In fact, with the exception of the dog, it appeared many of the guests were rather unhappy. Lord Mortry was lost in his own world of inner torment, and the unfortunate Lady Cecelia next to him was regaled with his perpetual tales of woe. On Julia’s other side, Lord Hesterton’s sardonic replies to Lady Jane indicated an undeniable element of misery. And then there was Lord and Lady Doursly who were, well, dour — no doubt at the lackluster reception from Hesterton toward their daughter. And then there was Julia, who was lost in the storm of her own distress.
“Poor Lord Venerton,” Lady Jane said, opposite Hesterton.
“Agreed,” he muttered. “The poor sod has to put up with that prattling ninny for the remainder of his life.”
Julia pressed a napkin to her lip to suppress a laugh.
“Oh,” Lady Jane replied after a brief pause. “I was referring to his illness. I do hope he recovers quickly.”
“I’m quite sure not all in attendance would agree with your hopeful sentiment,” Hesterton stated with a bored drawl.
Hesteron had barely finished speaking when Lady Venerton gave a throaty chuckle at something Lord Bursbury had said.
William’s hand slid over Julia’s under the table. The touch should have brought comfort, but it was foreign, and the ache in her chest was far too great. She wanted to leave, to run from the room and lock herself in her chamber.
Nancy addressed the table with a pleasant expression, as if Lady Venerton hadn’t flirted with every man in the room, including her husband. “Shall we leave the gentlemen to their port while we ladies retire to the drawing room? Then we can reconvene for a night of games together.”
Julia almost gasped out her relief. Without the men, Lady Venerton wouldn’t have the opportunity to flirt and touch William. He had been formal in return, but still polite, as was expected. Regardless, it was still too much for Julia.
She needed to get out. Now.
She rose from her chair and suddenly William was there, pulling her seat out for her. His hand caught hers. “I confess I’m grateful for the reprieve, though I’ll miss your presence.”
What was wrong with her? Why was this affecting her so deeply?
She nodded and tried her best to offer him a convincing smile. As soon as his back was turned, she fled and made her way to their chamber, chased there by a string of memories battering her mind. Memories of her nineteenth birthday when Mother had acquiesced to Julia’s insistent begging to see the new play. However, their family box had not been empty. Father had been in the shadowed rear of it with a woman on his lap, her skirts raised as she moved over him.
He hadn’t offered excuses, or even bothered to look surprised. He’d simply regarded them with an irritated scowl. They left, riding home in a painfully silent carriage. The woman had been barely older than Julia.
Even now she shuddered in revulsion.
No one had discussed it with her later. Her father had offered no apologies; her mother mentioned not one word of it. As though the entire incident had never happened. It was then Julia realized she needed to leave that house, a family that was built on lies with a father who would do…that…and a mother who allowed it.
Julia buried her horrified disgust beneath a veneer of civility, but she never forgot. Never.
Once in her room, she dismissed the servants and lay on the bed for a goodly amount of time, but the burning ache in her chest did not dissipate. Nor did the understanding she would be missed downstairs and must return. She drew herself together, one shattered piece at a time, until she was composed enough to appear with the other ladies.
She was on her way to the drawing room when she heard the sound of her husband’s deep voice resonating beyond the thick wooden door. “She’s a beauty, with a long, thick mane of hair.”
She paused, a smile softening her demeanor at the idea of her husband talking about her to the other men.
“Such a lovely creature, with a dominant personality,” he continued.
A bit odd to be called a creature, but if he saw her personality as being dominant as he bragged to his peers about her, she would take it gladly.
“And she has the world in her eyes, like she knows everything.” He stressed the last word. “Large and wise and the deepest shade of brown.”
Julia froze. Her eyes weren’t brown; they were blue. The woman her husband was discussing with such affection was not her.
She curled her hand into a hard fist and focused on the pressure at her palm to keep from pressing herself against the door. And anyway, there was no need. Not when she could hear William’s words of praise as plainly as if she were in the room with him. Certainly, she felt the impact of his subject as viscerally.
“I tell you, my girl is always ready for a bruising ride,” William said.
She pressed the clenched fist to her mouth. Had he truly just said that?
“It’s those gorgeous legs of hers. Long and white.” He paused, presumably for a drink. “Just like her mother’s.”
Julia’s eyes nearly bulged out of their sockets. He wasn’t suggesting he’d…that, with the mother…and the daughter?
“I know she’s going to go soon, but it breaks my heart to see it.” He sighed heavily. “I’m only glad Maribel has foaled twice, so she might forever live on in them.”
Julia’s shoulders dropped from where they’d climbed to her earlobes. What a blithering idiot she’d been. He was discussing his horse. Again. And she’d thought he was talking about another woman. Again.
A sick sensation swirled in her stomach with a crushing realization. The issue was not with William at all. It was with her.
And the fear that what had happened between her mother and father could happen to her. The ache in her chest grew into something terrible. It robbed her of her breath and left her gasping for air as though she were dying.
She couldn’t stand the idea of trusting William, of letting herself love her husband and then finding him the way she’d found her father. Her heart would not be able to endure such hurt. She had never realized the organ was so very fragile, yet now it hovered on the edge of shattering.
A fire burned in her chest. When he returned to their chamber, she would tell him the truth of it: she still wished to go to the country after she’d delivered him an heir.
WILLIAM TOOK the steps two at a time in his eagerness to see Julia. He’d meant to participate in the games with the rest of the house party, but when he heard she had retired to their room already, he immediately understood. She was waiting for him. To be alone with him.
He reached the landing and made his way down the hall, hoping she would still be wearing her silk frock so that he could peel it off of her. But when he opened the door, he was not met with a willing wife, but one who was red-faced from crying and wrapped in a bulky robe.
The servants had obviously been dismissed, as was evidenced by the disarray in the room. Stockings were crumpled in one corner, a pair of dainty red shoes lay on opposite sides of a chair, and various jars were left open.
“Julia, are you unwell?” He closed the door and rushed to where she sat on the edge of the bed. “Shall I summon a physician?”
She shook her head and glanced up at him. Her long lashes were spiked with moisture. “I can’t do this, William. Forgive me, but I-I do not think I am meant to be a wife.”
His mind reeled at her words. Were they back to this?
“I beg your pardon?” He sank to the bed beside her. “Has something happened?”
“Yes,” she breathed. “I’m a coward.” She buried her face in her hands, and her throat flexed as she tried with an obvious effort to hold back her tears. “I married you to escape my father’s household, and now I’m realizing what I tried to leave has followed me.”
How very flattering.
“I’m afraid I don’t understand,” William said in an even tone. It cost him dearly to keep the desperation from his voice, to keep from demanding answers. He was finally on the cusp of getting the family he wanted, but she did not want him. The same as all the families before who took him in after his parents’ deaths.