“You didn’t lie to me. And I would never blame you for something that you did way before we met.” Or even many, many someones he did. He was right. This blew.
“God, Brenna.” His voice was cracked and raw. “I feel like I had this one bad year and that’s my real life. I can try as hard as I want, but that terrible year is what’s in store for me. I won’t do better.”
“Jake, that’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You made some mistakes. So? Big deal. Of course I would still be willing to date you.” The words popped out of my mouth, mixed in the tumult of anger and frustration and attraction that swirled like a whirlpool in my head.
“You would?” His voice brightened. “I’m not asking you now. I mean, I wouldn’t be that much of a loser. But you’re serious? You would consider dating me?”
I thought about kissing him and knowing, always, in the back of my head that there had been so many more before me. Would I be able to get over it?
And then I thought about Jake. And his crinkled eyes and his sweetness and his really, really mind-blowing kisses that I knew were all about him and me only, no matter who else there had been before.
I took a huge, deep breath. “Yes. I would consider it. Definitely.” I felt some of the old giddiness tickle to life low in my stomach.
He laughed, and it still wasn’t a happy sound. This time it sounded like relief. “That’s the best news I’ve heard all day.”
I wanted to tease him, to tell him not to get his hopes up, but it felt like we were in deep waters and that kind of joking wouldn’t fly. But then, I didn’t know what to say.
He cleared his throat. “I guess I dropped a lot on you tonight.”
“Yeah.” It sounded annoyed, even though that’s not really how I felt. I curled on my side and cradled the phone next to my ear, blinking in the dim light of my empty room.
“You don’t know how sorry I am. You have a lot to do tomorrow. I should let you go.”
And I knew that he was really asking if I wanted to get off of the phone with him, and I also knew that if I said yes, it would break his heart a little. And as much as Jake Kelly had made me crazy, I still felt protective over his heart, like it was an egg I held in my hand that could be crushed without much force at all.
“Not yet. What’s up with your comments on my photos?” I knew I managed to make my voice sound almost exactly the way it had sounded on Friday just after I kissed him.
His laugh was so sheepish I could practically see him blush. “I was feeling brave. It’s what I’m thinking. You’re just…” He stopped again. “You’re like the kind of girl I’ve only ever imagined meeting, and then you just show up one day across the table from me at school, and I know this is my one chance and I’d better not screw it up. I don’t know how to say it. You’re gorgeous and smart and funny. And you’re not judgmental. You know, I feel like I could tell you all of the crazy stuff I’ve been through, and you would still see the real Jake under all the bull.”
It was essentially what Saxon had told me about myself, and I felt ashamed that Jake had given me so much credit when I didn’t really deserve it at all.
“Jake, you make me sound like some perfect girl, but…”
“But you are,” he interrupted. “My idea of perfect, anyway.”
“I’m far from perfect.” I pushed my bangs back with the heel of my hand.
“I know I’m not really in your league,” he said matter-of-factly.
“Yes you are.” I laughed and sat up, cross-legged on my mattress. “I think you’re just fishing for compliments.”
“No. Seriously, I’m not.”
“I actually believe you,” I admitted and leaned forward, the phone pressed hard to my ear, my voice low. “So I’ll give you some anyway. No interrupting or being all humble. You are very good looking.” I heard him make a noise, but I rushed on to stop him. “You are a very hard worker. You’re smart, don’t even say you aren’t. I don’t waste time on dumb people, Jake. And, this one is important.” I paused for dramatic effect.
He laughed shyly. “Lay it on me.”
“You are an awesome kisser,” I whispered.
He laughed loud and long. “Here I thought you were going to get all deep on me.” When he was done with his laughing, his voice got deeper and very sexy. “So you think I’m a good kisser?”
“You’ve had enough practice!” I joked. The memory of kissing him made my breath come fast and my lips tingle.
His voice got really serious all of a sudden. “Not really, Brenna,” he admitted. “It was…kind of heartless. It wasn’t…” He didn’t speak for a few seconds. “It wasn’t good,” he said finally. “At all. But if you and I were, um, together, it would be different.”
My traitorous body shivered and squirmed with a need that I didn’t really know how to respond to. “I don’t have any plans to do much more than kissing for a while,” I said carefully, even as I fought waves of something hot and hungry that crashed over me.
“I didn’t mean that,” he rushed, and his voice was so sexy I got goose bumps. “I meant kissing. The way it felt with you today was ten times better than all of the sex I’ve had put together, and that was just one kiss.” He took a breath, and it sounded jagged and unsteady. “Or maybe I felt something you didn’t?”
“No.” I smiled so wide my cheeks ached. “I felt it, Jake. I’ve felt a lot for you. Since the minute we met.”
“I have a feeling we’re going to be crazy happy together, Brenna Blixen.” The naked optimism in his voice stung my conscience.
If I decided to move forward with Jake Kelly, I had better be positive that it was all through with Saxon Maclean. If not, I was going to have one hell of a nightmare on my hands.
“I…want to see you again. Soon.” I only realized how much I felt the words as they came out of my mouth.
“You will. Now I’m going to go ogle your Facebook pictures and let you get some sleep. Sweet dreams, Brenna.”
“You too,” I said, and we clicked off.
The feeling of aloneness that swelled around me once we disconnected was overwhelming. I usually liked being alone, especially late at night when I could think on my own. But this was different. This time I wanted Jake’s voice back next to me. For the first time I tried to imagine what it would be like to sleep next to someone, like to have Jake lying in the bed next to me. Just thinking it made me smooth my hand over the empty bed. I was always the only one in bed, and had a hard time imagining it otherwise.
I believed Jake when he told me things that sounded crazy, like that kissing me was better than sex had been. But my belief had more to do with my feelings for him than any type of real knowledge, because I had almost nothing to go on physically. I just had to take Jake’s word for it and hope he wasn’t saying what he thought I wanted to hear.