Different religions have different rites. Sometimes referred to as “sitting shiva,” shiva is a Jewish burial rite consisting of friends visiting the home of a grieving family to offer condolences.
A funeral service or funeral ceremony is just what it says—a period of ritualistic actions, usually coordinated by a leader, to pay homage to one who has died, with his or her body present. A memorial service, or simply memorial, is much the same as a funeral service, only the body is not on-site. A memorial service is commonly conducted after someone has been cremated, as there is obviously no body to view.
Perhaps my thoughts on this subject are much ado about nothing, but I think that I should describe the services I perform daily with the utmost correctness, if for no other reason than respect. Funeral and burial rites can be conducted only one time for each person. If I attend to something improperly, I can’t exactly ask for a do-over.
I have noticed that newspaper writers enjoy taking poetic license by referring to a casket in one paragraph and then a coffin in the next (see chapter 10 to find out which one is correct). Also, obituary writers in many newspapers merely enter detailed information that the funeral homes dictate to them. Since there is a per-line charge, the family can submit whatever information they want.
But it’s when a feature writer writes an obituary for a celebrity or high-profile death that problems begin. Rarely do those obituaries end properly. They include such technical errors as saying that “funeral services” will be held or “memorial services” will take place at such-and-such a day and time. Well, there is only one funeral or memorial service. In a Catholic obituary, we would never say, “Masses of Christian Burial will be held…” In a Jewish obituary, we would never say, “Shivas to be observed at…”
My personal pet peeve, however, is when obits list the order of events in reverse, with the funeral service mentioned first and only then the visitation hours. Chronological order is far easier for readers to follow. Newspaper writers also commit errors that to me are unforgivable, such as misspelling cemetery as cemetary or using internment instead of interment, which have very different meanings!
Funeral directors can sometimes be blamed for poor obituary writing; the director making the arrangements compiles and writes most of them. One common grammatical blunder is referring to certain relatives as brother-in-laws as opposed to brothers-in-law. But even well-meaning family members who try to assist in the compilation of obituary information are guilty of embarrassing snafus. A few people intentionally omit certain irritant brothers, sisters, or cousins. But others unwittingly hurt the feelings of grandchildren or siblings by referring to only one of them as “Mom’s favorite grandchild, Freddy,” or by saying, “survived by three sons, especially her special caregiver, Tom.”
Family members can cause all sorts of divisive issues.
When an individual dies at home, generally there is a houseful of people gathered at the bedside. This is a scene that a funeral director has to carefully observe and take in, because important conclusions can be drawn from it. Those present usually exhibit genuine sorrow. However, it is sometimes possible to detect that those sobbing at Grandma’s bedside are only upset that their gravy train has been derailed and they can’t borrow any more money from her.
When the family is assembled, they often tell me which day and time they want the visitation and funeral to take place. We note such information and save them from having to endure more questions later at the funeral arrangement conference.
When it comes time to leave the family’s residence with their deceased loved one in tow, it can be emotionally wrenching. I have received numerous requests not to cover the deceased’s face. Grown sons have assisted us in carrying the cot. Family members have run down the street after the hearse as we slowly pull away.
After the body has been removed from the place of death, we set up a time for the bereaved family to come in for the arrangement conference. The funeral arrangement conference is when the funeral director sits down with the member or members of the deceased’s family to acquire the necessary information to complete the death certificate, compile information for the obituary, arrange for the service selections, be it ground burial or cremation, and allow the family to select any merchandise they desire, whether it is a casket and burial vault or a cremation urn.
Even as a funeral director of many years, I still, on occasion, get that feeling of butterflies in my stomach or a slight feeling of trepidation when the bereaved family approaches the front door of the funeral home for the first time.
We look for all kinds of signs as to what might happen. A bereaved family who has been asked to arrive at ten o’clock in the morning and happens to be late is sometimes thought of as a bad omen. A former employer of mine used to swear that when a family is late for their appointment to make arrangements, then it is more likely that the family will not pay the bill or that there will be trouble in collecting the bill. His thought was that if a family is late showing up then they must be irresponsible.
The initial viewing of a deceased loved one is another time of potential butterflies for the funeral director. Even if you are extremely confident that the deceased looks very natural, there is still a small degree of doubt that speaks to you: “I hope the family is pleased; what if they are not?” We all want that gushing exclamation by the assembled family—“He looks great” or “Mom looks absolutely beautiful; you have done a wonderful job”—as a resounding seal of approval.
I sometimes feel a wee bit slighted if a family does not immediately express sheer delight at their loved one’s appearance. Some situations reveal a delayed seal of approval. I give the family several minutes alone for their initial viewing before I go to them at the casket to make sure they are satisfied. On that walk up to the casket, as brief as it is, there are many thoughts running through my head: Are the lips too pink or not pink enough? Is the hair styled properly? Is the necktie straight? Is her dress smoothed out just right? My wife checks the work of my sons and I with a fine-toothed comb once the deceased is placed into the casket, and again when the casket is placed into the chapel, and again just before the family arrives. Yet even with all that redundancy there is still the worry that something might need to be addressed—after all, someone’s loved one is lying in repose, so everything must be right.
The desired seal-of-approval moment sometimes comes when the family is departing the funeral home at the conclusion of the visitation period. Parting compliments include “Mom looked beautiful, and we can’t thank you enough,” or the tearful proclamation, “Everything was perfect.” Such positive feedback is the hope and expectation of every funeral director worth his salt.
Sometimes there are family problems, however, that exist in the family itself. My son and I once pulled the hearse into the driveway of a mansion, exited the vehicle, and made our way to the front porch. The elderly gentleman, whom I recalled as a recent pre-need customer, had passed and was found in his bedroom suite on the second floor, surrounded by several grieving family members.
One of the deceased man’s daughters introduced herself to me and took me by the arm, directing me to a vacant bedroom down the hall. She said that I should speak to her and her alone concerning her late father’s funeral arrangements. She further stated that there were some current grumblings in the family and that she would be in my office as soon as possible. We removed her father from his residence, loaded him into the hearse, and soon noticed that the daughter was following close behind us for the trip back to the funeral home. Since it was after 11 p.m., I found her actions to be a little out of the ordinary. We unloaded the deceased and, as my son rolled him into the preparation room, I proceeded to light up the interior of the building and unlock the front door.