Blake
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I like the scene. I think it’s necessary to establish how Benny knows to use alcohol (also rounds out his backstory a little bit). It is jarring tho. I think we’ll have to see how it hangs with the other scenes on a final review.
Blake
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It’s almost 6k words, plus it’s really intense, so I think we should divide the scene up. There’s so much going on at once, readers will want to check in with other characters.
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Still up? I’m almost done with a 1st pass at Shanna’s explanation.
Blake
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Shanna dracula backstory Paul 4.0 is up…still needs a little polishing but it’s getting there. I love how all these draculas myths are rolled into one package that kind of makes sense if you don’t stare at it too hard. Paul, I renamed your new files just to make it clear what’s what in advance of putting everything into the big manuscript documents at the end of the week.
Blake
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Jeff 6.1 — great scene — absurd and terrifying — and smooth segue into Clay vs Randall. I added that Randall spots Clay with a frightened looking woman, since Shanna’s in the next scene. Hope I didn’t throw you a curve by giving Randall a gun. It’s got only 4 shots, but if it messes your plans, I can go back and have him refuse it.
Jenny 1.0 this is one intense piece. In a way it’s already broken up by shifts in POV.
brain defibrillation — resetting Lanz’s thought processes like ECT — very clever.
A couple of quibbles:
Randall was a rock. He was also one of the most reassuring, nurturing people she’d ever known — this doesn’t jibe with his history of drunken rampages — doesn’t sound like a guy she’d divorce. Maybe now that he’s stopped drinking, she realizes he’s once again the guy she fell in love with.
and the Tea Party was populated by morons. — gratuitous and political, no? Definitely has its share of morons, but I’ve got some loyal readers involved in the movement (my Ron Paul contingent) and they’re anything but.
Stacie 4.0 — very moving; the turn at the end is unsettling. (I changed vernex to vernix)
Paul
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Nice. A painless, concise explanation, but is it done?
“He carries the virus that makes the vaccine.”
I hear Clay saying. “Vaccine? You mean like a shot?”
Paul
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Re: draculas illustrations: No objections whatsoever. That sounds like a fantastic idea.
Jeff
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You’re right, Paul, it was political and gratuitous. I thought it spoke to her character. But I’ll cut it. What’s another group of people I can call stupid that won’t annoy fans that Jenny would dislike?
As for the Randall drinking thing, good catch. I think we can compromise. I want Jenny to leave him because he’s not the brightest bulb, and she wants more. That could include him hitting the bars and getting arrested for fighting and drunk and disorderly. But I don’t see him as the type who would ever be violent toward her, even if he has a violent streak.
So we can have Clay arrest him at various bars around town, and have him know Jenny because she kept bailing his dumb ass out. That means I’ll add his drinking problem to Jenny’s list of things she can’t stand about him, and Clay can feel sorry for her that she has had to put up with such a loser.
Joe
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Nice job on the infodump scene, Blake. I agree it needs to be smoothed out—it’s too on the nose.
Can I take a crack at it?
Joe
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You’re right, Paul, it was political and gratuitous. I thought it spoke to her character. But I’ll cut it. What’s another group of people I can call stupid that won’t annoy fans that Jenny would dislike?
The Klan? The Taliban?
As for the Randall drinking thing, good catch. I think we can compromise. I want Jenny to leave him because he’s not the brightest bulb, and she wants more.
Shanna’s problem with Clay is she wants more too. Too similar?
That could include him hitting the bars and getting arrested for fighting and drunk and disorderly. But I don’t see him as the type who would ever be violent toward her, even if he has a violent streak.
So we can have Clay arrest him at various bars around town, and have him know Jenny because she kept bailing his dumb ass out. That means I’ll add his drinking problem to Jenny’s list of things she can’t stand about him, and Clay can feel sorry for her that she has had to put up with such a loser.
Well, I never saw him being violent to her, just breaking stuff.
How about he was a sweet guy when they married; the drink got control and brought out his dark side. She couldn’t take it anymore and dumped him. It’s a nice arc for her to go from thinking he’s still the jerk she divorced when they meet in the ER, to slowly realize that he’s been serious about sobering up and that he’s back to the sweet guy she married. (Yeah, I split an infinitive - sue me.)
Paul
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Yeah, that’s stronger. Jeff and I can tweak his drinking problem in the rewrite, make it more of a main issue between them.
Then the fact that he cut the back of his leg could be Jenny believing he was drinking on the job, when it really was just stupidity.
And the reason he could have begun drinking is because he felt inferior to his smarter wife.
Jeff? Work for you?
Joe
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Yep, that completely works.
Are we going to add a disclaimer to the book saying that people who read the free sample are required to start over from the beginning? :)
Jeff
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Please, take a crack at sanding out the rough edges. What I really love (and maybe you work on) is the idea that because Mort is from this bloodline, and because he essentially infected himself with the same strand that hit Oswald, the virus can manifest differently in him. He contains the cure within himself, only it’s a cure that makes him a functioning (and infinitely more terrifying dracula). This is getting above my medical expertise pay grade, so hopefully Paul can make sure I haven’t completely fucked up my basic understanding of virus and antibody. And yes, Paul, I think the scene definitely goes on with Clay saying “You mean a shot?” Please feel free to tweak any of the dialogue I assigned to him.
Blake
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I uploaded a couple of pages of Clay 5.0 — a scene done purely for visual impact — but I don’t know where to go from there. Does Clay reconnect with Randall next or does he blunder into the Adam-Stacie story? Eventually he has to help Adam end it all.
Maybe I’ll write him setting up Adam’s farewell scene and work on the timing and connections later. I’m on a roll here and don’t want to lose momentum.
Paul
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Paul - I’m writing my Adam scene right now. Not sure if he connects with Randall first (I’m thinking not), but Clayton does blunder into my story. He can be on the third floor, near the birthplace, (trying to find a way to the roof?) and hear screams coming from the maternity ward. He busts in and sees my minister out in the hallway fighting with Oasis (and losing). saves the day. Stacie by this point will be in bed, hooked up to a blood transfusion, and he can help them get out of there. Nurse Herrick will be turning into a draculas by this point too (Oasis bit her) so maybe he can put her down as well. There’s also a single mother on the wing who just gave birth to a baby dracula (oasis has been on a tear). If you want to work that scene up, I’ll work on Adam going to get blood for his wife, and lay the groundwork of Oasis running rampant through the birthplace while he’s away. Sound good?