BTW, Paul. Since you never mentioned Jack’s last name, I’m just going to give him the surname “Snortkowski.” Also, in this scene, he gets his pelvis chewed off. You’re gonna have to retrofit that into your series.
Joe
• • •
Don’t lie, Mr. Liar McLyingpants.
The Draculas scene from Banana Hammock by J.A. Konrath went like this:
Mortimer rolled on top of her, like a lover, blood and saliva dripping onto Jenny’s face and neck. She reached up to push him away, but even as terror-stricken as she was, Jenny couldn’t bring herself to touch him. It was like willingly sticking your hand into a box of angry rattlesnakes. Even as his jaws drew near, Jenny’s revulsion wouldn’t allow her to fight back. She stretched out her hand—her face imploring—to Dr. Lanz, who stood within reach. But he shrank away from her beckoning fingers, retreating into the safety of the nurse’s station.
This is it, Jenny thought. I’m going to die.
“Cool,” Crazy Knife Goon said.
Harry McGlade nodded. “Draculas is a real roller coaster ride. Soon the whole hospital is overrun, with a few remaining survivors fighting for their lives.”
“Which parts did Jeff Strand write?” Andrew Mayhem asked.
McGlade gave CKG a knowing nod, and then they both shoved Mayhem at the creature, who tore into Mayhem’s throat like a fatty ripping open a bag of potato chips, except blood came out, not chips, and it wasn’t a fatty, it was a dracula. There was babyish squealing and some unmanly cries for help from Mayhem, who was probably a bed wetter, and then the dracula ate him all up and everyone gave each other high-fives.
Also, despite the very reasonable $2.99 Kindle price, Draculas never sold a single copy, so Strand never got any royalties.
Joe
• • •
I was too distracted by the desecration of Winnie the Pooh.
Jeff
• • •
That wasn’t desecration. That was parody, which is protected by fair use, and I never mentioned that beloved childhood copyrighted character by name so it isn’t infringement.
Joe
• • •
If McGlade shows up in this I fucking quit.
Blake
• • •
But I still get paid of course, it’s a symbolic quitting.
Blake
• • •
You just lost yourself a Camaro, Mr. McCritical.
I think you’re still sore because anytime someone mentions “Blake Crouch” in Banana Hammock, no one knows who you are.
Joe
• • •
I come home Sunday night to 15 freakin emails? And I thought it was us old guys who weren’t supposed to have lives.
Paul
• • •
Jeff started it.
Joe
September 27, 2010
Blake, I continue to be blown away by the amount of energy you’re putting into the extra bonus features, and the marketing and publicity of Draculas.
I made a few tweaks to the working in the review email blast you just put in the dropbox…
CURRENT ARC REQUESTS: 165
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1. EMAIL TO PROOFREADER
Hi Marcus: Please find attached the manuscript in a word document. In terms of how to go about this, we would request that you make a running list of typos you locate and turn that list in with the corrected manuscript If they’re straight-forward misspellings, blaring typos, just correct them—American spelling please :). If you come across something more complex, please just make a note of it. It’s a big old book, and we would appreciate if you would go through the bonus content as well. Any questions, don’t hesitate to ask, and thank you again for your willingness to help us out on this project (we’ve already thanked you in the acknowledgments).
Best!
