“I just got popped on a weed charge,” Godo said. “That gonna be a problem?”
Eight
THE DULL CHIME SOUNDED BEYOND THE THICK DOOR. ROQUE cupped his hands, a gust of breath, hoping for warmth. A ten count, longer, then she appeared, dressed in paint-stained sweats, wiping her clay-muddied hands with a towel. Her eyes looked scalded.
“You’re working,” he said, remembering the debris from last night.
She forced him to endure an unnerving silence.
“I thought I’d check in on you. Make sure you’re okay.”
“I’m fine.” Her voice barely a whisper.
Something in her reticence suggested shame. Given his own, Roque found this encouraging. “I was hoping we could talk. I hated leaving this morning, the way things stood.”
Her eyes seemed focused on a spot several feet beyond him. “And how,” she said, “would you say things stood?”
A sudden wind sent a shudder through the chinaberry tree, rattling loose a few pale leaves. “Can I come in?”
Her eyes blinked slowly, just once, like a cat’s. She stepped back and he followed her to the kitchen, grateful for the warmth.
She poured them both tea in the breakfast nook. A wooden statuette of a bodhisattva named Jizo-typically portrayed as a child monk, she’d once explained, guardian of women and travelers, enemy of fear, champion of optimism-rested on a teak-wood platform at the center of the table. Steam frosted the windows looking out on her terraced backyard. In the sink, a drip from the faucet made a soft drumbeat against the blade of a carving knife perched across a bowl.
“Something strange has come up,” he said. “I kinda wanted someone to talk to.”
She sat with her elbows propped on the tabletop, cup lifted, as though to hide behind it. “I thought you wanted to discuss what happened between us.”
“I do. Yes. I’m just saying…” The thumping drip from the sink unnerved him. “Last night, why couldn’t you stop crying?”
She regarded him with sad disbelief, then chuckled. “What a treat it would have been to get asked that at the time.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I gathered that. Or I wouldn’t have let you in.” She brushed a stray lock of hair from her eyes. “What will it take to get you to pay attention to what I’m feeling, Roque?”
“I thought I did pay attention.”
A rueful snort. “We had sex.”
He felt his stomach pitch. The woody scent of the tea didn’t help. “It wasn’t like that.”
“I know it wasn’t. But it wasn’t all loving kindness, either.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Stop saying that, please. You’re being sorry isn’t much help, frankly.” She sat back, glancing out at her dormant garden. “I haven’t much wanted to get into this, but things haven’t been so great for me the past year or so. The drinking tells you that much. That’s new, trust me. I never used to drink, not like now, not till after my divorce.”
She’d been married to an air force captain. “Your husband didn’t love you.”
She made a face, like he’d missed the point entirely. “Yes, he did, Roque. Just badly.”
“Talk like that, anything passes for love.”
“Oh please, just once, try to realize that things are going to look very different to you in a few years, all right?”
He blanched from the scolding. Gradually, anger brought his color back.
She said, “I can tell you’re taking that the wrong way.”
“There’s a right way?”
“Yes, actually.” Beyond the steam-fogged window a crow rustled the branches of the tangerine tree. “I’m trying to make you understand what middle age is like.”
He slumped in his chair. “That’s all you ever talk about.”
“Please, listen. You get to where I am, see all the things you wanted that never showed up and realize, finally, they never will. This time of year just makes it worse. I’m feeling all bitter and Brahmsian and bored with myself.” She shivered. “God, that sounds like the line from a song. What I mean is, this thing, here, between you and me? It’s just an attempt to pretend I’m not really getting older. There. That simple, that stupid, that sad. As for you-”
This part wasn’t new. “You think I’m needy.”
“I think you need, yes, a kind of love I can’t promise or provide.”
“And what about the love I can provide?”
“I’m more concerned about what you can’t promise, actually.”
“Which is?”
“Please, stop being so angry, so-”
“You think you know how I feel. So why do you get so scared when I try to tell you what I’m actually feeling?”
“I was your age once, remember. I had passion and confidence and exuberance, all that lovely stuff. I envy you. But I can’t recover what I’ve lost through you.”
Roque was floored. You think I don’t understand despair, he thought. You think I don’t know what it means to be lonely and desperate for something to justify the hassle of getting through the day. You think I don’t see what Tía Lucha and Tío Faustino and you and everybody else your age goes through, that I don’t get it, I don’t care.
“I can give you back your hope.”
She looked chastened. Then: “No, you can’t.”
“I can make you happy.”
“You do make me happy. You infuriate me and, I’m sorry, bore me sometimes, but yes, I’m mostly happy when we’re together. But-here again, the age factor comes in-happiness isn’t as important as I once thought. It’s a pretty slim commodity, actually.”
“You’d rather be unhappy?”
“Happiness comes and goes, is what I’m saying. A little sunlight on a gray day, poof, my spirits lift. A melody in my head. On the street, a dog wags its tail-”
“That’s not happiness,” he said. In fact, what it sounded like was boredom.
“Yes, it is. That’s the sneaky truth about happiness. It’s pretty ho-hum stuff. As for hope, it’s just a way to trick yourself into thinking the future can’t go wrong.”
“What I mean by happiness is how we feel when we’re together.”
“That will change.”
“Yeah. It’ll get better.”
“You can’t know that. Trust me.”
“If you really believe that, why live?”
Her eyes met his. “The question I ask myself several times a day.”
“Don’t talk like that.”
“‘Death is like the falling of a petal from a rose. No more. No less.’” She turned her cup in its saucer, as though it were a sort of compass. “In case you’re interested in the Zen view.”
“You’re not seriously-”
“I know, how thoroughly seppuku of me.”
“Stop joking about it.”
“Don’t worry, I’m not contemplating suicide. But do I think about death more and more? Why yes I do. And you shouldn’t. It would be wrong and selfish and cowardly of me to inflict all that on you. Besides, there are worse things than loneliness. I let myself forget that.”
“You’d rather be alone than with me.”
“You make me want to drink, Roque. You make me want to drink and fuck and laugh and forget.”
“And that’s so terrible?”
“It’s cowardice. It’s unfair. To us both.” She said this with a sort of guilty kindness, fiddling with her cup. “You mentioned that something had come up, right? And you needed to talk about it.”
“Yeah. My uncle. The one they arrested yesterday.”
“He’s not really your uncle, though, if I remember.”
“Close enough. I owe him. Big-time. His son, Happy, he’s come back. He got deported, couple years ago. Showed up out of the blue. I met with him this morning.”
She looked at him askance. “What are you saying?”
“Tía Lucha has to stay here to earn enough to look after Godo. Godo’s too messed up to travel anywhere, that’s not gonna change. Happy’s not supposed to be here in the first place, no way he can just come and go.”