I went rapidly through the written questions, giving out answers I had already had time to think over, then sat back as usual and said, We have time to bat it around a bit, gentlemen. Any other questions?
There were several. I was forced to answer No comment only once an answer Bonforte preferred to an ambiguous one. Finally I glanced at my watch and said, That will be all this morning, gentlemen, and started to stand up.
Smythe! Bill shouted.
I kept right on getting to my feet, did not look toward him.
I mean you, Mr. Phony Bonforte-Smythe! he went on angrily, raising his voice still more.
This time I did look at him, with astonishment just the amount appropriate, I think, to an important official subjected to rudeness under unlikely conditions. Bill was pointing at me and his face was red. You imposter! You small-time actor! You fraud!
The London Times man on my right said quietly, Do you want me to call the guard, sir?
I said, No. He's harmless.
Bill laughed. So I'm harmless, huh? You'll find out.
I really think I should, sir, the Times man insisted.
No. I then said sharply, That's enough, Bill. You had better leave quietly.
Don't you wish I would? He started spewing forth the basic story, talking rapidly. He made no mention of the kidnapping and did not mention his own part in the hoax, but implied that he had left us rather than be mixed up in any such swindle. The impersonation was attributed, correctly as far as it went, to illness on the part of Bonforte with a strong hint that we might have doped him.
I listened patiently. Most of the reporters simply listened at first, with that stunned expression of outsiders exposed unwillingly to a vicious family argument. Then some of them started scribbling or dictating into minicorders.
When he stopped I said, Are you through, Bill?
That's enough, isn't it?
More than enough. I'm sorry, Bill. That's all, gentlemen. I must get back to work.
Just a moment, Mr. Minister! someone called out. Do you want to issue a denial? Someone else added, Are you going to sue?
I answered the latter question first. No, I shan't sue. One doesn't sue a sick man.
Sick, am I? shouted Bill.
Quiet down, Bill. As for issuing a denial, I hardly think it is called for. However, I see that some of you have been taking notes. While I doubt if any of your publishers would run this story, if they do, this anecdote may add something to it. Did you ever hear of the professor who spent forty years of his life proving that the Odyssey was not written by Homer but by another Greek of the same name?
It got a polite laugh. I smiled and started to turn away again. Bill came rushing around the table and grabbed at my arm. You can't laugh it off! The Times man Mr. Ackroyd, it was pulled him away from me.
I said, Thank you, sir. Then to Corpsman I added, What do you want me to do, Bill? I've tried to avoid having you arrested.
Call the guards if you like, you phony! We'll see who stays in jail longest!Wait until they take your fingerprints!
I sighed and made the understatement of my life. This is ceasing to be a joke. Gentlemen, I think I had better put an end to this. Penny my dear, will you please have someone send in fingerprinting equipment? I knew I was sunk but, damn it, if you are caught by the Birkenhead Drill, the least you owe yourself is to stand at attention while the ship goes down. Even a villain should make a good exit.
Bill did not wait. He grabbed the water glass that had been sitting in front of me; I had handled it several times. The hell with that! This will do.
I've told you before, Bill, to mind your language in the presence of ladies. But you may keep the glass.
You're bloody well right I'll keep it.
Very well. Please leave. If not, I'll be forced to summon the guard.
He walked out. Nobody said anything. I said, May I provide fingerprints for any of the rest of you?
Ackroyd said hastily, Oh, I'm sure we don't want them, Mr. Minister.
Oh, by all means! If there is a story in this, you'll want to be covered. I insisted because it was in character and in the second and third place, you can't be a little bit pregnant, or slightly unmasked and I did not want my friends present to be scooped by Bill; it was the last thing I could do for them.
We did not have to send for formal equipment. Penny had carbon sheets and someone had one of those lifetime memo pads with plastic sheets, they took prints nicely. Then I said good morning and left.
We got as far as Penny's private office; once inside she fainted dead. I carried her into my office, laid her on the couch, then sat down at my desk and simply shook for several minutes.
Neither one of us was worth much the rest of the day. We carried on as usual except that Penny brushed off all callers, claiming excuses of some sort. I was due to make a speech that night and thought seriously of canceling it. But I left the news turned on all day and there was not a word about the incident of that morning. I realized that they were checking the prints before risking it after all, I was supposed to be His Imperial Majesty's first minister; they would want confirmation. So I decided to make the speech since I had already written it and the time was scheduled. I couldn't even consult Dak; he was away in Tycho City.
It was the best one I had made. I put into it the same stuff a comic uses to quiet a panic in a burning theater. After the pickup was dead I just sunk my face in my hands and wept, while Penny patted my shoulder. We had not discussed the horrible mess at all.
Rog grounded at twenty hundred Greenwich, about as I finished, and checked in with me as soon as he was back. In a dull monotone I told him the whole dirty story; he listened, chewing on a dead cigar, his face expressionless.
At the end I said almost pleadingly, I had to give the fingerprints, Rog. You see that, don't you? To refuse would not have been in character.
Rog said, Don't worry.
Huh?
I said, Don't worry. When the reports on those prints come back from the Identification Bureau at The Hague, you are in for a small but pleasant surprise and our ex-friend Bill is in for a much bigger one, but not pleasant. If he has collected any of his blood money in advance, they will probably take it out of his hide. I hope they do.
I could not mistake what he meant. Oh! But, Rog they won't stop there. There are a dozen other places. Social Security ... Uh, lots of places.
You think perhaps we were not thorough? Chief, I knew this could happen, one way or another. From the moment Dak sent word to complete Plan Mardi Gras, the necessary coverup started. Everywhere. But I didn't think it necessary to tell Bill. He sucked on his dead cigar, took it out of his mouth, and looked at it. Poor Bill.
Penny sighed softly and fainted again.
Ten
Somehow we got to the final day. We did not hear from Bill again; the passenger lists showed that he went Earthside two days after his fiasco. If any news service ran anything I did not hear of it, nor did Quiroga's speeches hint at it.
Mr. Bonforte steadily improved until it was a safe bet that he could take up his duties after the election. His paralysis continued in part but we even had that covered; he would go on vacation right after election, a routine practice that almost every politician indulges in. The vacation would be in the Tommie, safe from everything. Sometime in the course of the trip I would be transferred and smuggled back and the Chief would have a mild stroke, brought on by the strain of the campaign.