Here are a few things to consider:
• If you signed a letter of agreement to retain your attorney when you two began your relationship, you should know that letter doesn’t have squat to do with the fairness of whatever fees he or she charges you. Most states have some kind of code of conduct that attorneys are bound to follow, and that code will frequently contain language that essentially says attorneys aren’t allowed to take any illegal, overly burdensome fees. An engagement letter might lay out details of billing, as well as how the case might be pursued, but if those details aren’t reasonable, a court can step in and reduce or even nullify fees.
• If you are in the middle of a case and Bam-Bam, Esquire, takes his club of a law degree and whacks you with a request for a bonus above any agreed-upon fees, get suspicious real quick. Agreed-upon payments have to be honored, sure, but the bonus is usually up to you. I say “usually” because the complicated laws surrounding this sort of thing can be twisted in a lawyer’s favor depending on the state you’re in—but generally, you have to abide by what you signed, and not some later request made because Bam-Bam wasn’t paying attention when you originally explained your situation, and underestimated the amount of work the case was going to entail.
• Study your bills. I don’t care if you think your attorney is the baby Jesus himself doing a solid gold job of dancing into a courtroom victory: look hard at each element of the bill. If you see even one itsy-bitsy thing that makes you say, “huh?”—raise a concern. It’s just like buying a car. Those sneaky salesmen are going to try to charge you “floor plan” and “vehicle preparation” fees to get your new wheels off the showroom linoleum, but if you resist, they’ll take them off lickety-split. Vetting an attorney’s billing is the best way to find some mutually agreeable solution to knock a few bucks off a daunting invoice. And maybe if you’re the first to call bullshit on an item like “domestic pet hair depilatory,” the attorney will see the jig is up and stop trying to be so clever.
• Attorneys, no matter how well-equipped they are with legal knowledge, don’t like going through fee disputes. Even less than most clients do, is my guess. If a client is 150 percent certain they are willing to dispute the fee, know that it can be pretty embarrassing to an attorney to have to deal with it. The dispute makes them look bad to other attorneys. A strongly disputed fee might even segue into a malpractice claim—and believe me, lawyers unanimously don’t want their or their firms’ names anywhere near the word “malpractice.” Just like you would be horrified to have “accused sex offender” come up when you Google your name, we don’t want even a hint of ethical wrongdoing associated with our work. That is not to say a fee dispute will scare a lawyer into submission. If you default to petty intimidation, the system and one really pissed-off attorney will steamroll you. But! A carefully appraised and detailed argument is serious business to an attorney, and they’ll want to resolve it the best way possible if they have a lick of sense. Which might lead to…
• Arbitration. Look, if the fees at issue are not six-figure income killers, if the issue just isn’t that big, the state bar can sometimes assist with a good old arbitration. If a client volunteers to get involved with arbitration, the lawyer usually has little choice but to go along. Buyer beware—frequently, an arbitration is just about the fees and nothing but the fees. If a client suspects there is another brand of sketchiness afoot in their counselor’s shadowy offices—like, perhaps the attorney was bribed to throw the case—arbitration efforts won’t stray from the money lane.
Knowing the qualities worth seeking in a truly good attorney is one thing, and understanding some of the bullshit you don’t have to put up with is another. There are plenty of things that might tip you off that your potential legal apple has a wormy lawyer hidden in its core. Determining whether you’re looking at a red flag is a subjective art, sure. One man’s too-slick crook might be another’s legal life partner. Just like when you’re scrutinizing whether that check-engine light flashing on your dashboard means you should pull over instead of continuing to cruise down a snowy highway, you might have to go with your gut. And, for what it’s worth: you should probably pull over and check that light out. Your car probably isn’t just trying to say, “Hey, thinking of you, we should hang out more.”
• The office. Look for whatever shivers your timbers. For example: is it well-lit, with an impressive modern design? Is it reasonably neat? Look, law firms are constantly crushed under endless blizzards of paper, so make your expectations reasonable. An antiseptic microbe-free decontamination room won’t necessarily be the standard, but you can reasonably expect to see that a little TLC goes into the place’s upkeep. This goes for the attorney, too. They don’t need to be decked in the GQ-est suits and Rolexes, but they should take pride in dressing for success. However: attorneys come in all stripes, and there have been some real geniuses who were complete slobs, or walking fashion faux pas, or wore crazy duds as a middle finger to conformists—so keep in mind that there might be a pearl worth polishing in the center of that barnacled oyster of an office.
• Shitty attitude. This is stony ground, because when people walk into a law office, chances are good they’re feeling justifiably sensitive. Now, a thoughtful attorney is fully aware of this, and learns how to ride the fine line between being an honest advocate and an empathetic ear. Most folks are able to recognize the qualities of a dud: laziness, condescension, general smart-assery, etc. Those traits are about as subtle as an elephant competing in the Feline Olympics. On the other hand, if you’ve got someone who can crack a joke, lighten your load with laughter for even a second—that’s the self-rowing paddle that’s going to steer your leaky canoe up and out of Shit Creek while you’re lying fetal between the gunwales. Your situation is serious enough as it is without having to deal with some Legal Crypt Keeper, sitting behind their desk and chattering about all the legal doom you face.
• The ability to communicate. Both ways—responding and initiating. And I’m talking about an office working with some kind of calendar system that organizes this communication. Look, if you fire off ten e-mails and not even the attorney’s assistant’s intern’s hamster can be bothered to send back a “¿Qué?” then there’s a problem in the law practice of Highfees, Dud, and Doolittle. If phones ring and ring and don’t even go to a generic after-hours answering service, you’re right to wonder, “Hey, what’s up with that?” That’s probably a failing practice, my friend. It’s a little legal Hindenburg and it’s about to catch fire.
• Unrealistic promises. What is realistic, anyway? A perfectly decent attorney isn’t always above eyeballing a particularly tasty case in which it looks like all the pins are perfectly aligned to bowl a big-ass strike and saying, “We’ve got this, relax, game over.” But most of us know better than to say that. Be suspicious of an attorney’s confidence, even their competence, the moment they say, “Piece of cake, it’s already won.” There are too many unpredictable elements in even the most milquetoast of misdemeanors to make that guarantee.
I don’t know if it’s true that for every case there is a perfect attorney. But, I like to believe there’s a little something to it. So: maybe don’t go galloping off with the first attorney you meet. That’ll go over as well as waking up with a Vegas hangover, a wedding ring, and an introduction to your new future ex-husband. Don’t settle for less; make sure your boxes are checked, but don’t be too damned quick to judge. A snap judgment to hire the lawyer with the biggest ad campaign, for instance, might deprive you of a chance to cut through all the justice system’s bullshit with the sharpest tool in the shed. On the flip side: those hardworking men and women asking for your business on late-night TV could be the hungriest and most passionate lawyers in town. There’s a big advantage in having a clever and think-outside-the-box legal mind on your side.