Sure.”
“The good stuff,” added Syph. “Preferably something that doesn’t come in a box.”
“Okay.” Christine skipped away quickly.
Syph was in mid-transformation when Scott poked his head out of his apartment.
“Uh, excuse me.”
“Yes,” she replied coldly.
“You’re a goddess of scorned lovers?”
“More or less.”
He approached tentatively. “Do you help guys, too? Or do you strictly work for chicks?”
Syph pondered the question. She hadn’t thought about it.
“See, there was this chick named Stella,” he continued, “and she totally screwed me over. She keyed my car. And she faked a pregnancy to get some extra bucks out of me. And she took my dog.”