Tinker, gaoler, soldier for Jesus, librarian, whelk catcher . . .
To my surprise, Tadpole had put me on the guest list and after a cursory frisking I was admitted. Traditionally the main hall is used for dancing, or fighting; but tonight the people filing in were a noticeably different crowd, older and slightly unsure of themselves, as if it was many years since they had been to such a place. The dance floor had been taken over, with tables set for a banquet. Waiters and waitresses stood at the side, awaiting the beginning of proceedings. On stage, framed by red velvet curtains, there was a live tableau of the biblical stable: school children dressed as Mary and Joseph; a bright pink doll in a manger of real straw. Abishag stood placidly in attendance, because that is the great art of being a donkey and probably why she got invited to the first Christmas. Eeyore stood behind her, running a soothing hand on her mane; he was dressed as a shepherd, in that mixture of dressing gown and towel on the head which traditionally represents the Biblical shepherd.
Tinker, tailor, mason, Rotarian, hotelier, hotdog seller, shepherd from Palestine . . .
The tables filled quickly, and soon the hall was throbbing with an intense air of anticipation that even I was not impervious to. I pushed through the crowds, who were searching for their seats, and went towards the back. People began to stamp their feet and shout, ‘Hoffmann!’ This venue had, in its time, borne witness to all the manifold manifestations of the human condition: fights, and the unrestrained outpourings of lust; deaths; even children had been born in the middle of a ring of handbags. So many acts that cried to the stars for the redemptive balm of a saviour; but it had never seen a town gathered on the strength of such a promise as tonight. ‘Hoffmann! Hoffmann!’ they cried.
Tadpole took the stage. She was wearing a party frock, made of checked cotton with what looked like a doily at the neck. It reminded me the things people wear to go square dancing. She raised her hand to silence the rabble. Her cheeks shone like a well-polished saddle and her hair was plastered down and gleamed like a fish in the light thrown by the twirling disco balls, the tinsel and the single star behind her, above the stable.
‘I guess you are all impatient to be redeemed,’ she began. ‘God knows you need it!’
There were hoots and jeers.
‘You’ve been swimming in the swill of iniquity for long enough.’
More jeers and shouts of ‘You can talk!’
‘Yes. It’s about time someone did.’
‘Get ’em off!’
‘I’ve seen you: coupling and rutting like dogs on heat; drinking liquor at all hours of the day—’
The crowd shouted ‘Woooh!’ in mock horror. It began to dawn on me. They weren’t here to be redeemed at all. They were here for the entertainment.
‘Sharing the bed with your own kith and kin!’
‘Look who’s talking!’
‘Or with farmyard animals!’
Laughter.
‘Oh, yes, if anyone needs to be saved, it’s you lot, you bunch of slimy moral toads! But the funny thing is, you don’t know the worst bit yet.’ There were more catcalls and jeers, whistles and hoots. They were drunk and happy.
‘Well, tonight you’re going to find out the truth. You’re going to find out about the terrible sin on the conscience of this town. The reason why the good Lord saw fit to blight us; why He sent a big flood five years ago. The reason why everything in this town is wrong; why the ewe miscarries, why the bread is stale and the hearts are cold. Tonight I’m going to tell you.’
‘Get on with it!’
‘All right, I will, but you’ve all got to shut up first.’ She paused. The laughter subsided amid snorts of suppressed mirth.
‘It’s because we are party to a terrible deed, a secret shame that those horrible soldiers did in Patagonia.’
There were gasps of mock horror.
‘We all know about the terrible war in Patagonia. How the Lord saw fit, even though we did not deserve it, to send us one of His angels on the eve of battle. We’ve all seen the pictures of brave Clip and the beautiful angel who came to see us. You’d think those soldiers would be grateful, wouldn’t you? You’d think after seeing something as nice as that they would go and fight like men. But no! it wasn’t enough that they made us lose the great colony of Patagonia.’
The words ‘great colony’ produced ironic laughter.
‘When the angel went back to see them again, you know what they did? They were rude to her.’
There was an uproar of laughter and a barrage of bread rolls rained down on the stage.
Someone grabbed me by the sleeve; it was Calamity. She pulled me away and towards the door at the back marked ‘Private’. We walked through into the kitchen.
‘I have to tell you something.’
‘Can’t it wait? We’re going to miss the unveiling of Hoffmann.’
There were more roars from the main hall and Tadpole’s words floated over.
‘. . . put your hands together . . .’
‘I know who it is,’ said Calamity. ‘I know who Hoffmann is.’
‘. . . come all the way to be with us here tonight . . .’
‘I know who it is, too. It’s Herod Jenkins.’
‘. . . to expiate the grievous sins . . .’
‘How did you know?’
‘Caleb Penpegws told me.’
‘Pretty measly sort of redeemer, huh?’
‘The crowd won’t like it. How did you find out?’
‘Absalom said he saw him in the cinema queue, right? We all thought he must have met him, but there’s a poster of Herod and the circus there, too. Maybe that’s what he saw. I just sort of thought—’
‘That’s very good. Don’t you want to go in and see the big moment?’
Calamity looked wistful.
‘What’s wrong?’
‘Everything’s turned out wrong, hasn’t it?’
‘Has it?’
‘I’ve been a dope. And now Myfanwy—’
I flinched slightly.
Calamity saw something in my eyes and retreated.
‘It’s OK,’ I said. ‘I know she’s going; she’s leaving after the concert. What’s wrong?’
‘But . . .’
‘What?’
‘She isn’t coming. She’s left already . . . on the bus to Shrewsbury.’
‘Oh.’
‘I thought you knew.’
‘She’s supposed to be singing.’
‘She can’t sing.’
‘She got her voice back.’
‘No, she didn’t, she was lying. She told me to tell you not to stop her.’
‘She said that?’
‘She insisted I tell you before seven thirty this evening. That’s when the bus leaves. She said, “You must promise to tell him not to come after me, and make sure you tell him before seven thirty.”’ She looked at her watch. It was seven forty-five. ‘As I said, I’ve been a dope.’
‘No, you haven’t.’
‘Yes, I have, a prize dope. None of that Pinkerton manual stuff worked out; the new office is a dumb idea. The Pinkertons never answered my fax. The only reason I didn’t come back was I am too ashamed. And I was scared you wouldn’t want me.’
‘You don’t know how wrong you are.’
‘Everything I did was a failure.’