Joe
September 26, 2010
Finished my read through and I’ve gotta say, this thing moves like a sumbitch, but manages to build some real relationships along the way. It’s by turns hilarious, horrific, and poignant, but the momentum it achieves toward the end is (to borrow from Mr. Jobs) insanely relentless. The four styles mesh smoothly. Almost seamless.
Adding to my previous comments:
Pg. 121 Moved the Wolkenstein explanation up because timing-wise it needs to be in hour two.
Speaking of hours, I think we should get rid of the “Hour” dividers. They interrupt the flow, they’re inaccurate, and serve only to distract and cornfuse.
Pg 127: Randall — what happened to the dracs following him in his previous section? They seem to have disappeared. Also, his leg doesn’t seem to be bothering him as he’s kicking the wheelchair back again and again.
I changed Lanz’s amputation a teeny bit. No need to saw through bone in the glenohumeral joint — it’s a ball-and-socket joint; you need only cut away the tissues holding the ball in the socket.
Pg 146 — Adam’s backpack: “Adam took it, unzipped it, and dumped the contents—a change of clothes and some toiletries.”
doesn’t jibe with:
Pg 161: “Unshouldered his backpack, hands shaking so badly he could barely unzip it. He pulled out his iPad, powered it up.”
Maybe he could pull it from a side compartment. That aside, an iPad seems like an expensive toy for a young minister. A netbook might be more his speed, and serve the same purpose.
I changed Sgt. Halford to a colonel. Can’t see a non-com with that kind of authority and responsibility
pg 236 “I’m catching a cab out of here.” Didn’t sound right. I changed it to: “I’m arranging a ride into town.”
Along the way I divided up a Clay scene and a Shanna scene to coincide with the timeline a little better.
Paul
• • •
I agree about removing the “Hour” dividers. That’s something I was going to watch for in my read-through, but I think the combined action takes place in quite a bit less than four hours.
Jeff
• • •
Terrific points, Paul. Great catches, all.
Is it ready for Jeff to begin? If so…
Jeff, can Blake add his new scene and fix a few typos before Jeff takes it?
Blake, can you switch some content around? I think the TOC should go:
Joe
• • •
Sure. Blake, just let me know when you’re done.
Jeff
• • •
Jeff, I haven’t heard from Blake, so go ahead and take 4.6 and start your edit. Save it as 4.7, and try to get it to me by Tuesday night if you can. If not, Wednesday will work.
Blake, I see you’re still working on the soldier scene. No rush. But if you want to forward the typo list to me or Jeff, feel free to shoot an email…
Joe
• • •
Nice, Paul!!! And very glad to hear your enthusiasm for the final product. Agree with all your comments…Instead of an iPad, would a Kindle give sufficient glow to barely light the way in a dark basement? Joe?
Jeff, go ahead and dive in. I’m still finalizing my brief soldier scene and Joe can put it in when he takes the next handoff.
BTW, we’re up to 161 advance review commitments…
Blake
• • •
Kindles aren’t backlit…
Paul
• • •
But Kindles do have detachable lights, and I love that he’s use a Kindle. In fact, I really really really think this is the way to go, especially since Amazon has been so helpful.
The Kindle light I use, and love, is an XXXXXX.
I say, use that with the Kindle. Then I’ll contact XXXXXX and see if they’ll send us some swag in exchange for the plug.
Joe
• • •
Jeff, I figure you’re just getting started on the manuscript I’m going to finish this scene today, and then let you know where you can to stick it (ok that didn’t sound nice, but you know what I mean ;). I would like you to see how it integrates with the end scenes on your read…might need to have Shanna hearing the big .50 chugging.
Blake
• • •
34 pages in, just minor tweaks here and there. I cut the “Talk about a half-assed injury” joke because Lanz is a jerk who would not be thinking in amusing puns.
There’s one piece with Lanz fleeing that might confuse readers:
“Out of the treatment room, into the ER proper. Ignore the terrified, questioning faces. Find a place to hide. A door—SUPPLIES. The handle won’t turn. Locked. Of course. But he has a key. He fumbles it free, unlocks the steel door, ducks inside, closes and locks it behind him.”
I think that putting this whole paragraph in italics will make it clear that the use of present tense is a stylistic choice. Any objections?
Jeff
• • •
None. I lapsed into present and left it.
Paul
• • •
No objections to italics. But the “half-assed injury” joke will make it into the final manuscript, if not by Lanz then by an observer that I invent specifically to say the joke.
In fact, I’m pretty close to renaming the book “Half-Assed Injury.” Rather than the title looking like fangs, it will have different identifiable features.
Also, Jeff is off my Christmas list. This year I’m giving out hams to all of my friends. The hams will be delivered in brand new Camaros. Blake, you still wanted red, right?
Joe
• • •
I was thinking of you. I wouldn’t want you to squander the “half-assed injury” joke on DRACULAS, where you might not get full credit for it.
Jeff
• • •
Don’t lie. You weren’t thinking of me at all. You were selfishly thinking about what’s best for the book.
No Camaro for you. It would have been black, with a supercharger.
Instead, for Xmas I am sending you half a box of expired Minute Rice, and a rawhide bone my dog stopped chewing because it made her gums bleed. And you won’t get them until December 28th.
Joe
• • •
“Talk about a half-assed injury!” said an onlooker, pointing at the softball player.
“Mr. McGlade, please,” said the doctor, “if you don’t hold your hand in place it’s never going to reattach itself.”
Then six or seven draculas burst into the room, and ate Harry in twelve or fourteen bites.
“I’m almost sad about that,” said a patient. Then everybody popped open a cool refreshing beer and laughed for a while, just like the end of a Saturday morning cartoon.
Jeff
• • •
Doesn’t McGlade get killed in the Choose your own adventure Draculas subplot?
Blake
• • •
Only twice, which isn’t enough.
Jeff
• • •
You just lost your half box of Xmas Minute Rice, Mr. Sarcasm.
I’m leaning toward this:
Jack lowered the brim of his Boston Red Sox cap and sat down in the ER waiting room. He blended into the background, just another normal guy, an average face in the crowd. But the vibe was all wrong. This didn’t seem like a run-of-the-mill fix-it job. He felt a chill—the Otherness that had become inseparable from his life since his near death encounter with the blue meanies.
(I’m still not sure where the “half-assed” joke will come in yet. I may have to write for this character for a few more chapters before I find the spot.)