Blake
2. EMAIL ADDRESSES AND EMAIL FOR SENDING MS. TO UPCOMING RESPONDERS TO JOE’S BLOG ANNOUNCEMENT FOR ARCS AND TO GOOD READS
Thanks to:
Marcus Blakeston, Carl Graves, Rob Siders, Chris Rapking, Suzanne Tyrpak, Maria Konrath, Jeroen ten Berge,
Gef Fox, Nenad Ristic, Steve Windwalker, Chris Blewitt, Marc Buhmann, Krist Rufty, KD James, Cherie Reich, Stephen Grogan, Dr.CPE, David Dodd, Gail Snyder, John McCarthy, Anthea Strezze, Douglas Dorow, Jason Otoski, Juli Monroe, A. Sadie Timm, Julie Smith, Christy Pinheiro-Silva, K.S. Elkins, Carolyn Lee, Paul McMurray, Traci Hohenstein, Steve Malley, Debbi Mack, James Reed, Missy Meyer, Gretchen Rix, Karly Kirkpatrick, Brian Spaeth, Roxanne McHenry, Kaoru Tanaka, Dennis Welch, Cynthia Briggs, Baboi Alin Lucian, Andrea Allison, Steve Lewis, LaDonna Bubak, Jessica Crooks, Greg Swanson, Robert Carraher, Aldo Calcagno, Brian H “The Chalkboard Dad”, Mary Stella, Tamera Martens, Jeroen ten Berge, HL Arledge, Jason Davis, Suzanne Fyhrie Parrott, Scott Marlowe, Stacy Krueger, Philip Hansen, Carl Obermeier, Steve Peterson, Tyler Kneisly, Sandra Gilbert, Ahmed Khalifa, Lamar Giles, LK Rigel, Misty Baker, Raven Corinn Carluk, David Villalva, James Reasoner, Frederick Altstadt, Anthony Grogan, Donnie Light, Kim Wright, Pauline Funa, Gerald Writer, Kipp Speicher, Jennifer Baker, Holly Barnes, Elizabeth White, Trish Gerstman, J.E. Taylor, Rob Cundall, John Smith, Joe Bishop, Daniel Barbier, Claudia Lefeve, Geoffrey Rabe, Ty Simmons, Mike Heppe, Daryl Sedore, Helen Letourneau, Rai Aren, Selena Kitt, Georgiann Hennelly, Debbie Gilliam, Rhonda, Brenda Sedore, Janene Irvine, John Hartness; Robert Cundall; Keith Gaston; Kyle W. Kerr; Mickey Reed, Katie Hardin, Eghe Precious, Steven Beltzer, Amanda Pickett, Karen Dyck, Lakisha Speltzer, Catherine Saxton, Dorlana Vann, Phoebe Conn, Matthew Dow Smith, Terri Dukes, Vicki K. Brown, Ilsa Bick, Karen McGrath, Tee Tate, Vannessa Grace, Yeva Wiest, Anthony Policastro, Shannhu, Joanie Raisovich, Tim Rich, E. Wylie, Judy Sizemore, Loretta Giacoletto, Sharon Anderson, Holly, Jaime Wasserman, Katie Hardin, Natasha Pixie, Melissa Zellmer, David Wisehart, Moses Siregar III, Heather Dudley, William Tombaugh, Kendall Gutierrez, Georgekutty Adappur, Barb Best, Bobbie Crawford-McCoy, Paula Phillips, Aaron Patterson,
1st email to the troops:
Dear Friends: Attached to this email is the finished manuscript of DRACULAS, including all of its extensive bonus content. We have attached the book as a pdf, an epub file (for you Nook and Sony lovers) and a mobi file if the Kindle is your pleasure.
If you have any questions or issues with any of the file attachments, please don’t hesitate to get in touch via draculasthebook@gmail.com.
We will be following up with a second email in about a week with further instructions as we approach the 10/19 launch date. In the meantime, please just explore and enjoy DRACULAS (you should enjoy the bonus content…trust us, it’s off-the-hook). We hope you’ll read the book within the next week and start gathering your thoughts for a review.
We seriously couldn’t do this without you. Your willingness to help us spread the word about DRACULAS means the world to us, and we’ve already thanked every one of you in the acknowledgements at the end of the book (and if you find yourself missing, let us know!).
More soon!
All the best,
Blake, Joe, Jeff, and Paul
2nd email to the troops:
Dear Friends: As of this email, we are a mere four days from the launch of DRACULAS. Hopefully, you’ve read the book and written a review, and now it gets exciting.
As early as possible, ON OCTOBER 18, please post your review on your blog(s), Goodreads, Facebook, Shelfari, interstate overpasses, basically anywhere you see fit.
We would also request that you include the link to purchase DRACULAS on Amazon:
http://www.amazon.com/DRACULAS-Novel-Terror-ebook/dp/B0042AMD2M/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&m=AG56TWVU5XWC2&s=books&qid=1284569826&sr=8-1